Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Menu

People


Kanye vs. Kenya

Can a self-described musical genius possibly compare to a small East African republic? Sure! In a world where the Pope can have an opinion on airport body scanners, absolutely anything is possible. We put the post-colonial nation and the tiny-penised Grammy hoarder side-by-side and here’s what we found: SIZE Kenya is slightly more than twice…


A Trillion For Your Thoughts

After the recent release of the 2011 Federal Budget there was no shortage of complaints from all over the political spectrum. Of course, one of the biggest grumbles is that it’s 192 pages of incredibly boring fiscal drudgery. The fix? Make it entertaining! Some of America’s top entertainers offer their ideas on how the Office…


Five Haikus About People and Their Frickin’ BlackBerrys

LIBRARY The tiny keyboard Still makes enough of a sound To distract, bastard KINDERGARTEN TOUR Very important The future of his children Never once looks up THE PARK A child on a swing Daddy, daddy, higher please But he is texting STARBUCKS Can I help you sir? Excuse me, can I help you? Sir? Can…


Britney Spears: The Index

Children:
as byproduct of coitus with twits, 49, 121, 208
driving with while undrestrained, 54, 100
losing custody of to a dunce, 210
making of, 48, 191
nearly throwing across parking lot, 87




I Touched Kevin Federline, and He Touched Me

In Saving Private Ryan, Spielberg brilliantly conveys the terror the soldiers felt as their landing craft approached the Normandy coast. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that’s exactly how I felt when I realized I would soon be deposited on the shores of Federline Beach to storm the bunkers of his mind.


Diddy’s Daddy Tips

Sean P. Diddy Puff Combs offers tips on fatherhood from the confines of a black rectangle which is slowly crushing him to death.








Plastic Bag Man

Standing behind a gentleman at the Whole Foods on Seventh Ave. His transaction is taking longer than normal. He’s a small guy, bearded. Geeky comes to mind. He’s nervously fiddling through his front pockets, looking for something. Money I assume. The little Asian girl behind the counter smiles and waits patiently. He’s mumbling as he’s…


Stone Age 21st Century Lady

Seated at the table next to us in this old-fashioned, charming steakhouse, a man and woman. Both early 40s, I’ll presume. Both were a little heavyset, the woman more so. She was short, with dirty blonde hair. They had both recently consumed the restaurant’s signature two-person Porterhouse and were now contemplating dessert. Their conversation revealed…



The Germ Freak

Standing behind a gentleman at the Whole Foods on Seventh Ave. His transaction is taking longer than normal. He’s a small guy, bearded. Geeky comes to mind. He’s nervously fiddling through his front pockets, looking for something. Money I assume. The little Asian girl behind the counter smiles and waits patiently. He’s mumbling as he’s…