Satire

Dear Neighbor,
There’s a new bank in town. Perhaps you’ve seen our stickers on a light pole.
We’re not just any bank. We’re PandaBank. Like our name suggests, we love zoos.
At ordinary banks you’re just an account number. At PandaBank we know you by your first name and a physical characteristic. Just ask Monica Cankles.
At PandaBank we know you don’t want to be bothered with banking at odd hours, so we don’t have ATMs. We eliminated paper waste with our slate checks. And we eliminated electronic waste by turning everything off.
Unlike regulated banks, PandaBank is not FDIC insured. That allows us to go by the honor system and do things other banks can’t. Like keep money in shoe bins from the Container Store.
You work hard for your money, why not let us put it in a shoe bin from the Container Store? When you need it back, come talk to us. We’ll have you sign a few things and give it to you for a small fee. Sure, other banks do that too, but other banks also give you perks for opening new accounts.
Other banks spend huge amounts of money advertising and pass those costs on to you. PandaBank outsourced all their creative to a guy in Bombay:

Not bad for $89.
At PandaBank, we know your money is like a child to you: It has a lot of germs and you want it to grow quickly. Plus, burning it is illegal.
PandaBank knows you have other choices when it comes to banking, and we’re working hard to stop that. If you live near Park and 38th, there’s a PandaBank branch near you.
We hope to see you soon. Stop in, and look for the guy with the most buttons on his hat.
Carl M. Peytonplace
Branch Manager & Barista

A lot of people ask me what the secret is to a successful marriage and I am happy to tell them: it is berries.
It doesn’t matter what kind of berries. That’s not the significant part. Their colors, shape or size is totally inconsequential. What matters is that they grow on bushes or small plants and can be easily smushed into jams.
I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking that’s crazy, you can’t be serious! because that’s exactly what each and every therapist has said. You’re berry-obsessed, said Doctor Fielder. I think there’s too much emphasis on berries in your life, stated Dr. Ziegenfeld. And Dr. Malmstrom said I was berry crazy. But you know what I said to them? I said Berries! That’s because I don’t swear anymore and replace all naughty words and racial epithets with berries. Anyway, there’s a reason those people are no longer my therapists. For that kind of money I want someone who understands berries and how they are the secret to every successful marriage. They can go berry themselves.
So back to the original question. Why do so many relationships fail? Easy:
Berries (not the swear, the plural noun).
When I met my wife at Knott’s I knew she was the right one for me. I could tell that she knew the difference between straw- blue- boysen- and cran-. For example, she’s a waffle. Every day she starts her morning covered in syrup. Perhaps whipped cream. And always, always berries. I’m sorry. She’s human. She’s not a waffle. She’s human. She’s my wife. And she’s good with berries. By berries I mean children. And mutual understanding. Oprah. I’m so sorry. I’m all over the berrying place here. She’s not a waffle. Okay, this is bullberry. I sound like a berrying nutcase. The secret to a successful marriage is not berries. I’m not sure why I thought that. It’s communication. When you’re in a good berry – marriage – you communicate. You don’t keep secrets from your partner. You share everything. If you can’t do that, if you’ve established a secret Post Office box as a drop box for the berry people, then you’ve done your waffle a disservice. When I met my waffle. WIFE. So sorry. I’m coming across like a berryhole.
We’re going to take a short break.

A weekly analysis of the world’s greatest cartoon.
MONDAY
Summary:
Jon asks Garfield if he is jealous about his new flame, Liz. Garfield thinks Jon shouldn’t flatter himself.
Why this is funny:
The humor here comes from the fact that Jon secretly wants Garfield to be jealous of his dating Liz. For the cat to express such feelings would suggest that he values Jon and their friendship – offering a necessary boost of self-esteem to a 50-year old bachelor who has been living with a cat for nearly three decades.
However, what Jon has not realized in the 28 years he’s cohabitated with a cat is that Garfield is a sassy, independent feline with a rapier wit from which no one is safe.
TUESDAY
Summary:
Apparently the relationship between Jon and Liz is going swimmingly. Although Jon states he likes Liz “a lot” he is unwilling to be “serious” in the sense that he considers himself not ready to show her his sock drawer. Garfield agrees with Jon, and suggests that he should not show her his sock drawer until his wedding night.
Why this is funny:
In this case, no one is prepared for the comedic sucker-punch: that a sock drawer represents a relationship milestone. The comedy juggernaut continues through the last panel when Garfield suggests Jon should save the sock drawer for his wedding night with Liz. This is hilarious because most people do not see wedding nights as an occasion for sock drawer voyeurism but rather as a night of drunken humping. Or for traditionalists – awkwardness and bleeding.
WEDNESDAY
Summary:
Jon reports to Garfield that Liz laughed at his jokes all night. When he is greeted by silence, he inquires as to whether it is wrong to question Liz’s sense of humor. Garfield suggests that it is not, implying that Jon’s sense of humor is not good. The comedy factor is significantly increased by Jon’s polka-dot bow tie.
Why this is funny:
We start by laughing at Jon’s outrageous bow tie, then we find ourselves rooting for him. The child-like excitement of a 50-year old man gushing in front of his aged, snotty cat is endearing. When his enthusiasm is greeted by silence (a signature Garfield technique) Jon remembers he’s not funny. This is reinforced by Garfield who, like Mo’Nique, is never afraid to tell it like it is. The humor is multiplied because Garfield is a little cat and Jon is a human who could conceivably have the snarky feline put to sleep.
THURSDAY
Summary:
Liz meets Garfield and states that since she and Jon are dating, she hopes they can be friends. Garfield suggests that this will be difficult because he has seen her naked.
Why this is funny:
This preys on our emotional investment in Jon, and our anxiety about his new relationship. We want things with Liz to work because Jon is approaching his golden years and lives with an impudent cat. But we also know that Garfield is never going to make things easy – so we’re completely primed for his impish response. Naturally we’re not disappointed! Not only does he suggest he’s seen Liz naked (imagine the hilarious visual of a naked woman walking by a cat!) but Garfield’s excuse rings true: It is hard to be friends with someone who’s seen you naked. Right?
FRIDAY
Summary:
Jon and Liz express their like for one another. Jon informs Liz that he wants to take the relationship “to the next level” – which Liz comes to understand means polka-karaoke night. Garfield tops off the punch-line with the sarcastic quip “Welcome to our world, baby.”
Why this is funny:
Again, cartoonist Davis displays a mastery of the comedic art of building up expectations in the audience before delivering something completely unexpected. In this case, we all come to believe “the next level” must mean something significant such as dating exclusivity, cohabitation or sodomy. But no! Once again the reader is sucker-punched with the hilarious revelation that Jon considers “polka karaoke night” an advancement in the relationship.
When Garfield quips “Welcome to our world, baby” he is acknowledging that a socially inept 50-year old bachelor and a snide cat is an unusual situation for a woman to be brought into. One can only wonder what happens with Jon and Liz next week, and if there’s some kind of tenure for cartoonists.

Next week: A look at the incredibly subtle humor of Cathy.

Employees I’ve dealt with at electronics mega-retailer Best Buy, placed in other lines of work.
COMEDY CLUB EMCEE
Tells audience he’ll “be right with them” and spends the next eight minutes trying to break down a cardboard box.
PHARMACIST
Says he needs a key for the cabinet. Goes and looks for a key. Says he doesn’t know who has the key. Shrugs.
NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE
Is adamant that SBUX is around $80 per share. Finally consults a computer and admits it’s $34 and he doesn’t know what happened because he’s sure it was $80 yesterday.
POLICEMAN
Can’t help you with the stabbing because he’s only familiar with larceny.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
Answers all questions with “Mmmmmmhmmmm.” When asked directly if he knows what he’s talking about, excuses himself and doesn’t return.
WAITER
Knows they definitely don’t carry bread because they only sell food. Checks with manager. Had no idea bread was food.
DIPLOMAT
Though supposedly on a fact-finding mission, is actually on a lunch-eating mission.
WHOLE FOODS CLERK
When asked for parsley, leads you to squash.

MACLURE’S DISPOSABLE SUBWAY MITTENS
Having to ride the subway is bad enough, but having to touch the filth-covered bars is downright traumatic. MacLure’s Disposable Subway Mittens insulate your hands in a biodynamic anti-bacterial gel, putting half an inch of Kevlar-reinforced nylon and microbe-resistant poly-cotton padding between you and some homeless guy’s snot. Sold individually as well as in weekly and monthly commuter packs. $2.95 ea.

EXIT STRATEGY TURNSTILE TONGS
When you push through a turnstile you’re putting your crotch in the same exact place that millions of other crotches have been. No one knows what the long-term effects of that could be… do you want to take any chances? Our Turnstile Tongs ensure you exit the station free from crotch germs, if any. Comes with convenient carry case and 12 oz sterilizer spray. $18.95 ea.

SEAT BEATERS
Sometimes the subway feels like a lose-lose venture! Stand, and you’re forced to touch the microscopic urine particles that are no doubt coating all surfaces. Sit, and you’re putting your clean pants on a surface that some drunk’s filthy shoes were probably propped up on. Seat Beaters are revolutionary germ-resistant pads infused with the power of twelve bleaches. Just remember to lean forward or your shirt will most likely be contaminated by the seatback.

FLYING GOLDFISH KIOSK FINGER
Avoid germs and have fun at the same time! The Flying Goldfish Kiosk Finger lets you use MetroCard kiosk buttons fearlessly – and it’s guaranteed to make fellow straphangers laugh. Refill your card, get a new card, or take advantage of several other kiosk options without worrying about fecal residue. $8.99 ea.

SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING KIT
The subway is not mobile-phone friendly, so if you want to report a suspicious package you’ll need to use the payphone – yikes! Ironically, that festering cauldron of germs could be even more dangerous than a gas attack. The See Something Say Something Kit saves the day! Use the six foot wooden stick to get the receiver off the hook, dial ‘0’ with the rubber fingertip guard, then simply shout your urgent message at the phone with the bullhorn. $124.95 ea.

What is a FAQ?
A FAQ is a document that answers questions common to a particular subject or theme. In this case, FAQs.
What does FAQ stand for?
FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
When would I use a FAQ?
You would use a FAQ any time you wanted to explain something to people without having to do so on an individual basis. So it’s like a bullhorn that can be ignored.
What kind of questions does a FAQ address?
A FAQ addresses any questions that the writer feels are likely to be asked by people reading it.
How can the writer anticipate what questions will be asked?
It depends on the subject matter and the writer’s skill(z). If he’s writing about electricity, he’ll know people will ask about the difference between an amp and a volt. If he’s writing about Dungeons & Dragons, he’ll know people will ask what a +5 scimitar is, and what’s wrong with him.
Who takes it upon themselves to write a FAQ?
Anyone who has too much free time and feels they know a lot about the subject, be it Martin Van Buren or Flamenco.
What does a FAQ look like?
A FAQ often consists of questions in italics followed by answers to those questions.
Are FAQs useful?
Yes. For example, if Paul Revere had used one he’d have saved himself from riding all over Boston with this FAQ:
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp Q: Are the British coming?
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp A: Yes.
How long is a FAQ?
The length of a FAQ depends on the subject matter. If it’s about a complex subject like dissociative identity disorder it could be very long. If it’s about David Spade or Grenada, one page will suffice.
What’s the most common way to end a FAQ?
Quite often a FAQ will end by acknowledging the people who put it together.
Thanks to Buster Poindexter, Fran Tarkenton, Crispin Glover’s neighbor Tyler, Jackson Browne, Anne Rice, Devo, Jeff from The Wiggles and the entire staff of General Dynamics for their help in putting this FAQ together.

Mega Force was the most elite unit of the Galactic Army. They prepared for duty with very intense training and enjoyed state-of-the-art equipment. Their members were hailed as heroes in all corners of the universe. Mega Force was disbanded in 2134 because of internal bitching.
The issues:
Laser Beam Sounds
Members of Mega Force could not agree on a sound for their laser beams. Several fought to change the existing laser beam sound from the traditional high-pitched Cheew-Cheew sound to a lower-range Byoo-Byoo sound. This ongoing dispute diverted time and energy that would have otherwise been devoted to more worthy projects – such as keeping Station Beta from being destroyed.
The Patch
Lt. Danté felt the cursive font on the Mega Force patch was messy and that it looked like it said “Mega Fonce.” He wouldn’t let up for three weeks until finally HQ agreed to change the font. When the Tioks attacked New France, everyone’s uniform was in the shop having the patches replaced. By the time they got their new patches sewn on, thousands were dead and everyone was mad at Mega Force. People said they wished the Mega Fonce guys had come instead, because they were faster.
Frivolous Claims
Farschanth translator Captain T’ung was forced to spend three months defending against allegations of sexual harassment from Betty Po despite the fact the Farschanth are genderless and born from fibrous husks.
Sgt. Baker’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Sgt. Baker was teased mercilessly because he would not operate the teleporter until Mega Force members were standing on the teleport pad according to height, name and birthday. Because Mega Force members wouldn’t cooperate, often times it took 40 minutes to get to the planet surface – at which time most hostages were usually dead.
Failure to Scramble
Dispatch Officer Porter refused to call the Advanced Tactical Spacefighter by its proper name, so no one knew what he meant when he said “Launch the dildo boat.”
Lieutenants Brandon and Barnschweiger
Brandon and Barnschweiger tied up the secure communications link calling each other “bitch” for twelve minutes, so nobody heard the message from CENTCOM telling everyone to look out for the supernova.

Trade stocks through a licensed broker, not from a guy named Lewis who wants to be paid in cash.
A good investor always sees opportunity. For example: In a heavy downpour he’ll say “Who makes these crap umbrellas that everyone leaves scattered in the streets of New York?” Then he’ll invest in that company because people keep buying those crap umbrellas.
Buy Starbucks seven years ago.
Long-term investments are generally a better bet than short-term investments. A wise investor buys a stock, then forgets about it for 18 years. Only when his son goes off to college does he think, “Hey, I wonder how Lucent is doing?”
Don’t forget your “due diligence.” If you don’t know what that means, just casually glance at the company’s analysis on Yahoo and you’re done.
Although it helps to know what Price-to-Earnings and other figures mean, it’s not essential as sometimes they’re just made up by the company.
If you call your broker to ask about a particular company and you hear him click-clacking on his keyboard – that means he’s looking it up on Google.
Know the key difference between “Day trading” and “Sitting at the computer in your pajamas losing all your money.”
Ask your broker if a certain stock looks “uppity-doodles” or “downity-doodles.” If he doesn’t ask you what the hell you’re talking about, he’s not a good broker.
Knowing when to get out of a stock is just as important as knowing when to get in. When you see the CEO being led away in handcuffs, you probably missed the best time to sell.
A good broker will repeat your order and execute the trade, not ask “How I do that?”
A bad broker won’t stop talking about wanting to dance professionally.
Invest in companies you know, or at least companies you’ve heard a lot about. Don’t invest in companies which are invisible because you can’t see what they’re doing and you’ll never know if they went out of business.
Stocks are in a sense tiny pieces of a company. Owning even a single share lets you bully and harass the staff of that particular company’s operation and preface your complaints with “As a shareholder…” For example: “As a shareholder, I’m very upset this Home Depot is sold out of my favorite twine.”
If you’re going the discount brokerage route, stick with well-known houses like Scottrade, E*Trade, Schwab or TD Waterhouse. Avoid lesser-known brokerages like StockForce!, Let’s Do This and PhatTrade.
Buy one of the Rich Dad, Poor Dad books by Robert T. Kioyosaki. Then buy stock in paper companies like Georgia Pacific once you realize he’s contractually obligated to poop out books like that on a regular basis.
Your portfolio should contain a mixture of stocks, mutual funds, bonds and cash. When the market is acting wiggly, use the cash for scratch tickets.
The “conservative” portfolio contains reliable stocks and bonds, and tends to grow slowly with minimal risk. This is the best bet for not squandering what grandpa left you.
The “moderate” portfolio contains a mix of reliable and speculative stocks, and aims for more growth by taking on more risk. This is the best portfolio for Libras and drivers who lurch out into intersections then panic and hit the brakes.
The “aggressive” portfolio is highly risky, but has the greatest potential for gains. On the downside – you might be working at Bickford’s when you had hoped to retire.
If a company decides to incorporate Mohammed into their logo – time to sell.
Don’t get caught up in “shorting” stocks, futures or options trading – those are all things best left to an investor who knows what he’s doing.
Most important: Have fun! Investing in stocks is all about the free annual reports you’ll get and the joy of proxy voting. Remember: You can’t take it with you, but having owned JDS Uniphase when it was $125 will stick with you for eternity.

We see them every day on reality television, dating websites, and job interviews.
They’re comedians, musicians, artists and writers. They sing, they dance. And they have a dream – which usually involves being rich and/or famous.
They’re America’s young adults: confident, proud, cocky. Full of spirit and ambition. Eager get out there and show the world what they’ve got. And yet they’re mediocre, witless, and untalented.
Where do these young men and women get what it takes to overcome that reality and put themselves center stage with so little to back them up? Where do concepts like “aptitude”, “intelligence” and “paying one’s dues” find themselves smothered to death by a big duvet of denial?
Camp Falsehopes, for Unpromising Teens. That’s where.
Founded in 1964 by Dr. Angus Delton, Camp Falsehopes was one of the first places of its kind – a pioneer in the field of adolescent deniology coupled with praise therapy. What began in the back room of a dental office quickly expanded to accommodate a growing influx of bleak and incompetent young adults. Not long after its founding, it became obvious how badly America had needed such a place. A place where kids wouldn’t be asked to practice, study, or not eat eight pounds of bacon. A place that wasn’t afraid to tell them just how incredibly awesome they were, over and over and over again. A place where coddling wasn’t just for eggs, but for children – beginning mere moments out of the womb and ending right around the time they try to join the workforce.
For unremarkable young American men and women, Camp Falsehopes is the answer.
Our graduates are regularly in the public eye. Perhaps you’ve noticed them on American Idol, or heard them thinking they’re going to enter the workforce at $150,000 a year. Maybe you’ve accidentally stumbled on to their back-room comedy show which they believe to be absolutely hilarious.
At Camp Falsehopes, our mission is simple: Reward every single child with an endless stream of praise so that they develop an overwhelming confidence and sense of ability. Equip an entire generation with the can-do attitude that outshines the dim realities that they might find troubling. Make sure every child knows we’re all equally smart, attractive and share the same unlimited potential. Simply wanting to succeed is enough. Effort and ability should never be part of the entitlement equation – and at Camp Falsehopes, they never are.
Our Philosophy:
You are the smartest, most talented, most beautiful young man or woman to ever grace us with your presence. You poop gold.
Some Of Our Methods:
– Showering your amazing child with morale-building praise.
– Setting easily-attainable standards of excellence.
– Making criticism as unheard of as marital fidelity in Paris.
– Mandating every eighth word should be a variation of “wonderful.”
– Blaming all negatives on outside forces, like mean people or l’ailment du jour.
Some Of Our Classes:
You Are Brilliant! The purpose of this class is to give everyone the confidence they need to form opinions and make declarations – but without the awkwardness of encountering dissent. Kids who attend You Are Brilliant! have all the answers, and quite frequently choose to take the follow-up class: My Great, Unchallenged Idea.
Stop Dreaming And Start Being. Want to be a great singer who should be famous? You are! That’s the message our kids leave after taking this class. All performances receive incredible amounts of applause, giving even the most tone-deaf aspiring star the gusto he or she needs to make their case in front of 38 million people on American Idol.
That’s Not How I See It. Students taking this class will learn how to deal with criticism from all the nasty critics of the world with phrases like “You’re wrong!”, “My mom says otherwise” and “I disagree!”
Matchcrafting. Students learn how to ramp-up their online dating experience by creatively redefining the meanings of “slim” , “intelligent” and “very attractive.”
Yet Another Comedy Troupe. No one’s funnier than you are. Practice your act in front of an audience of supportive, like-minded peers before letting the world see your hilarious mocking of the Normandy invasion and your signature “Grandma’s Menstruating Again!” sketch. (Kudos to alumnus Jimmy Fallon, regular breacher of the fourth wall.)
Blame Dynamics. Being able to quickly assign blame for one’s faults is of paramount importance. Students learn how and when to attribute problems to Attention-Deficit Disorder, Dyslexia and jealous others who don’t want them to succeed.
Some Of Our Facilities:
We have a wide range of outdoor activities designed in the spirit of encouragement through the removal of needless challenge. Our archery targets feature a four-foot wide bullseye.
The swimming pool is 14 feet long, but labeled as “Olympic Sized” so as to give the impression of achievement. The water is heavily salted, giving even the largest boy or girl the buoyancy of a physically adept, professional swimmer. Public address speakers are hidden in the stands and play a continuous loop of encouraging cheers.
The prestigious Camp Falsehopes Hall of Fame features every single young adult to ever attend Camp Falsehopes.
Our state-of-the-art auditorium features a Jennifer Lopez 500X Audio Processing System that will make your son or daughter sound like a million-dollar contract.
Pollux the Pony is arthritic and practically immobile, giving all students a chance to easily mount and ride him. Being able to mount and ride a pony makes kids feel good – like they could run a Fortune 500 company with a 1.9 GPA from Sparkplugs University.
Our cafeteria staff will call you gorgeous even if you choose to externalize inner sadness with muffins.
Some Of Our Key Staff:

Margaret Heyberry founded F Stands For Future, a grass-roots group which successfully removed grading from schools because of its tendency to hurt feelings and make kids feel uncomfortable. Thanks to her achievements, all K-12 students nationwide pass with flying colors and get a giraffe sticker.
Paula Abdul could find something nice to say about Hitler. “You tried real hard, good for you!” she’d say, “You have the spirit it takes to succeed and I love you for it!”
Brendan LaPierre was one of the first young adults to attend Camp Falsehopes, and he liked it so much he stayed for good! He is working on his fifteenth novel and expects it to be published as soon as he finds an agent who recognizes his genius.
Duncan Lynde coaches our baseball team. Everyone who returns to the dugout receives a victory hug regardless of their on-field performance. He eliminated humiliating “shirts vs. skins” competitions and now everyone wears a flattering olive poncho.
Victoria Shoutingwolf is an angry Native American and everything she writes is great and meaningful as a result.
James Blunt performs his hit song “You’re Beautiful” constantly, only stopping for bathroom breaks and yogurt.
Camp Falsehopes has dramatically changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of American teens, why not yours?

Camp Falsehopes is not responsible for anything that happens off camp grounds.

“Berklee School of Music is great, but you need to weigh their price tag with the fact you’ll never sell more than 43 albums.”
“I’d be happy to put a word in for you, but I really should save my Dartmouth connections for someone who won’t wind up in prison.”
“Do you really want to go to a school where you’ll eventually be known as Tag-Team Sally?”
“The Tower signifies your acceptance into Cornell. The Ten of Cups signifies a frat beer blast. And Death signifies your low tolerance.”
“I don’t want to discourage you, but I see the face of someone not passing the Bar – and they have your glasses.”
“I think you’ll find the Peace Corps is the experience of a lifetime. Especially when the natives accuse you of witchcraft.”
“If we throw this application in the trash now, we save the expense of having Yale do it.”
“All I’m saying is med school is a lot of time and money to spend on a career that comes to an ugly end in June, 2012.”
“If your heart says ‘musical theatre’ then I say Emerson. But your dead grandpa says pansy.”

Hi, it’s my first podcast, so I hope it comes out well. I have a great microphone and about two hours left on my laptop. And I’m locked in the trunk of a car, so if you hear me, please come help me.
Anyway, the topic of my first podcast is the new Xbox 360, which I’m really excited about. I’m just a little distracted at the moment, because it’s very dark except for the glow of my PowerBook. I’m locked in a trunk and the air is very heavy. But the Xbox 360 looks absolutely great, it’s got a gorgeous design which I can’t really appreciate as I’m locked in a trunk. But it’s great, and you can stand it up on its end or have it lying flat, like I am doing since I was clubbed by a guy in a clown mask and thrown in the trunk.
Xbox wisely had a good selection of games available for the 360, something they failed to offer with the launch of the original Xbox. It’s hot in here. If you remember, they came out with the original Xbox and there were only a handful of games available, while PlayStation had tons. Please. I know I’ve made some mistakes, notably sleeping with Kemara, and if that’s the reason I’m in the trunk, I understand fully. Lesson learned. Just please get me out of the trunk. The fact of the matter is Kemara is not a good match for you, and I’m sorry you had to find out this way. It wasn’t personal, it just happened. I didn’t plan anything, but you obviously planned on putting me in the trunk. Get me out of here and I won’t tell the police.
So, the Xbox 360 has a 500 Mhz ATI graphics processor which really gives it the ability to bring games to life. That and the fact that it’s optimized for HDTV means that with the right set-up, you’re in the middle of the action. Please help me. From Ridge Racer to Test Drive to Quake, the graphics are absolutely stunning. Is anyone there? Carl?
The 360 has a 3-core CPU, and each core runs at 3.2 GHz. That gives you blazing speeds, so you can say goodbye to load screens and lag. So stuffy in here. The wireless controller lets you say goodbye to being “tied down” with wires which I realize is why I can’t move my legs. My legs are tied. Why not my hands? I’m just going to pound the trunk a sec. Anybody there?
The wireless controller works 30 feet from the console, which is great of course. I just feel so claustrophobic in here. This isn’t funny. I don’t know if it was Carl in the clown mask. It all happened very quickly. Please help me. I think there’s no air in here. It’s running out, I’m sure. Wireless controller.
One of the real – help. Help. One of the real great features, of course, is Xbox Live – the multiplayer community that lets you really connect with other Xbox players. Anybody? There are several advancements and I’m so tired. I’m sure it was Carl. I’m falling asleep. I could be dying. Please open the trunk! If you like this podcast, check out my Xbox fansite for more. Oh my God the car is starting.

JANUARY
How Jesus Makes Rainbows
Kansas Board of Education
FEBRUARY
Self-Published Ramblings of a Semi-Literate Recovering Alcoholic Who Praised His Own Book on Amazon
Edmund R.J. Phelps
MARCH
May I Fondle That For You?
James Lipton
APRIL
Rich Dad/Poor Dad’s Guide To Just Making Theories Up
Robert T. Kiyosaki
MAY
Barbra Streisand’s Angriest Faxes
F. Mellet
JUNE
Another Book with Questing Elves In It
David P. Morrison
JULY
The Seven Habits of the Five Highly Effective People You Meet In Heaven
Stephen Albom
AUGUST
Chopstick Better
Hu Lin Pang
SEPTEMBER
Trump: Trump On Trump
Donald Trump
OCTOBER
Consumer Reports Rates Bear Repellants
Various
NOVEMBER
The Truth About Santa
Michael Moore
DECEMBER
The Idiot’s Guide To Books For Dummies
Various

Episode One: The unit works to snare a Brooklyn Mafia boss who has a mattress that makes him wheeze.
Episode Two: A single fingerprint leads Detectives Melsky and Duffert to a counterfeiter with four cats.
Episode Three: It’s a race against the clock as a dangerous arsonist aggravates Mrs. Peel’s asthma.
Episode Four: Detective Haggart refuses to open a 30-year old cold case because the envelope is dusty.
Episode Five: The detectives shut down a Manhattan escort service using animal dander.
Episode Six: A key witness to a brutal gangland slaying is interrogated with too much perfume.
Episode Seven: An undercover cop infiltrates a murderous drug gang only to be offered a hazelnut.
Episode Eight: Three days before he’s set to retire, Detective Williams suffers a rash. (With Terrence Trent D’Arby as a self-sabotaging dandy)
Episode Nine: Headquarters is turned upside-down as Internal Affairs investigates reports of widespread lactose intolerance.
Episode Ten: Detective Melsky separates from his wife and must come to terms with the fact his deodorant burns his armpits.
Episode Eleven: A kidnapped priest is absolutely miserable with all the pollen.
Episode Twelve: After Detective Haggart’s partner is killed on duty, the unit struggles to discover when the HEPA filter was last changed.