From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
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Your New Monkey


Your New Monkey was originally designed to traumatize a good friend, but I see no reason not to share it with the general public.

If you've ever wanted to send a friend or worthy adversary a three-page notice about the impending arrival of a gift monkey, this PDF is for you.

Download: Your New Monkey

10/03: Magician/entertainer Penn Jillette mention


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Now I just have to find someone that can mail this to my friend with an actual postmark from Guinea. That will really blow their mind. Any suggestions?

I have a fear of commitment...TO MONKEYS!!

This has filled me with unreasonable glee. I can't wait to print it out and mail it to my elderly grandmother. She's got lots of Samsonite®!

I was going to say-- the Samsonite joke is terrific. E

Thank you so much! I have several "dear" persons to "gift" with a monkey.
Now to make up some envelopes. hee hee

Note to DaveyJones: a quick work around would be to fax it after you have suppressed your usual header and made up some fictional one from Guinea.

[ Er, just for the record: It doesn't say Guinea. -B. ]

I wonder how you executed on this though ... did you fax it? did you get a response? did you present it in person? come on, there has to be more to it...

This letter would be great followed up by a forged FedEx "delivery attempted" form. I will be inserting this in all my Christmas cards.

Can I report the use of "can not" to Grammar Cop?

Don't know if you ever listen to Penn Jillette's radio show, but he read this document on yesterday's show "Monkey Tuesday". People at my office were wondering why I was shouting "he stole that from Brian Sack!"

[ Thanks for the tip! He didn't steal it, he just didn't know who to credit. I suppose I should have put my name on it but didn't because it was a practical joke. -B. ]

Does Saboto-Gunea Wildlife Exports have an 800 number?
After reading this I'd really like to get a Rhesus Monkey for my boss.

When I made up a refrigerator magnet to place inside my second joke giving I used 1-888-MONKEYS.

I heard this from Penn Jillette radio program. My beau fell for it-it was wonderful.

Just found the site and this gift monkey.

"Install a peephole viewer in the door so that you can look into the room
and see if the monkey is in an attack posture prior to entering."

That damn near killed me.

Thanks for the New Monkey download! It made a great gift for my highschool sweetheart's mom and a nice suprise for him (since I didn't tell him that I sent it in his name). I also sent one to a friend for his birthday, from his neighbor (without telling the neighbor). My mom will be getting one for Christmas, from my brother (again it will make a nice surprise for both!). People are loving it though. Keep up the good work! teeheehee

I go home and start getting ready for the party. My mom calls.

Mom (hyper): "Do you know anything about your brother getting me a monkey for Mother's Day?"

Me (innocent and trying not to laugh out loud): "A monkey?"

Mom (still hyper): "Yes, a monkey. A rhesus monkey. I don't know if this is a joke or for real but it says that he is sending me a monkey and it should be here within 2-3 weeks. It says I have to clear the furniture out of a room, and cover the outlets and buy it hummus and a Samsonite suitcase and an aluminum garbage can lid for when it gets angry and hang a rope from the ceiling.....Well, I have news for him, if I get a monkey in the mail, it's going right to his house!"

Innocent me (hehe): "Wow, that's pretty cool but what would he do with a monkey if you sent it there? Did you call and ask him about it?"

Mom (yep, hyper): "I called him and left him a message, he didn't answer the phone and I don't care what he does with it but I am not getting a monkey!"

Innocent me (wondering if I should confess......nah!): "Well, I don't know. See what he says. That was a neat thing to do but he's a little late for Mothers Day."

Mom: "I'll let you know. Do you want a 30% off coupon for Kohl's?"

Me: "Nah.....(thinking).....maybe you could get the Samsonite suitcase there."

Mom: " I am not keeping a monkey!"

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