Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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A Day In The Love Life Of An A-List Celebrity

7:35a
Awake. My heart hangs heavy with the demise of yesterday’s relationship with André.
7:50a
My assistant Annette calls to say the editor of Us Weekly was furious that André and I split up the same day the “So In Love!” issue went to press.
8:02a
Hot shower. Rebirth. André will soon be a distant memory.
9:45a
At the soundstage. This video is going to stink. But, what the label wants, the label usually gets.
10:10a
I first encounter Sebastian, a dancer, at the craft service table. I ask him how he keeps fit if he’s eating donuts. He laughs. I sense a connection.
10:16a
Sebastian tells me he really enjoyed my last album. He works out to it. He likes me. He really likes me! Could it be love? Back to work.
11:03a
Can’t take my mind off of Sebastian. I long to see him again at the craft service table.
11:28a
He approaches as I’m eating a carrot. Small talk. He brushes my elbow! It feels electric. I ask Annette to issue a press release hinting there may once again be love on the horizon for me.
12:12p
Back to the shoot. I miss Sebastian already. He’s lost in a crowd of dancers while I stand on a fake mountaintop waving a flag that has my face on it. Pyrotechnics and fake snow. This video stinks, but thinking of his warm smile gets me through it.
1:00p
Lunch break. Sebastian turns out to be a vegetarian too! We both have Reebok dance shoes and disposable contact lenses. So much in common.
1:43p
Our first kiss happens after lunch by the trash can near a generator and an oasis of fake palm trees. Magic! I could look into his eyes forever.
1:44p
Back to work!
2:08p
I tell Sebastian I love having him around. He suggests asking the director if he could stand on the fake mountaintop next to me and wave my face-flag. Director finally gives in. We’re together!
2:50p
During a break I ask Sebastian where he sees himself in ten years. He smiles and says, “Wherever you are.” My heart melts. He’s the one for me.
3:12p
We make sweet, quick love in the trailer.
3:38p
Rumors abound!
4:20p
After a wardrobe change, he proposes. He’s dressed as a knight. So appropriate! I ask Annette to issue a press release about our engagement and budding love.
5:02p
I have an on-set interview with E! television. I tell them I’ve found my man. Sebastian and I are already talking about children. They want to know all about him. I’m not sure, so I have Annette find out more info.
5:45p
I’ve changed some scenes in the video. Sebastian is now very prominent – by my side in every shot. I want the world to know of our love! Take that André!
6:50p
Sebastian calls his pregnant girlfriend to tell her it’s over. After, we let the paparazzi come in and shoot us near a closet of props left over from the “A-Team.” Everyone says we make a great couple. I’ve never looked happier, my publicist says.
7:03p
The editors of Us Weekly, Star and In Touch call to tell Annette that our love and engagement will be their next cover story. I’m so happy!
7:14p
The girls all know Sebastian is taken, by me, which makes him even more attractive to them. Girls can be so evil! I tell him to keep a distance, and not to risk everything we’ve invested in our relationship. He worries that jealousy could tear us apart.
8:22p
During some fight scene choreography, I swear I see Sebastian flirting with one of the “maidens” – some sexed-out bimbo with MasterCard boobs. I start to worry. This is the man I want to spend my life with. I call him on it and he gets really defensive. Our first fight.
8:41p
We haven’t talked in nineteen minutes. Something is wrong.
8:48p
I see him at the craft service table with a different dancer. Asian. Could it be a date? My heart breaks! I have Annette issue a press release that there have been some stormy moments, but we’re still very much in love and working though them. Back to the set.
9:02p
People have picked up on our troubles. I can’t bear to be near Sebastian. Hurts too much. He’s no longer featured in any close-up shots. He’s back in the crowd of dancers. We deny anything is wrong.
9:37p
I swear he’s blatantly making a play for another dancer. Redhead. He’s talking and practicing dance moves with her. This isn’t how a fiancée should act. Our trust has been damaged. This love is doomed.
10:10p
On break. Sebastian is knocking on my trailer door, but I won’t see him. I tell Annette to issue a press release that I’m returning the ring.
10:30p
I deliberately go to craft service to get some carrots. I make sure everyone sees my ringless hand.
10:42p
Rumors abound! There’s no hiding it now.
10:46p
Sebastian tells E! and In Touch that he still loves me and hopes we can be together. I won’t let him walk on my heart though. There are other fish in the sea, I’m told.
11:17p
The editor of Us Weekly calls Annette to verify rumors of the relationship’s demise. Annette suggests it was mutual, that we’d simply grown apart. They’ll change the headline.
11:32p
Heartbroken… drained. Love sucks worse than this video. The car service picks me up from the soundstage and whisks me – the further away from Sebastian, the better.
11:59p
At home and soon to sleep. Only time will heal my broken heart. Fortunately, there’s always tomorrow.


Previously

Complaint: Inappropriate apostrophe placement; a misdemeanor. Defendant: A Yankees fan. Report: Suspect was seen waving a homemade placard at game seven. Fine: The pennant.

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