Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Unappeasable al Qaeda

VIDEO BLITZ
“…after arriving at the store to claim in Allah’s name what had rightfully been reserved over the phone, (a DVD copy of “Big Night” with Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci) we were told it had been accidentally rented for the evening. This outrage will not go unanswered, and we will bathe your video rental store in blood, for you are pigs and monkeys.”
FLEMING’S STEAK HOUSE
“…was undercooked. Add to this the insult of waiting nearly 30 minutes for Key Lime Pie, and there should be no doubt as to why we have begun martyrdom operations against your restaurant.”
APPLE COMPUTER
“To suggest that it was mere coincidence that my iPod stopped working only three days after the warranty expired is an unjust and vile lie. Until it is repaired or replaced, there will be no peace. We declare jihad against those who attempt to force upon us the additional cost of an AppleCare Warranty.”
THE SIMPLE LIFE 2 ON FOX
“That women of such base character and morals should be allowed to perform their mischievous acts on television for the masses is a direct assault on the values taught to us by our Prophet Muhammad. Unless you remove this evil taint from our eyes at once, in Almighty God’s name we shall strike down the signal of every cable affiliate, stone the remotes, and smother any television that bears your channel.”
CHASE MANHATTAN BANK
“…cease immediately the practice of charging my account for multiple ATM transactions, or feel the sword of vengeance upon you, your Zionist tellers, and customer service Crusaders.”
TIDE DEEP-CLEAN LAUNDRY DETERGENT
“Furthermore, we have noticed no discernable vibrancy in our colors, despite your claims. Your serpent tongue deceives us no more. Know that you have stoked the anger in our hearts and upon completion of the dry cycle (34 min.) you shall reap terrible rewards for your insolence and misleading advertising.”
MARTHA PLIMPTON’S AGENT
“To not honor a request for an autographed photo is an insult which must not go unanswered, lest we shame ourselves before Almighty God, and this can not be considered. We shall therefore make ourselves ready and unleash a storm of jihad upon you. We demand you return our self-addressed stamped envelope at once.”
AT&T MOBILE
“We celebrate the end of this oppressive and unjust two-year contract. For too long we have suffered under the yoke of your inadequate coverage in the metropolitan area. Allah be praised, the power is now in our hands. Our holy warriors will be switching to Verizon.”


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