Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs

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I created Citizen Change last year with one goal and one goal only: I wanted folks between 18-30 years of age to get out there and rock the vote.
And when November 2nd came around, and those extra 40 or so folks went to the polls, I realized we had succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. We rocked it, indeed. Politics will never be the same.
I can’t tell you the immense pride I get from having made a difference – from rocking something like the vote. And it made me think.
Diddy, you awesome. Diddy, you going to heaven. Diddy, let’s rock something else.
That’s right. I want to rock something else.
Sure, I could just call it quits now, mumble “Mission accomplished” over the melody to John Mayer’s Daughters, and all would be fine. But Citizen Combs doesn’t want to stop there. Citizen Combs believes in our youth, and the power they have to make a difference. Citizen Combs wants you by his side as we fight together for change.
Our victory last November proved that we’re a force to be reckoned with, that we’re unstoppable. For that reason, we shouldn’t stop.
It occurred to me last night while sitting under my personal umbrella that it would be foolish to waste the momentum we have. Since Citizen Change was created with change in mind, it should continue to focus on change. Change is good. So right now, I’d like to change the way you watch television.
I’m asking you to get out there and buy TiVo, or die.
I know this sounds extreme – that you should die if you don’t go and purchase TiVo – but I feel strongly about it. Real strongly. Plus, it’s a catchy slogan. Farnsworth thought of it. He thinks of things when he’s not holding my personal umbrella.
TiVo or Die.
Seriously, TiVo will change the way you watch television forever. It’s revolutionary. I love TiVo so much, I don’t even turn a TV on anymore unless it has TiVo. It’s not worth it. I have parted ways with good friends because we don’t see eye to eye on TiVo.
Once you get used to TiVo, there’s no going back. Sometimes when I’m in Leo DiCaprio’s basement screening a film and I miss a crucial plot point, I want to rewind and see it again. Then it occurs to me:
Diddy, you awesome. But this is a screening, Diddy. It ain’t got TiVo, Diddy.
Then I’m in a funk downpour that even a personal umbrella can’t protect me from.
So, TiVo or die.
You can pause live television. Never again will you miss 60 Minutes because you were interrupted by a noisy fax, phone call or your personal umbrella handler.
TiVo is like a friend, too. But not an entourage friend. A real friend. TiVo gets to know you and what you like to watch. Based on that, it finds shows it thinks you might want to see. Then it records them for you, like a ho trying to win you over. TiVo’s like:
Diddy, you awesome. And Diddy, I know you like antiques, so I recorded a lot of shows about them. TiVo love you, Diddy. TiVo you friend.
And don’t just take my word for it, even though you should. In the next few weeks you’ll be seeing lipsynctress Ashlee Simpson take to the streets to encourage you to get TiVo. Role model 50 Cent will be representing with a big TiVo medallion he’s going to wear. Janeane Garofalo will be on O’Reilly Factor – and this time she won’t get eaten alive because she’ll be talking TiVo. And everybody will love TiVo. Even conservatives. But Citizen Change is non-partisan, so that doesn’t matter none.
And that’s just the beginning. We have a lot of change on our agenda, because we’re Citizen Change, and change is half of our name. Once we’ve made people see the way of TiVo, we’ll be changing other things. Like the way we look at votive candles – perhaps the most under-appreciated candles in the world.
But that’s a fight for another day.
For now, it’s TiVo. TiVo or die.
Peace.
Sean
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