Aware what the apostrophe is for and exactly when its use is called for.
Knows not to place all its capital in one mysterious hedge fund.
Can name the capitals of all fifty American states and eleven Canadian provinces.
Able to draw from a large pool of memorized quotes.
Speaks French fluently in the sense that it can speak French and not the American definition which means “I can say bonjour and mention the weather.”
Defended itself before the Supreme Court and won!
Refuses to watch reality television programming.
You’d Think a Billionaire Like Bloomberg Could Afford Better Spokesmumblers
I’m not a management type by any stretch of the imagination but I think if I was hiring people to call voters and spread the word I’d at least make sure that they had some command of the language. Just because that’s what you need to effectively convey a message. Which is what this didn’t do:
In fact, the Mike for Mayor campaign has been working extra hard to lose my vote; calling repeatedly despite the fact I’m on the Do Not Call list and have been for years. I mentioned that fact to one caller who replied
, “I did not know that.” He didn’t bother to take me off the list though, because Mumbles called the next day and left this gem.
Just this morning I received another call prompting me to give them an ultimatum: If they call again, I’ll be voting for the other guy. Whoever the hell he is.
Book: Struwwelpeter (Shock-Headed Peter)
A little over 150 years ago a German father decided that there were no good books to read to his son and endeavored to write and illustrate his very own. There were several lessons he aimed to teach his child and, being German, he didn’t beat around the bush. The lessons included things like:
- If you play with matches you will burn to death and cats will cry on your ashes.
- If you don’t eat your supper you will starve to death.
- A tailor with giant shears will snip your thumbs off if you don’t stop sucking them.
And so was born Struwwelpeter (Shock-Headed Peter) a book I was completely unaware existed until a good friend said, “You really have to get this book.” I did, because I do everything he says, and I don’t regret it a single bit. In an age of sterile, soulless books for children this is a most refreshing one – and that goes for the adult as well. I’d much rather read about a boy suffering for his maltreatment of animals than I would anything shat out by the Baby Einstein empire. Not many books have morals like if you go out in a storm you will be blown to your doom.
The book’s title comes from one of the book’s stories about a boy who is poorly groomed – so no one likes him. Compared to the other tales he gets off pretty easy.
You can find Struwwelpeter on Amazon.
Yelp: Loews Hotel Vogue
Montréal is a great city, filled with tons of naked women dancing. Usually naked women dancing are pushed off into some corner of a city – such as Boston’s Combat Zone, or New York’s Times Square before Giuliani Disneyfied the area. But not Montréal. There, you can step out of a high-end clothing store, walk eight feet, and enter an establishment where you can fondle a stranger’s breasts in exchange for money – if you’re so inclined.
I also learned that Montréal hates Toronto.
As for lodging, I have reviewed Loews Hotel Vogue on Yelp.
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Took On The Nigerian?
Longtime reader Mick sent me this Vanity Fair piece by Ted Travelstead wherein he takes on a Nigerian email scammer. Mick was reminded of something done here six years ago, and then again
, and again, and again and again, and again, and again.
Thanks for remembering, Mick. I may be years ahead of Ted in this case, but he’s smarter as he managed to actually get paid for it.
Book: And Here’s The Kicker
Vanity Fair editor Mike Sacks, who holds a dear place in my heart because of his efforts to promote my book, has his own book. And Here’s the Kicker is a collection of interviews with 21 comedy writers from TV, publishing, film and the interweb.
If you like humor, aspire to write humor, or write humor and want to know what the hell you have to do to get published in the New Yorker, it’s well worth reading. The insight on The Onion movie disaster alone is worth the book’s weight in gold – which would currently be $16,131 because I checked.
Obviously you can find it in bookstores, or online book behemoth Amazon.
Banterist Gets A Mashable Shout Out, Which I Am Told Is Good
An old Banterist post, Facebook in the Fuhrerbunker
, made Mashable’s Top 5 Funniest Fake Facebook Pages list. This was the first I’d heard of Mashable – though that means absolutely nothing because I didn’t know who Jon and Kate were until last week when someone made a point to tell me.
Now I see that Mashable has over 1.1 million followers, which makes my Twitter page feel sad and worthless.
My Swear-Laden, Violent Mob Comedy Is Busy
The Canadian premiere of Deposition took place on Thursday, July 23rd at the Just For Laughs film festival, which is part of the enormous Just For Laughs comedy festival. Montréal goes absolutely nuts for this festival, which features comedy acts from around the world – meaning the US, Canada, England, Ireland and Australia. No offense to aspiring Bangladeshi comedians. During this festival, Montréal has more neurotic, miserable, angry, lonely comics per capita than any city in the world! Louis C.K. was wandering around the hotel with a bottle of Gold Bond medicated powder in his pocket. I didn’t ask why. Caught his show one night at the festival, and it was everything I expected. Brutally funny. The stage was set by comedian Jimmy Carr who was invited at the last minute to open the show after running into Louis on the street. An Englishman in a suit telling some of the most wonderfully vulgar jokes I’ve heard in a long time.
The Just For Laughs screening was followed by a screening on Friday at the LA Shorts Fest. Since the director Tommy and I were in Montréal
, not going to its many strip clubs, we sent actor Dan Olivo in to answer questions after the show. Dan is the most supportive actor ever. If there was an Oscar for Best Supportive Actor he would totally get it. If you don’t have a marketing budget, just cast Dan in your film and he’ll take care of the rest.
That was followed by another LA screening on Saturday and Sunday at the SSG Summer Shorts Fest.
At this point we’ve had six screenings in LA, and I think we’re likely done there for a bit. Unless you’re industry, in which case we’ll come to your house and play it for you.
Yelp: Tout Va Bien
I’m a big fan of the review website Yelp.com. I’ve used it countless times to pick, or not pick, a place for dinner. I don’t review every place I eat at but when I do – it’s usually because it was extraordinarily good, or ungood.
In this particular instance, all not so bien at Tout Va Bien.
Michael Jackson Is All That Is Happening
I haven’t been following the Michael Jackson funeral-a-thon for a couple reasons. One is that I’m accessing the internet through a horrible connection offered by the public library. The library’s asthmatic connection is further strained by the gold-piece collecting efforts of several World of Warcraft players and a girl updating her Webkinz page. Apparently libraries have replaced internet cafés as places to go and not read. For the record
, two of the three WoW players are well overweight and should go outside and run around a lot.
The other reason is the absolute hypocrisy that the media is putting us through. For the last decade or so Mr. Jackson was mocked, belittled, laughed at and generally denigrated as a freak show by any outfit you can name. Then suddenly he dies, and it turns out the media loved him all along. The bizarre behavior, the melting nose, financial chaos, the awkward camaraderie with young kids – all forgotten and/or redefined as superstar quirkiness.
Now, it’s too bad he’s dead, but people have gone nuts. This is like Anna Nicole Smith times ninety. They’re going to make a Papal funeral seem like an impromptu clambake.
What seems like an insane ceremony is underway. I’m only experiencing it via the play-by-play updates I see on Twitter, but I’m finding the tweets astounding. It sounds like a circus, with SWAT team escorts and Staples Center and throngs of fans and helicopters and gold coffins – and the best part: LA’s mayor asking for money from Mr. Jackson’s fans to offset the costs of the memorial service they’re putting on.
So, you have the mayor of a city that can’t afford it in a state that is bankrupt, spending a fortune on a memorial service for a musician who just a couple weeks ago was pretty much considered a laughing stock by lots of people.
And they’re asking the very same people who bought millions of songs in the days since his death to cough up even more money to pay for all this stuff. Just can’t beat it.
Grammar Cop: Bernie Madoff Sentencing Edition
Defendant: A corrections facility, ironically.
Count 1: Second Degree grammatical malfeasance.
Count 2: Rendering error permanent through engraving.
Count 3: Mounting and displaying of criminal spelling in an official venue.
Report: Officer Evans was in a jail in an undetermined role as law enforcement official
, arrestee or friend bearing bail money when she noticed aforementioned signage. Presumably she was not cuffed, enabling her to capture the transgression utilizing the lousy camera on her iPhone.
Fine: Full refund of bail money and dropping of any misdemeanor charges.
Common Sense Man-On-The-Street Interviews
For this, we wandered around Bryant Park with a tiny camera and a karaoke microphone, giving us a nice “public access” feel. We figured Bryant Park was a good place because you’d get a mix of folks as opposed to Washington Square Park where everyone has dreadlocks and pierced genitals.
Because I am shy we forced two interns to make the initial contact and screen people. I don’t know what criteria they used to screen because one lady was visiting from the Philippines and didn’t know anything about U.S. affairs.
As expected
, most folks identified themselves as democrats though one guy had actually voted for McCain. The “liberal realist” was one of my favorites. Very bright guy. The best reaction came from the woman whose views were the polar opposite of her husband, a rabid Fox News fan. The English woman was lovely and I was thrilled to learn a new insult, “Essex Lad.”
Most folks passed on keeping the signed “We Agree!” headshot of Glenn which I think was a mistake, because even if you loathe him you can still sell something like that on eBay. One man’s trash is another man’s 8×10 glossy of joy.
Obviously this survey has no scientific merit and the margin of error was absolutely ludicrous.
Oh, Child Left Behind
I suppose this is exactly the kind of quote we should expect to see in an article about how 60% of the 8th graders at one Chicago school won’t be going on to 9th grade:
“It’s horrible because these kids were under the impression they were graduating, and they let them know at the last minute that they wasn’t,” Billingsley said.
CBS 2 Chicago – 44 Of 77 Students At Bradwell Elementary Did Not Pass Eighth Grade
Grammar Cop: Please Type Responsibly
Defendant: Ketel One Vodka; Aliso Viejo, CA
Count 1: Negligent spelling, headline.
Count 2: Negligent spelling, geographic location. (Click image to view)
Count 3: Grammatical malfeasance committed during advertising.
Count 4: Failure to properly spell the town in which your business and/or residence is located, which one would assume should be easy to do.
Report: Officer DeWitt of the Computer H Information Superhighway Patrol (CHiSPs) was on a routine visit to Gizmodo, the tech gadget website, when he was exposed to numerous banner advertisements for Ketel One vodka. While being subjected to liquor advertising that for once didn’t suggest imbibing would lead to a sexual experience with a hot blond, the officer noticed the transgression and captured it electronically.
Fine: $320 and a case of wheat-distilled vodka
, though potatoes are better.
My First Consulting Gig
I saw this ad on Facebook and it made me think of starting a marketing consultancy. I would sit down one-on-one with Don and say, “Don, do not use that picture in your ad.” It would undoubtedly increase sales in his company. And then I would charge him just $400.
Deposition at Dances With Films, Los Angeles
My violent
, swear-laden mafia comedy The Deposition of Lou Bagetta screens Sunday, June 7th at Laemmle’s Sunset 5 movie theater in Los Angeles, 5pm. It appears in Competition Block 4 as part of the Dances With Films festival that I am accidentally not at.
Tickets are here.
“It Was Twenty Years Ago Today”
In 2005 my wife dragged me, kicking and screaming, to China. I did not want to go because I had a picture in my head that I was quite comfortable with and didn’t feel like challenging it. But, since my wife is almost invariably right it turned out to be one of the most amazing trips of my life. I still talk about the asparagus. Best asparagus ever. No doubt it was farmed in melamine-tainted soil with carcinogenic fertilizers – but it was truly delicious.
My experiences in China taught me many things – and I wrote about it here. The trip opened my eyes to the fact that China is not communist as much as it’s totalitarian capitalist. I saw Ferarris and BMWs and other expensive cars you’re not supposed to have in Marx’s ludicrous class-free fantasy land. I saw a modernity that I’d never expected to see. Sure, over a billion live in squalor, but 300 million more – a number that’s close to the total number of us here in the U.S. – live middle and upper-middle class lives. They go to bars and restaurants, hang out with friends, drive cars, and have jobs that don’t involve wearing comrade overalls. In many ways they’re like us, with the exception that the government is ominous, ever-present and really creepy.
One of the most popular things I’ve ever written came from the trip. Sad really. I spend so much time trying to be high-brow, yet I write about poo and it becomes the star of the show.
China introduced me to fantastic and bizarre culinary and cultural experiences. Like sucking down dumplings as twelve people stood around me, waiting to take my seat. And eating a bird’s nest. But one of the most enriching experiences came from talking to people. They live on the other side of the world, have a totally different perspective on life, and have ingrained opinions on our culture and lifestyle – just as we do about theirs.
Naturally, they’re guarded. Their lives can be dramatically altered at the whim of the state. For that reason, most of the people I met steered clear of politics. Some people were clearly brainwashed – like the ones peddling Mao’s Little Red Book and selling cutesy Mao watches. The man killed millions upon millions of his own people – on purpose and through failed policy – yet to lots of folks he’s like Bono.
Other people simply chose the path of least resistance. They had good lives, especially when compared to the life of a peasant in the countryside. They didn’t want to muck that up. You don’t ask questions, you accept the rules that are laid down, you sacrifice what you’re asked to sacrifice, and all’s well.
But there are others. The ones who see through the propaganda, the censorship and the whitewashing. They’re not content to live in a land of awesome asparagus. They see their government for what it is: a big, uncaring, scary, all-powerful machine that is perfectly willing to gun down thousands of people for the crime of wanting something better.
I met one of those people on the trip. In the safety and security of his car he was able to let his guard down and as we talked I got a sense that he was a dissenter. Unlike other people who had recited the party line to me on various topics
, he had opinions and asked me questions about my country and politics. As we went past the giant portrait of Mao over the gates of Tiananmen I asked him what he thought about Mao, Tiananmen, the Party and the night in 1989 when students did the unthinkable by gathering in protest. Something that scared the living bejeezus out of their government.
He shook his head, and recalled that night. He was there. Hope and change weren’t marketing buzzwords, they were ripples emanating from that square and rocking the very foundation of the Chinese government. He was there when that excitement turned into terror as gunfire ripped people apart, and he was among the panicked crowds that fled down side streets, lucky to avoid the bullets and batons his government used to silence dissent.
He lost friends that night. And he was full of anger about it, as he should have been. I took away from our conversation two things: One, he was a man who, just like you and I would, seethed from the injustice perpetrated on his fellow citizens. And two, he was afraid that his government would succeed in making it all a distant memory.
The leaders of the People’s Republic would really, really like us all to forget that night, twenty years ago today. They do every Orwellian thing they can to pretend it was a non-event, that thousands didn’t die, and that parents weren’t awakened by soldiers dumping the bodies of their children on the doorstep.
It was an ugly, ugly night. They’d like to forget it all happened. All you have to do to strike a blow against tyranny is to not let them.
My friend would thank you. Quietly, of course.
Three Must-Have iPhone Apps for New Yorkers
iAvoid
Utilizes dynamic GPS to route you past annoying sidewalk representatives for Greenpeace, Children International, ACLU, Human Rights Watch, Save The Children, Save The Animals, DNC and Amnesty International. To name a few.
MilkQuest
Excellent app for mapping out the price disparity of a half-gallon of milk at the 18 bodegas in your neighborhood.
iAwake
Hold up to your window to learn exactly how many decibels the gentleman parked outside your window is emitting from his tricked-out Lexus SUV while his friends have a violent argument in the street.
Jury Duty Tips
We’re blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!) can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a civic obligation.
That said, sometimes jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you’d really like to get the hell out of – like if the trial will last over a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a bent building.
Here are some helpful tips:
- Declare yourself a sovereign republic. Tell the lawyers you are not subject to the laws or jurisdiction of the United States because you are a country from the skin inward.
- Approach the lawyers and ask, “Where the guilty one at?” This should result excusal on grounds of bias and/or grammatical malfeasance.
- Tell them you’re part of a daytime improvisational comedy troupe Mission Improv-able that will suffer hardship if you’re not there to provide base swears and crude scatological references.
- Rock back and forth mumbling
, “Man, I wish Carrot Top could see this.”
- When the attorneys ask if you can be fair and impartial say, “For $40 a day? Pick one.”
- Hold a quarter and keep referring to it as The Decisionmaker.
- Tell them you will be fair and impartial as dictated by Starfleet legal code.
- Frighten every attorney in the room by suggesting this could probably be resolved through binding arbitration instead.
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