Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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My Electric Food Slicer Will Change Your Life

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Sliced Meats = Empowerment
It used to be that if you wanted perfectly sliced meats and cheeses you had to go to a restaurant and pay some “professional” to expertly slice them and assemble them in a nice pattern on a plate for you.
Not any more.
Allow me to be your personal Tony Robbins, albeit with duller teeth.
I’m not just selling a used Chef’s Choice gourmet electric food slicer. I’m selling empowerment. I’m selling you the chance to change your life for the better. Assuming you don’t cut your fingertips off.
The fact is, when you slice your own meats and cheeses the world is your oyster.
This magical, wonderful, used electric food slicer takes the power from the cold-cut elite and gives it to you. What you do with that new power is your call. I suggest you slice meats and cheeses with it.
You’ll be a force to be reckoned with. Your dinner parties will have more panache. Your family gatherings more joie de vivre. Your plates will become assiettes.
If you’ve always wanted to serve Harrison Ford mathematically precise provolone, this is perhaps the greatest opportunity you will ever have to do so.
Whether you want to bring your fundraisers to a new level, or satisfy a grueling obsessive compulsive disorder, this used Chef’s Choice gourmet electric food slicer is quite probably what you’ve been looking for.
I hope you will seize this opportunity to empower your life with precision sliced foods and get this thing out of my cabinet.
Please buy my used Chef’s Choice electric food slicer.


Previously

Special Vive La France edition. Please note: Glenn accidentally broke the snow globe within 40 minutes of receiving it. Glenn Beck airs on CNN Headline News weeknights at 7, with repeats at 9 & midnight.

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