Unappeasable al Qaeda

“…after arriving at the store to claim in Allah’s name what had rightfully been reserved over the phone, (a DVD copy of “Big Night” with Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci) we were told it had been accidentally rented for the evening. This outrage will not go unanswered, and we will bathe your video rental store in blood, for you are pigs and monkeys.”
“…was undercooked. Add to this the insult of waiting nearly 30 minutes for Key Lime Pie, and there should be no doubt as to why we have begun martyrdom operations against your restaurant.”
“To suggest that it was mere coincidence that my iPod stopped working only three days after the warranty expired is an unjust and vile lie. Until it is repaired or replaced, there will be no peace. We declare jihad against those who attempt to force upon us the additional cost of an AppleCare Warranty.”
“That women of such base character and morals should be allowed to perform their mischievous acts on television for the masses is a direct assault on the values taught to us by our Prophet Muhammad. Unless you remove this evil taint from our eyes at once, in Almighty God’s name we shall strike down the signal of every cable affiliate, stone the remotes, and smother any television that bears your channel.”
“…cease immediately the practice of charging my account for multiple ATM transactions, or feel the sword of vengeance upon you, your Zionist tellers, and customer service Crusaders.”
“Furthermore, we have noticed no discernable vibrancy in our colors, despite your claims. Your serpent tongue deceives us no more. Know that you have stoked the anger in our hearts and upon completion of the dry cycle (34 min.) you shall reap terrible rewards for your insolence and misleading advertising.”
“To not honor a request for an autographed photo is an insult which must not go unanswered, lest we shame ourselves before Almighty God, and this can not be considered. We shall therefore make ourselves ready and unleash a storm of jihad upon you. We demand you return our self-addressed stamped envelope at once.”
“We celebrate the end of this oppressive and unjust two-year contract. For too long we have suffered under the yoke of your inadequate coverage in the metropolitan area. Allah be praised, the power is now in our hands. Our holy warriors will be switching to Verizon.”

Us Weekly’s al-Sadr Coverage

With preggos Gwyneth and Courtney Cox due soon and Heidi Klum knocked up by disinterested 50-something Italian playboy Flavio Briatore, we thought we had a full plate when it came to hot summer news… but boy were we wrong! It looks like there’s a new star on the horizon, and not since the demise of Bennifer has the Us Weekly foreign desk been so abuzz with activity!
Speaking of buzz… the Us Buzz-O-Meter has nearly shorted out thrice due to the constant chorus of readers shouting “Tell us more about Muqtada al-Sadr! Tell us more!”
Well, you know we keep no secrets, so here’s the dish on this Shia shining star!
Usher may be the new Michael Jackson, but when it comes to bad boy antics, hottie Russell Crowe will have to take a back seat to the homicidal-frenzy-inspiring new kid on the block, Muqtada al-Sadr. Even notorious naughty-girl Shannen Doherty would have her hands full with this fiery heartthrob. We’re willing to bet our Uggs she’d be sweltering under a burqua before you could say Sharia.
So, just who is this mob-motivating up-and-coming celeb?
Well, just like Charlie Sheen, Muqtada got a little career push with the help of his well-known dad, Muhammad Sadiq Sadr, a vocal Shia cleric. Mr. Sadr had a Janet Jackson-sized desire for publicity, but that didn’t mesh with Iraq biggie Saddam Hussein, who had him killed faster than Gothika went to DVD. Talk about a celebrity catfight! Muqtada’s dad played with fire and lost, a decision worse than Apprentice Kwame’s idea to invite Omarosa back.
This son-of-a-gun laid low for a while until recluse Hussein split the scene, a la Billy Bob Thorton. But if Travolta can come back, anyone can come back, and now al Sadr’s on the scene with a vengeance not seen since the Tupac-Biggie wars. This is one Fight Club that even superstar Brad Pitt might not want to join!
Fashion police! The black turban al-Sadr wears has a special religious significance, and a lot of folks in his biz are madder than mad, claiming he doesn’t have the authority to wear it. Just imagine if Passion-ate Aussie Mel Gibson declared himself a Bishop and started issuing fatwas! It’s that kooky!
According to our sources in Sadr City (named after al-Sadr’s bigwig, dead dad) the brunt of his fan base is uneducated, armed to the teeth, and always up for a fight… so if you’re thinking P. Diddy’s entourage – so are we!
Still, al-Sadr is no J.Lo – insiders say he has a long way to go before he’s an A-lister, though he might be able to Paris Hilton his way into a party here and there on name alone. To the brunt of the Iraqi population he’s a wanna-be Cruise, but even more reckless than comedian Andy Dick. Not only that, but there’s a “capture-or-kill” policy on him that even Tommy Lee Jones would run away from!

Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage

Dear Retailer:
Hello! We wish to introduce to you Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage and ask if you will consider carrying it in your establishment, for it is delicious.
Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage is created with a special clandestine recipe, and upon drinking delivers a sensation to the body not unlike the massaging fingers of 72 hot and sexy virgins.
As Allah is my witness, many who enjoy Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage express their feelings in a positive manner. The men shout with glee from underneath their ski masks, and without question there is much ululating from underneath the coverings of the females. Though terrifying-sounding, ululating is actually a sound of joy. The joy of quenching your thirst with Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage is like having a martyred son, but with more citrus flavor.
Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage comes with a full support package for our retailers. In return for eye-level shelf space, we offer excellent discounts on pallets of our product. In addition, we offer in-store point-of-purchase displays, vinyl banners, and we will put your competitors to death.
Our new summer iTunes bottlecap promotion is gearing up, and we will offer over 1,000,000 lucky customers the chance to download As Allah Is My Witness I shall Slay the Infidels and Bring Them to Bow Before Me for free.
For our restaurateur friends, Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage offers quantity discounts, not to mention promotional events such as the Alcohol is the Devil’s Lubricant Worldwide Toast which takes place every March 17th. Those restaurants which carry our delicious, sanctified beverage also receive free logo glassware, ashtrays, and neon window signs. All restaurants receive festive portraits of frowning mullahs with which one may pressure guests into ordering Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage.
We look forward to you working with us to make Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage the most popular beverage in the world, far out-selling the Coca Cola bile-water which the accursed infidel Americans force down our throats.
We hope we can work together soon. We must insist that you contact us quickly, as we have your cousin.
Ayman Qutaybah
Regional Sales Director
Hamas’s Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage

Transcript of Bin Laden’s 9/11 Testimony

[Mr. bin Laden sworn in]
KEAN: Thank you for coming, Mister bin Laden.
UBL: Thank you for having me.
KEAN: Mister bin Laden, as we understand it, you were really not much of a factor in the 2000 U.S. Presidential election. To the best of my knowledge neither you nor your shadowy, demonic organization had received much attention from either the Bush campaign nor the Gore campaign. You were not a “number-one priority” in any case.
UBL: That is correct. Lots of talking about the environment and missile defense and economy, but no talking about me. I was starting to wonder who I had to kill to get noticed in this town.
HAMILTON: The October 2000 bombing of the U.S.S. Cole got you some recognition.
UBL: It did, yes. A little. But again, hello, you’re only as good as your last film, so to speak, and no one was watching mine. Only 17 dead! I’ve been to weddings where more than 17 died when we fired our AK-47s in the air. I was hoping for more tit-for-tat exchanges. I was titting, but there was no tatting – except maybe when Clinton had a good reason to tat, because of the thing with the fat girl and the shady land deal.
LEHMAN: Did you sense that the incoming Bush administration was going to take a greater interest in you?
UBL: I hoped. I thought that with Richard Clarke my stock might go up somewhat. I realize the Great Satan has many things on its plate but I was really starting to get cross. I felt I had paid my dues many times over and the best I could get was a cameo on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. It was very disheartening. It seemed that Mister Clarke might recognize my talent and introduce me to the right people.
KEAN: And did he?
UBL: I don’t know if he was making much progress. A donkey courier once told me the rumor was they were taking me a little more seriously, but I was still a C-list celebrity. Swatting at flies? I’m 6′ 5″ for Allah’s sake. They treated me like an annoying terrier with the yipping and nipping. This is insulting, really, seeing as this has been my life’s work, not to mention I’m on Team Allah.
BEN-VENISTE: Were you aware of any plans to “bring you to justice?”
UBL: That would have been a hard sell, pre 9/11. It would be like explaining that Sofia Coppola was qualified to direct a major feature. People would have said to Bush the Demon “What the hell are you doing?” The American infidel public would not have understood. Now, of course, the majority of them would rip my eyes from my sockets and dance on my spleen. Times change.
KERREY: I’ll be blunt. Do you think the September 11 attacks could have been prevented?
UBL: Of course not. It was Allah’s will. When Allah says to go forth and murder thousands of unsuspecting, innocent, civilian men and women, that’s what Allah gets, because He is great and all that. The plan was the plan, and we had Allah’s blessing. At one point [Mohammed] Atta called me with a new plan to plant himself amongst the infidels of the Lambda Bath House in San Francisco. Atta said he had a new idea, and he’d assimilate into that community for several years, and was even ready to live with a hairless guy named Milo in a one-bedroom apartment with a Pekingese. I told him no, because that’s not what Allah wanted. He was a little whiny, but eventually he dropped it.
BEN-VENISTE: So, beyond any doubt, you don’t think this could have been prevented?
UBL: Could the Affirmative Oscars of 2002 have been prevented… with Halle Berry and the ridiculous cut-away to Sidney Poitier? Could Pearl Harbor have been prevented? Clay Aiken? No. Allah’s will can not be prevented. When He says “jump” you say “how high, and with how many pounds of ammonium nitrate?”
ROEMER: So, you’re telling us here, under oath, that there was no silver bullet?
UBL: Is this because of the beard? Is it that unruly?

FAQ: Why Israel Killed the Lord of The Rings Guy


Q: Today, Israel assassinated Saruman The White, played by Christopher Lee. Why did they do that?
A: Saruman the White was the “spiritual advisor” to Hamas, which is considered a terrorist organization by practically everyone in Middle Earth, except maybe Reuters News Agency and Grima Wormtongue.

Q: What is a “spiritual advisor”?
A: A “spiritual advisor” will often “advise” impressionable Nazgul to become “spirits” by strapping and later detonating explosive t-shirts. This is done by suggesting that militants who die serving Mordor are martyrs and therefore entitled to 72 virgins, or “raisins” depending on how you interpret Sauron’s Koran.

Q: What is Hamas?
A: Hamas is one of Middle Earth’s leading exporters of explosive t-shirts to Israel and Rodan, Land of Men.

Q: What is Saruman’s background?
A: Like Gandalf, Saruman was a powerful wizard. But, he was tempted by the evil Sauron of Mordor and a tremendous misinterpretation of the Koran. He went from being Chief of the Istari, a powerful group of wise men that included Gandalf, and instead hooked up with the orcs at Hamas.

Q: What made Saruman turn towards the evil of Sauron?
A: Saruman was corrupted by the Rings of Power and became obsessed with a Palestinian state “from river to sea” which would not have left a lot of room for the Israel part.
When Gandalf presented him with a chance to destroy the One Ring in Mount Doom, Saruman instead imprisoned Gandalf at Isengard and then rejected the Oslo Peace Accords.

Q: What happens to Hamas now that Saruman is gone?
A: Saruman was a powerful dark wizard, and prior to being dispatched he created an army of evil creatures bent on seizing the One Ring, Gondor and the West Bank. He also did a swell job corrupting King Theoden and possibly France.
No doubt, these forces will be allied with Sauron, and will likely try and make Temple Mount into Mount Doom, as armies of evil creatures are wont to do.

Q: Will this inflame the Arab street?
A: Yes, though seemingly everything inflames the Arab street including hobbits, daisies, wind speed changes, elves, infidels, garden gnomes and the 1981 Osirak nuclear power plant raid.
The only known non-inflaming events are the Twin Towers falling, the death of Boromir, and the Shuttle Columbia disaster.

Q: What can we expect now?
A: With Saruman gone, the Palestinians have lost a valuable dark wizard. The orcs of Hamas can be expected to whip themselves up into a bit more of a frenzy than usual. No doubt, Middle Earth can expect a little bit of chaos as Sauron attempts to cover the world in shadows.
Fortunately, even if they drag on a bit, these stories always have happy endings.

Book Your Flight to 1232 AD


This was on the Saudi Arabia tourism site until two days ago. It has subsequently changed to something less controversial, primarily because it was pointed out in grand fashion by the folks at OpinionJournal. The Saudi site now claims in micro-type that they have removed the “erroneous” information, which is what you see above. They were hoping to pretend it didn’t exist, but they’ve fallen victims of internet-caching. Oops!
The Saudi PR machine has been working overtime to convince us that they’re not awful, and would absolutely love us to forget that 15 out of 19 of the September 11 hijackers were Saudis, as is Public Enemy #1: the rather insane, fatwa-issuing crooner, bin Laden.
Like Darth Vader wearing a Have A Nice Day pin, the House of Saud is having a heck of a time convincing us that they’re swell folks. Evil always seems to bite the hand that foments it. They’re so rotten to the core, they didn’t even notice their tourism website had a No Jews and Lock Up The Ladies clause.
Drunks I can understand, even Southwest Airlines has that policy.
Resistance to this corrupt and awful country is growing. Good. Recently, talent agents in New York were calling actors to advise them that there was an audition for a pro-Saudi commercial and that it was totally fine if they did not want to do it. When an agent is telling you it’s okay to pass up work, something must be terribly. terribly wrong.

Choosing The Reich Hitler

This shouldn’t have to be said, but just because you don’t like someone doesn’t make them Hitler.
For a half-century it has been extremely difficult to qualify as a Hitler, and rightly so. One could even argue that there has been only one Hitler in all that time, though Joseph Stalin did a commendable job, and were you to call him Hitler there are very few folks likely to argue. Idi Amin, Pol Pot and Mao all gave it their best; while many had Hitler-esque qualities, they ultimately fell short of the standards set by the original Hitler. Even if they were to be considered Hitlers, their inclusion would be much more warranted than that of a temperamental news anchor or Senator from New York. Saddam Hussein is certainly a rotten apple; but he’s no Hitler, especially after being plucked from the ground in such an un-climactic, pathetic way.
It’s unfortunate that the Hitler bar has been lowered so much. Certainly it does a disservice to everyone when the original Hitler’s nefarious behavior is equated to laying off 3000 employees.
Lest we forget: Hitler was not hated for assigning too much homework, making you come to the office on weekends, or acquiring obscene wealth in the computer business. As abusive as an NFL football coach can be, there is no amount of meanness they could dole out that would make them a Hitler. Outrageously awful film directors, despots and religious zealots living in caves are all bad, but not Hitlers. As a former vegan/animal rights freak myself, I empathize with you PETA lunatics. That said, even Frank Purdue’s complicity in the death of billions of juicy, delicious chickens does not make him Hitler. Ironically, Hitler was a vegetarian; not sure if it was for health reasons or because he loved animals more than pretty much anything else.
I don’t like Yasser Arafat too much. He’s evil, a cancer on civilized society, and a miserable Arab who may like Hitler’s business model, but that doesn’t make Arafat a Hitler.
From the ‘Stop [swastika] Bush’ and the ‘Bush = Nazi’ graffiti in the neighborhood to the ‘Bush is Hitler!’ advertisements from the bright bulbs at moveon.org, it seems that some folks – especially those equipped with markers and Final Cut Pro – need to be reminded that not liking someone does not automatically make that person Hitler.
This is probably how it happens: someone is vehemently anti-Bush; they don’t feel words like ‘loser’ or ‘jerk’ are strong enough to express their sentiments, and they don’t know other words. Like Martin Sheen, they’re over-emotional, lack the capacity to reason and don’t have a thesaurus handy. From their simmering anger comes forth the name-turned-adjective that embodies how horribly evil they think the individual they hate is. So, without applying too much thought to the whole equation, their nemesis becomes Hitler, one of the darkest, most evil genocidal menaces the world has ever faced. Then they cap the marker and run off to a rally.
As a result of the free-association of Hitler with everything negative, no matter how trivial, there has been a glossing-over of the real reasons why Hitler is one of history’s all-time Very Bad Men, if not the Most Bad. This is not good. Hitler earned his Ultimate Evildoer rating, and deserves to retain that status undiluted by any warped affirmative-action program that seeks to include a coterie of inconsequential wannabes. Hitler is a Hitler because he was Hitler.
In the future, it is recommended that prior to classifying an individual as Hitler, one consults the following checklist. If you can answer Yes to all the following questions, you are dealing with a Hitler and can feel free to label him as such:
-Does the person I am about to equate to Hitler wield power as a supreme leader?
-Does the person I am about to equate to Hitler harbor a strangely deep-seated but never quite explained hatred of a race, religion, or group of people not his own?
-Does the person I am about to equate to Hitler suggest that all society’s ills can be corrected by the wholesale murder of any and all enemies of the state as determined by him?
-Has the person I am about to equate to Hitler created an apparatus of extermination?
-Does the person I am about to equate to Hitler have an aggressive salute?
-Does the person I am about to equate to Hitler love Charlie Chaplin films to the point where he has adopted his moustache?
-Would the person I am about to equate to Hitler think it’s a good idea to get married and then spend his honeymoon shooting himself in the head before being cremated in a ditch?
As you can see, even Stalin, the closest non-Hitler to Hitler, falls short of meeting all the criteria to be labeled a Hitler. Stalin did not have an aggressive salute, killed mostly his own people, and died peacefully. Not to mention his moustache was more Magnum P.I. than Chaplin.
Let’s hope that this helps clear up the Hitler qualification standards and return the bastard to his rightful place: a little short of Satan, but well above Jesse Helms, Barbra Streisand and Simon Cowell.
Please, choose your Hitlers wisely.

With Parties, Three’s A Crowd

As the 2004 Election Season kicks into full gear, I can sit back and relax with the confidence of knowing my candidate will not be winning; not a chance in hell.
This takes a lot of pressure off of me this year; allows me to focus on other things. Even if my candidate were to be acknowledged and invited to a debate, his performance wouldn’t really matter. If he did a bad job, he’d remain in relative obscurity. If he did a good job, he might be less obscure, but still people would prefer to vote for the lesser of two evils.
That was the catch-phrase of the 2000 election. No one seemed to be too particularly thrilled with either Bush or Gore. The only enthusiastic voters I saw were on television in cheering crowds, somewhere else. The people I knew in real life, Democrat and Republican, all had the same shrug-of-the-shoulders response: Eh’ [my candidate] sucks, but I like him better than [the other candidate].

Continue reading…

In Pursuit of Victimhood


It’s been a long time since I shouted at a 60 Minutes segment as much as I did last night. Their report on Abercrombie & Fitch was worthy of it though. Fortunately, with the miracle of TiVo you can shout at your TV then go back in time and watch what you cursed over as if it never happened in the first place.
The segment touched on Abercrombie & Fitch’s complicity in the whorification of America. Just like Britney and Christina have opted to sell albums using their pubic region, Abercrombie & Fitch has decided to sell pants using unclothed, apparently unparented adolescents lounging about in streams, fingering one another. It’s about as classy as Larry Flynt in a tuxedo.
That the company has made the decision to take their good name and significant history and tarnish it pandering to horny teens and pedophiles is a shame. It would be just as unfortunate if Tiffany & Co. decided to sell sterling dildos and dress the staff like Courtney Love. But, base marketing and name-tarnishing was not what the segment was about.
What was being called into question was how they hire people to sell their clothes. In particular, how they seem to prefer using pretty people to execute their All American Boy & Girl marketing plan. Another trauma some feel worthy of a class action suit. Amidst much boo-hoo-hoo-ing and quotes in the neighborhood of ‘This is not what America is about,’ the aggrieved parties, who were allegedly judged not pretty enough or not ‘All American’ enough by the retailer, want to force their accommodation. Sadly, that is what America is about. A few minutes perusing overlawyered.com will remove any doubts.
There is no reason Abercrombie should be obliged to change their policies (dubbed ‘lookism’) to accommodate people who don’t fit in their plan any more than racially polarized networks like UPN should be forced to have more Asian-themed shows. FUBU is a black clothing line, and as such there should not be controversy over the lack of Cherokee Indians on the payroll. It’s doubtful Katz’s Deli has a wealth of Pentecostal Christians in the management hierarchy.
Individual companies pursuing their own business plans with their own idea of what is good for their business should be, and were for a long time, left alone. One could spend a lifetime pitching shows to Lifetime, but we all know full well that unless it’s about an abused woman gathering the strength to fight back, the execs won’t be interested. What’s disturbing is how easily you could find a lawyer willing to sue them for discriminating against Battlebots.
Litigation has taken the place of common sense. Once you could have suggested seven foot tall guys were among the better basketball players. Now you run the risk of being called heightist by the vertically challenged. Even worse, if you were a four foot tall blind kid with a club foot who wanted to play on the varsity team, there are lawyers who would take your call. For some legal professionals, no cross is too cumbersome to bear.
There is a wonderful story of a businessman denied membership at a posh golf club because he was Jewish. He did not launch a class action on behalf of chosen people not being chosen. Instead, he raised a ton of money and opened a club across the street. Touche. That is what America should be about. Instead, it’s about ludicrous organizations like the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance demanding free airplane seats and wholesale accommodation of gluttony.
Trial lawyers, scourge of many things decent, have fought long and hard to grant us the Freedom To Litigate Everything That Bothers Us. They’ve created such a sense of entitlement that everyone is undoubtedly a victim of something. We’ve all been wronged. It’s why I’m not what Abercrombie is looking for has turned in to I had better be what Abercrombie is looking for.
When a telemarketer who lacked several teeth was laid off because people could not understand what he was saying he didn’t look for a new job, he looked for a lawyer. People no longer play the cards they’re dealt. They instead ask that the cards be reshuffled and re-dealt. If that doesn’t work out, they ask for a new deck. If that doesn’t work, they sue the casino. Alarm bells should have sounded when illegal immigrants started suing for the right to drive. How far is too far? Can someone let the rest of us know?
It’s high time the trial lawyers suffered some setbacks to their unabashed greed and cynical shortsightedness so that we can all go back to the Freedom To Deal With It. Just because some of us lost our moms doesn’t mean we should strike Mother’s Day from the calendar.
We have the freedom to do many things, but forcing others to accommodate what some of us perceive as wrong is not one of them. With alarming frequency and diminishing irony Americans invoke what they feel to be their freedoms, rights and entitlements in an effort to deny the same to others.
From private golf clubs that only want male members to clothing stores that only want a certain look, perhaps it’s time to realize that not everything is a battle that needs to be fought, much less won. I know that as a man I will never wait tables at Hooters. I know I’m too tall to be an astronaut. I know that I can not walk in to Nobu and be seated immediately because I’m not famous. Most of us know these things are not cause for grief, much less litigation, no matter how many lawyers are cheering us on. Perhaps we should tell the others.

Real Guerilla Marketing

This ad for fracturedatlas.org has been appearing for some time in Backstage the newspaper for actors (and by proxy, waiters and dog walkers). I’m not sure what to make of this. A communist guerilla says that artists deserve health insurance? What’s next, Mao demanding artists get car insurance? Perhaps Stalin wants artists to have discounted dry cleaning? What would Kim Jong Il propose? Maybe subsidized theatre tickets for the people.
Che is not on the same level as Stalin, Mao, and Kim, mind you. He didn’t get a chance to kill millions before he was dispatched by Bolivians, but he did have a hand in the death of plenty of folks. He was a jungle-dwelling communist rebel and comrade of Fidel Castro, for God’s sake. He ordered the lock-up and execution of “deviants” and “anti-revolutionaries.” He’s no John F. Kennedy.
Speaking of: Che was in favor of the Cuban missile crisis escalating to nuclear war. The dashing revolutionary icon thought a better world could be created in the aftermath. Presumably he’d suggest that not only artists deserve health insurance, but all folks suffering from fallout radiation and third-degree burns.
Here’s a cute quote: “Blind hate against the enemy creates a forceful impulse that cracks the boundaries of natural human limitations, transforming the soldier in an effective, selective and cold killing machine. A people without hate cannot triumph against the adversary.”
Who said that? Bin Laden? Hamas? Hitler? Nope. The cute, cuddly, face-on-a-t-shirt guy.
Perhaps the ad agency that chose spokesmodel Che is the same one currently at work trying to convince us how great the Saudis are.

SWF Seeks Oblivious WM

Monica Lewinsky is learning the hard way (pun intended) that going down on Heads of State can be hazardous to your dating life. Though she’s managed to parlay her Oral Office experience into a line of handbags and a stint as a reality TV show host, she tells Reuters that guys are still intimidated by her past.
Cue the violins.
Perhaps intimidated isn’t the right word. I’d say turned off would be a better choice for what a gentleman might experience when watching his dinner date put food where William Jefferson Clinton’s Jefferson was.
I imagine it doesn’t help that she’s overweight and by seemingly not too bright, but those are things many people can overcome – as evidenced by Oprah Winfrey and Paris Hilton, respectively. But the cigar thing? That’s a deal killer whether or not you read all the grisly details in the Starr Report.
Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy managed to bounce back from their dilemmas. As did Clinton. The problem is they had achievements before their infamous sexual mischief. Monica’s achievement is her infamous sexual mischief.
She will always be the girl with the blue dress. Perhaps that’s why finding a Mr. Right to love her for who she is has been so hard to come by.

America, The Accommodating

I noticed this yesterday while voting.
While I think it’s important for folks to get out and vote, I think it’s even more important that those folks know what they’re voting on. In order for them to do that, they need to be able to read the proposals, understand the issues and further study them via the news and public debate.
Luring people to the polls using Spanish, Chinese and Korean is suspect. If you don’t know what ‘Vote Here’ means in English, you can not be expected to understand the finer points of ballot proposals such as ‘Question 2: Elimination of Small City School Districts from Constitutional Debt Limitations.’
One could argue the inclusion of Spanish ‘ the voting guides, and polling places accommodate Spanish. Indeed, the poll worker who searched for my name in the voting register wore a sticker that said ‘I Speak Spanish.’ It should have said ‘I Only Speak Spanish’ because she was unable to understand, or spell, my name. When I originally told her she began looking under ‘R.’ When I told her it was ‘Brian’ not ‘Ryan’ she started looking under ‘B.’ When I told her the list was alphabetical by last name she started to look under ‘C.’ I had to spell my name for her several times before she started looking, correctly, under ‘S.’
This is a by-product of the whole ‘diversity’ parade. I’d love to know when and how the idea came to pass. It’s obvious we’re over-accommodating everyone to the point where even our legislative and electoral system caters to people who don’t speak the language of the land. I can’t help but think that’s not bueno. Under the guise of providing directional assistance to non-English speakers, what has actually been achieved is linguistic gerrymandering.
Perhaps that explains how the socialists won a seat on the Brooklyn City Council.