From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
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eBay: Appalling Flatware For Sale


There are many reasons you might wish to purchase the 75-piece set of amazingly heinous gold-plated Versace flatware I've recently come to possess through no fault of my own.

Perhaps you are an angry gay attorney with a lot of disposable income, desperately searching for a collection of cutlery to complement the glossy black dining table, blue sofa and neon waterfall in your tastelessly decorated domain.

The gold-plated Versace demitasse spoon suits any espresso, and would undoubtedly add a sophisticated accent to your endless bitching about the building staff and delivery menus left at your door. And, there are eight of them. With great spoons come great friends, goes the saying. Your acquisition of gold-plated Versace flatware could be the first step in acquiring a posse of mean-spirited dandies to love you for who you really are.

Please purchase my recently acquired gold-plated Versace flatware set.

Perhaps you are a made member of a crime syndicate. You know quite well that your Cadillac Escalade assault SUV announces your class and stature to the general public on the roadways and sidewalks; but, did you know what announces that same je ne sais quoi to your dinner guests?

That's right. Just like a giant, inflatable rat alerts folks to a content non-union construction site, a gold-plated Versace sauce ladle tells folks you're the boss. Absolutely nothing adds more class to the timeless act of sauce relocation. Your friends and enemies alike will give you the respect you crave. And your family will know they made the right decision not having you "dealt with" last Easter when you were acting all sassy to a Capo.

Please consider purchasing my recently acquired gold-plated Versace flatware set.

Overnight Hip-Hop success? Firstly, let me congratulate you on parlaying a fascination with vice, three gunshot wounds, and a history of felonies into a career. You know as I do that one must not only represent, but one must represent with style. Style is not just gold teeth, gold chains, gold rims and gold car antennas, my friend. Style is also gold-plated Versace flatware.

The late-night recording sessions are draining, G. To keep pace and deliver more phat raps about whores and liquor, you're going to need sustenance. That sustenance is cake. And cake, my G, is best served with a gold-plated Versace cake server. What your entourage does with the remaining 74 cutlery pieces is unimportant. What matters is getting your cake on with class.

Please, someone, purchase my recently acquired gold-plated Versace flatware set.

By no means am I limiting purchase to angry gay lawyers, hoods or guys from 'hoods. Perhaps you're a self-made, middle-aged businessman suffering a mid-life crisis. You may have terminated your 32-year marriage, purchased a Ferrari, and spent three weeks in Costa Rica because of their laid back attitude about prostitution - but, at some point you're going to want to settle down again. When that time comes, you'll need to woo a trophy wife. Nothing woos a twenty-something opportunist quite like miso-glazed sea bass, Chalk Hill Chardonnay and two gold-plated Versace fish knives. She'll be hanging on your arm before you can say "How much?"

Please, I'm serious, purchase my recently acquired 75-piece gold-plated Versace flatware set.

Finally, perhaps you are Donald Trump. Please, The Donald, take advantage of my not inexpensive, recently acquired, 75-piece gold-plated Versace flatware set. I watched almost a half-hour of The Apprentice, and think you'll find the gold-plated dessert forks great for picking up nougat.

Will anyone purchase my recently acquired 75-piece gold-plated Versace flatware set?

This flatware monstrosity once set someone back nearly ten grand. If you think that's pretty amazing, you're not the only one. Although I encourage you to purchase it at a high price, it does not mean I will respect you for it.

All pieces feature the same gaudy Medusa logo that Versace uses to justify $900 cufflinks.

Set includes:

8 demitasse spoons
8 teaspoons
8 tablespoons
8 bread knives
9 knives
8 salad forks
8 dessert forks
9 regular forks
1 cake server
1 sauce ladle
2 fish knives
2 fish forks
2 serving spoons
1 large serving spoon
1 large spork-like spoon
Large box to hide all 75 godforsaken pieces

As I've mentioned, I hope someone will purchase my recently acquired 75-piece gold-plated Versace flatware set.

Perhaps that someone is you.


©Brian Sack | Filed under: Marketing | 25 Comments | Email to a Friend
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I wish that all electronic stoop sales were this honest.

Trackbacked from Please Give Until It Really Really Hurts You on Venal Scene.

I have only recently been made aware of the now famous piece "Appalling Flatware for Sale", by Brian Sack, aka Banterist, whom I met on Tuesday. Read it; it's funny. And, remember that the appalling flatware really is for sale.

Trackbacked from Appalling Flatware for Sale on The Young Curmudgeon.


How much are we talking here, seriously. I've never seen a classier set of cutlery.

Sophisticated it may be, but out of my price range. Nevermind.

"Save the spoons for me, I need them to magically extract filthy lucre from the deserving. I also want to help my friend Micheal Jackson by using spoon resonance to summon the mother ship before the trial."
-Uri Geller

why are your comment sections closed for your other postings?

[Because some folks come to be the show rather than see the show. -B.]

Be hold Conquistodores,
El Dorado is to be found in the Flat land of SACK.
Montezuma is the the one called Brian.

This stuff is widely sold (and so I guess widely bought) throughout Saudi Arabia.

No wonder they hate us.


Love them........Anyone that can afford to will.

........No, darlings, no, no, no. The design is ATROCIOUS. Expensive or not... this would just be a damn poor choice in flatware. However, hang in there -- some gaudy tasteless person will just HAVE to have it.

I want 'em. Are they sold?

Because I collect Sackinalia. I covet everything B. He is a comedic god. Not the dead god, whose headstone I took a rubbing of (a small cemetery in Italy). But definitely a comic god.

I'll take his cast-off sweaters, his flatware, anything - if you've acquired his camera by accident or larcey, gimme gimme gimme.

Don't stop writing Brian. And don't stop sloughing castaway items for the B.S. collector.

Love - it's a big word, but you fill it right up.

Might I suggest also selling that tremendously awful inlaid coffee table on which you display your wares? Nothing shouts "I got the short end of the stick in the divorce" like an inlaid coffee table.

I love that saying "With great spoons come great freinds." How often it has proven true.

As a 20 year old, if I see a guy with GOLDEN utensils, you better believe my top button is opening up. Hello Sugar Daddy! Spank me with your ladel.

I love that flatware. Looks beautiful.

omg, you've got too much time on your hand, seriously. How much?

HA! Thanks for the laugh.

how much?

How much are you selling these for?

How much for the whole set? And do you have more? Perhaps in silver?

Do you still have your gold flatware set?

[ Sadly, yes. -B. ]

While I believe, (and that without vainglory) that I have a respectable degree of self-restraint, I will, in fact, burst an artery if I don't get an answer to the obvious question - Why, dear sir, WHY! have these, shall we say, THINGS arrived in your otherwise blameless life?

[ I'm innocent! Somebody I know bought a house and this was left in it. -B. ]

Hello. What are you asking for the gold Versace flatware set? Also, does it have a specific pattern name other than just the designer's name. And, is it still being manufactured so that additional pieces could be purchased if pieces were to get damaged or misplaced?

These are beautiful. Please give price range.

absolutely loved this piece right here.....classic!

It has truly made me wonder why the hell I want gold flat ware....well until i remember its for my VIP theme set up for my chaffing dishes which is the only reason to use something so gaudy - gold dishes at the home is kinda Donald Trump - lol

not sure of the colour of these

Do U Still have it i will buy these from u please tell me what is the price for them this is my email

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