Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Father Cleary Debates Wearing Drapes

Monologues for fearless actors, No. 1:
FATHER CLEARY [Male, 50s, Irish]
Father Cleary stands in front of the window.
Oh Heavenly Father, a life I have lived in humble service to you. Not one iota of regret have I that I followed the calling when, as a youth in Cork, you summoned me to serve you. And that I have done! Chaste have I remained, as you asked, and devoted I have been, as is expected of a representative of the Church. But I was wondering if I might try on these drapes.
I believe they are some type of velour, though I can’t be sure. I have been serving you for so many years, and with such devotion, that never was I able to become schooled in the various advancements in home and office décor. Indeed, much has changed since we stopped delivering sermons in Latin, and for certain that includes the science of textiles. So please forgive me, Lord, for not knowing if they’re velour, or cotton, or synthetic, or otherwise. Blends – what have you. I do not know, Lord. But you are all-knowing and so I shall not dwell on the composition of these drapes I may or may not wear, as the fabric is ultimately of no import – especially when compared with your message, which I have dutifully spread.
I was just thinking I might take these drapes down from the window, remove them from the rod and try them on. Throw them over my shoulders and whatnot. I would wear these drapes only for a short while. Like a cloak made of crushed red velour, or whatever the material is. Perhaps I would march up and down my study, as if I were a king, or leading a parade of elephants. Or any creatures, really. There’s no reason it would have to be elephants, God. That’s unimportant. What is important, Heavenly Father, is that I would remain pious and humble throughout, as I have been my whole life. There’s just something about these drapes.
This isn’t to suggest in the slightest that I’ve tired from my modest dress throughout all these years. Quite the contrary! I have always enjoyed the ease and simplicity of my priestly wardrobe. There has always been great comfort in knowing that I shall be wearing black pants, a black shirt and a white collar. It expedites my dressing greatly, which allows me to spend more time baptizing and conducting Mass and things. I have always been proud to be so easily recognized in the pub as a man of God.
But at the moment I am vexed by these drapes and can’t help but think how interesting it might be to wear them. Only with your permission, of course, as I have devoted my life to you and in no way wish to anger you, Lord, if wearing drapes might do such a thing. I will say I would be surprised it if did, as in my 30-some years of familiarity with the Holy Book I have never come across any passages that would suggest wearing drapes a sin or otherwise. But Lord, I am your subject, a simple man who greatly fears incurring your wrath. So, if you don’t mind, I will wait for a sign that suggests you don’t have any qualms with me wearing drapes. Perhaps you could make a noise or have a bird chirp audibly. Also, if you might remind me where the stepladder is, that would be great, because the last time I stood on the radiator my feet were burned.


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