Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography

Mark Harris, comedian and AirTran baggage handler, is a self-described Japabilly – the end result of sexual congress between a tiny Okinawan lady and an Ozark Mountain ex-Marine Corps hillbilly. Here, Mark offers photographic representation of the various photos one will find on online dating services.

THE FAUX-CANDID (FC) has a profile that contains phrases like “first time for me” and “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” They would like you to believe that they were unaware that their profile photo was being taken, and that this is how they look when not really posing. They are in denial and consider themselves “above” the online scene, while at the same time logging in every twelve minutes to see if someone likes them. Faux-Candids are tiresome braggarts, and if they’ve ever been to Bobby DeNiro’s annual pig roast the entire room is sure to hear about it.

THE PRIZE likes to employ a photograph that contains someone else of the opposite sex. This is done to provide visual proof that they are neither sad nor lonely since at least once in their lives they had someone willing to stand in close proximity to them. A man will always use the picture of the hottest woman he has ever stood next to; the less attractive that person was, the more their photo will have been cut or modified.

THE FRIENDSTER exhibits similar qualities as THE PRIZE, as he wants you to know that he has been in the company of others and they did not run away. The Friendster wants you to know that there’s a party, and you’re invited to come join it. The Friendster has a familiarity with the whorehouses of Costa Rica.

THE MUGSHOT, not ironically, indicates unimaginative, brain-dead potential criminals. Mugshotters have defecated in public and killed squirrels. The Mugshotter thinks Kafka is what you do if you have a chest cold. A date with a mugshotter involves coupons, and the evening often ends with a request for a blowjob no matter how the date went.

THE LONG-DISTANCE LOVER (LDL) is painfully insecure about his or her looks and generally avoids a photograph that would reveal body flaws, be they perceived or real. This is a good indication that the person in the photograph is tremendously weak and will exhibit qualities that will scare you away after the first or second date. These annoyances include calling several times but not leaving a message (despite Caller ID) and sulking if you look at someone else during dinner.

THE SELF-SHOOTER is one of the sadder profile photos, as it means the person has no decent existing pictures, or any friends to take a new one. The Self-Shooter is bi-curious, only because it increases the odds of someone touching him.

THE WEBCAMMER is frightening, because his technology is dated, which suggests he is backwards intellectually, financially or both. The Webcammer just recently heard that Barracuda jackets were in. If anyone you meet online is going to be the type to masturbate in a public library, it’s the Webcammer.

THE EXTREME CLOSE-UP (XCU) is employed generally to disguise morbid obesity, called “voluptuous” in today’s internet dating-speak. They would like you to love them for who they are on the inside, rather than their inability to mount a doorstep without breaking into a sweat on the outside. Most folks see through the XCU, and those who employ it in their profile photo traditionally die alone. Two other approaches yield much better results: honesty and smaller portions.