*Greatest Hits*

Profiles: The Guy Who Wrote “Tiny House”

Introducing “Profiles”, wherein we ask several questions of people we believe to have a well-developed sense of humor.
Our first interviewee: Joe Lawson, the writer behind GEICO’s reality show spoof Tiny House. Joe left the dark side of advertising agency account service in order to pursue his dream of being on the creative side. He works for the Martin Agency, a not unsmall agency in Virginia.


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“The marriage was built to last, but the house was built too small.”

The first time people see the TV spot for Tiny House they go through a series of emotions – shock, disbelief, anger, denial and finally, relief – after they realize that they’ve been had by yet another ad for GEICO.
Tiny House was recently praised in Slate as “one of the best ads on TV.” If you’ve had the television on for any period of time, you’ve probably seen it, and you’d probably agree.
Banterist: A lot of advertising people would kill to have something like Tiny House on their resume, yet they’re stuck with a portfolio of chicken flop for DayQuil and Monistat. Do you feel differently around those people when at big industry functions?
Joe: The most important thing is to avoid big industry functions. That way you’re not reminded of the transitory nature of goodness in advertising. Every once in a while, if you are lucky, you catch the tail of an opportunity and put something on TV that doesn’t annoy people, but most of the time 99% of us are producing crap.
Now that you’re an accomplished parodist, you’re in a position to introduce yourself to other accomplished parodists such as Weird Al Yankovic. Assuming you were forced to approach him, how would you introduce yourself?
Hi! I like your flip-flops! You are funny! (That’s how my two year-old daughter introduces herself to everyone and it works out great.)
A recent SLATE article by Seth Stevenson called Tiny House “the best ad on television.” Can you think of three situations where you might be inclined to play the “I wrote the best ad on television!” card?
“Look, we know the land was promised to you by God, but I wrote the best ad on television and I’m telling you, you have to take that shit back to Israel.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you write the best ad on television? Or was it me? That’s right. I wrote the best ad on television and I say we stay here until the Iraqi citizens can hold their own against the insurgency.”
“Am I the one who chose to live in Africa? No. I chose to write the best ad on television. Maybe when you write the best ad on television you can have steak, too.”
Likewise, having written the best ad on television must have piqued the interest of other agencies in acquiring you. Have you noticed your bosses following you to lunch or asking who you’re on the phone with?
Not at all. Advertising writers are becoming a commodity. If I left, another one would simply pop up in my place.
In my experience, every advertising copywriter is a frustrated screenwriter. Can you give me the log-line of the unfinished screenplay that’s undoubtedly on your desktop?
Actually, at the moment, it’s a short story about tiny Vikings.
Speaking of, Tiny House has undoubtedly motivated an aspiring-screenwriter to detour into advertising for a while. Do you have any advice for him or her?
“You’re going the wrong way.”
While at Nobu not long ago, I spotted Donald Trump and reality-show creator Mark Burnett dining. Should I have thanked them on your behalf or violently cursed at them on the world’s behalf?
Assuming you did neither, you did the right thing – you participated in your own life, something the average American has completely forgotten how to do. Burnett didn’t create unfulfilled lives, he just caters to the mass audience that has them.
Probably due to the preponderance of hacks in it, the advertising industry has been known to seize on a theme and do it to death. As soon as someone does handheld camera, everyone does handheld camera, as soon as someone does black & white with a touch of color, everyone does black & white with a touch of color. How many fake reality show ads do you expect to see in the next year?
If people want to take a stab at it, be my guest. I’m amazed Tiny House even ran. The networks were all over our asses about the fact that it looked so authentic. They were afraid the TV-viewing audience, you know, being dumb and all, would confuse it for actual programming, so we had trouble getting it through Legal. Obviously, that confusion was our intention, but the networks really, really care about the poor viewer, because, as you know, if someone confuses a commercial for actual programming then they…go up into the light. Just like in Logan’s Run.
There are many good creative types in the ad industry who are stifled by moronic clients. Is it hopeless for them, or is there some clever approach to get good spots past account executives named Vance?
The problem is, Vance isn’t smart enough or dumb enough. He’s right in the middle. If he were a fucking idiot, good spots would fill the airwaves. TV’s would be art museums. Problem is, Vance knows just enough to sniff out your hidden agenda. The only answer, and even this is low percentage, is tenacity. I presented Tiny House like eight times, never once changing it. You just keep presenting the stuff you want to do, the way you want to do it, and then one day you hopefully catch Vance off-guard because he had too much Smirnoff Ice the night before. Finally, if that doesn’t work, kill Vance. Seriously. Anyone who’s ever done anything half-decent in advertising has had to kill at least one guy. It’s standard practice.
I think if you are looking for creative fulfillment in advertising, you are on a slippery slope. You might find it for a while, but it won’t last. The longer you do it, the greater your tolerance becomes. Eventually you need a bigger and bigger creative fix to get the same buzz. My thinking is, if you’re going to invest that much time and thought and energy into trying to do something good, you should invest it in something you really care about, at least something you can call your own. Having said that, I’m sure there are people who really care about advertising and find it creatively fulfilling.
After watching ten minutes of Being Bobby Brown I was ready to join the Klan. Do you think that show is a simple abomination or a very clever stealth advertisement for racists?
Again, when I see shit like that, I don’t get mad at the network or the producers or the talent. I get mad at America. That show is not an abomination, it’s the American Dream. If keeping soldiers in Iraq allows me to get high as a kite and feed my dog lobster, then hell yes, I say we stay there as long as we can.
Following the London transit attacks, New York’s mayor implemented an ineffective, wholly cosmetic, knee-jerk subway bag search program that lacks a good tagline. Any ideas?
Just Open the Goddamn Bag.™
Look Mom No Bomb!™
Open the Bag or We Open Up Your Head. With Bullets. London-Style.™
Fuck You NYCLU.™
What one word do you think would enrage James Lipton?
Kwik.
Anything you’d like to add?
Thank you.

eBay: DKNY Men’s Leather Pants I Unfortunately Own

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You are bidding on a mistake.
We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of the wrong people.
And we buy leather pants.
I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.
The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.
Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.
I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:
I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.
These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.
Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.
They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown – perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate – I shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.
These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.
Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.
Please buy these leather pants.

Questions & Answers:

Q: Seen your ad on VBMX.com…..are you gay? LOL Just kidding!! I would claim these on VBMX!! Now all the guys are gonna think of you as a sissy!! LOL!!! Good luck bro!!
A: Thanks. That’s a lot of exclamation points.

Q: Hi, Sorry I don’t want the leather pants but just had to write and say I really had a good laugh at your description!! I really hope you sell them …. and not to a guy! Good luck! Jeannette
A: If you change your mind and want the pants, I’ll be waiting patiently by the keyboard.

Q: For Mr. VBMX: If he were gay, he would know what boot cut means. What does VBMX mean?
A: I’m not sure. It sounds like a missile.

Q:Well, it looks like you’re going to sell them. They’re too big for me anyway and I’m female. You’re a great writer — so natural, so funny. I think you should be in standup. Thank you so much for making my day.
A:Thank you for the kind words. In lieu of standup I post things on Banterist.com. The hours are better and there’s no drink minimum.

Q: Bsack, I’m an editor for Poor Mojo’s Almanac(k) (http:// www.poormojo.org), a weekly online magazine now entering its sixth year of publication. We’d like to run the text of your posting, with the image of the glorious pants, as a rant on our site. May we do so? Our submission guidlines can be found here: http://www.poormojo.org/submission.html (Long story short: we owe you a beer for one piece–provided you came to Ann Arbor or SF, CA to pick it up–or will reward you with a PMjA t-shirt after we’ve published 5 of your pieces.) Interested? Best, Dave . . . Editor and Technologist PMjA
A: Sure, if you don’t mind that it’s already on Banterist.com

Q: I am in a band, but do not wear leather pants. However, if I DID wear leather pants, your pants are the ones I would buy because your description is…eloquent and touching in a leatherish sort of way. May we post your ad on our site?
A: I think I answered this already, but eBay is asking it again for some reason. Thank you for being polite and seeking permission. Sure, you can post it. After all, I’m trying to sell pants.

Q: you enjoy stereotyping people that wear leather dont ya, you think owning leather is gay, let me tell you something i am not gay, i am not famous, dont ride a bike, and unlike i aint a coward. i do own 2 pairs of them, to me they are more comfy than blue jeans ever will be, i where them anywhere i want including church, no ones ever said nothing about them

A: More important: Do you need a pair of 34×34 leather pants?

Q: You express yourself exactly like my ex-fiancee. I had to check if you lived in Boulder, CO just to see if you were him. I really didn’t think anyone else had his matter of fact mixed with twisted humor personality. Ten years ago I was just ending our relationship so I was going thinking that possibly he bought these pants to try and woo a little waitress vixen with an IQ half that of her bust size. By the way, the last person that claimed that you were stereotyping, did you for some reason envision Dueling Banjos playing in the background with a man sporting a greased back mullet and a makeshift spittoon, and, of course, comfy leather pants, or was that just me?
A: Yes, the grammar and tone said ‘Deliverance’ but the leather pants in church said ‘Wham UK’. So I’m confused.

Q: I don’t actually need the pants… and they wouldn’t fit my less than womanly curves even if I could pull them off- but I could not resist telling you what a fabulous ad this is. While reason prevailed in the end, I was almost convinced to buy the pants if for no other reason than to see if I could be coy enough to get a man to wear them in hopes of a relationship with me… fabulous ad, just fabulous.
A: Sadly I lack the ability to sell people things they don’t need – unlike Ron Popeil and The Sharper Image.

Q: No question, just wanted to tell you this is the best listing i’ve ever read. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the short girl, but am so proud of you for never wearing these. :) Good luck with your sale!
A: Thank you. I’ll be free of them in less than two days, and at least $76 closer to owning a yacht.

Q: If they did still fit.. and I wasn’t married, would you wear them for me? LOL.. best of luck!
A: Yes, but only if I was wearing a pink tank top and re-enacting Billy Squier’s regrettable ‘Rock me tonight’ video.

Q: I would like to be tough, gay or a rock star. Do you think purchasing and subsequently donning these trousers will help?
A: Probably not if you call them ‘trousers.’ A true rockstar would say ‘pants’ or ‘duds’ or something more rock-star-y, like ‘ladykillers.’

Q: FUNNY!! I too have a pair of leather pants to sell and for very similar reasons. Mine also have severe case of closet shrinkage. Thanks for the laugh and happy selling. tom
A: Hmm. Maybe we know the same girl.

Q: Thank you for the inspiration. I am now thinking of ebaying every little thing….and I do mean little thing that I ever wore to be a man pleaser/enticer. That would have to include stiletto heels, leather bustiers, gstrings and the like…..hmmm, wait a minute….now that I think about it….I might have to bid on those pants and create an ensemble….for myself. Did I mention that I am 5’2?
A: Hello Senator Clinton.

Q: I just wanted to tell you that you made me laugh aloud! First, when my husband was in high school he apparently bought a white satin Michael Jacksonesque multi-zippered jacket from The Chess King under strikingly similar circumstances. I wonder if it is the same chick . . . Second, my husband and I recently hosted a white trash party, Trailerpalooza. We had been to a 38 Special concert and decided to knock off thier look. So we each bought pleather pants (though these beauties would have been perfect!) and I then sewed flame fabric to the bottoms, as if it was lapping up the legs. We also got leather jackets which we adorned with a bit of flame fabric. Well, somehow, I came out looking like a badass, but my poor husband looked like a homo. In fact someone actually said, -It’s amazing how pleather makes Shari look so bad, and Rick so gay.- I wish I had a picture on my computer, because I think it would make you laugh! Anyway, good luck with the sale of your magic pants!
A: When I was a busboy at El Torito I remember a waiter who saved up hundreds for a replica Michael Jackson ‘Beat It’ jacket. Zippers everywhere. At the time I thought he was a god. Now I think he’s probably buried in someone’s tomato garden.

Q: Are these pants worthy of cruising for transvestites while in my Maserati? I just got one and need an outfit that would go with my new car.
A: I think leather pants would accent that mid-life crisis quite nicely.

Q: Love the pants but . . . I wonder, how many thongs do you think could be made from them? Fruitcreek.
A: For Americans? 15. French? 45.

Q: LOL. I once knew a guy who actually wore leather pants, loved them, and was very popular with them. That was 15 years ago…he was Italian…and my uncle’s boyfriend. Enough said.
A: Italy shares France’s reputation for adultery, leather pants, and aggressiveness to women. Except for your uncle’s boyfriend, of course.

Q: I have a friend that emails these types of auctions to me for a good laugh and I must admit, yours is the best I have seen in a long time. Your wording and demeanor are perfect. If I had the cake to spend on something I would never wear right now, I would buy them just for the simple fact you made me laugh that hard. I wish you made commercials on TV so I wouldn’t be forced to channel surf when they came on. Kudos to you. Are all your descriptions this funny or is this a fluke? Your replies are excellent and this auction should be on Letterman or something. Good luck and thanks for the laugh.
A: I used to write commercials, but they’re hard to make funny because the people who make the final decisions are idiots. But maybe you’ll like Banterist.com or Sixtysecond.com

Q: I’m confused, is Donna Karan a rock star or a transvestite?
A: It’s a very fine line, really.

Addendum: My pants sold for $102.50 to a gentleman in Tallahassee, Florida. Why? I don’t know. It’s humid there. But the listing continues to attract folks, over 3 million so far. What happens when that many people see your listing? Read: The History of My Traveling Pants.

Bourne Prophecies

THE BOURNE DISCREPANCY
After discovering a bar tab with a martini he never ordered, Jason Bourne must track down the waiter and have his check re-issued. But first, he must try to find out why the Maitre d’ wants him dead.
THE BOURNE DISPARITY
After enemy operatives destroy his favorite John Mayer poster, a revenge-minded Jason Bourne wipes out the Bulgarian secret police and bitch-slaps an aspiring model.
THE BOURNE ASCENDANCY
When Jesus prods Jason Bourne with a magic thistle, the super-agent finds himself next in line for the Papacy. But he quickly learns he’s in danger when his Communion Wafer turns out to be a poisoned Dorito.
THE BOURNE MONOTONY
After infiltrating NASCAR, Jason Bourne takes the wheel of the Home Depot car and drives in a circle for two hours, twenty minutes.
THE BOURNE FRUGALITY
Though unable to save his new girlfriend from an assassin’s bullet, Jason Bourne can save $4.80 – but only if he gets to Walgreen’s before his coupons expire.
THE BOURNE JUDICIARY
When Jason Bourne finds himself nominated to the Supreme Court he must try to discover what his past court opinions were and why Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is trying to kill him.
THE BOURNE REDUNDANCY
When Jason Bourne is laid off by the CIA he’s soon employed by another shadowy government agency – and finds himself tasked with killing the recently laid off Jason Bourne.
THE BOURNE TAPESTRY
After knitting a marvelous Afghan, Jason Bourne is faced with entry into the International Guild of Yarn Artisans or destroying a global narcotics network.
THE BOURNE LIABILITY
After renting a car and declining the Collision Damage Waiver, Jason Bourne must drive very, very carefully through Malta when pursued by masked gunmen who want him dead.

The New York Regrettable Film Festival

SOMETHING TO TELL YOU (14 min)
An older woman enters a poorly lit apartment and trades lines with a younger woman who is inaudible.
THE KENYAN STORYTELLER (33 min)
In what is supposed to be Africa but is in fact Central Park in Autumn, a black woman in tiger makeup dances around for half an hour.
DEMONS AMONG US (49 min)
A drama seems to unfold as every single Final Cut Pro effect is used.
I AM SUCCESS FORCE! (55 min)
Japanese comedy ensues as Myoko delivers her grandmother’s famous dumplings to the wrong house, or something like that.
HIDE AND SEEK (31 min)
A young girl sits behind a rack of clothes while her mother goes in and out of focus.
HOMECOMING (67 min)
A young man returns to the scene of his sister’s murder, only to realize the writer didn’t really figure out where this was all going.
HIDDEN SECRETS (73 min)
An effeminate Marine enters the scene out of nowhere and arrests a terrorist with a water pistol.
THE HEART’S LAMENT (43 min)
Set in New York at the turn of the century, two women discuss life and love while the A/C turns on and off in the background.
ALL FOR EILEEN (38 min)
A love-struck attorney struggles to remember his lines.
DO US PART (40 min)
A man’s marriage collapses amidst camera hum and an intruding microphone.
DECEMBER’S FOLLY (89 min)
An overweight actor/director inserts a love scene so he can kiss an aspiring actress.
THE CONDEMNED (28 min)
A convict on death row reflects on his last hours from what appears to be a Lower East Side bathroom.

Tom Cruise for the Xbox

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Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

Dear Captain:
I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:
Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.
If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That’s because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you’re from Kentucky.
Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa’s face.
Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.
Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money – very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).
In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like “Look! A monkey!” and laugh. They wouldn’t know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn’t be in uniform.
Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild – double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.
In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we’ll get another monkey.
During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)
Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won’t miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.
Any time we see a criminal we’ll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.
A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear “Release the monkey!” You would shudder.
Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.
As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we’ll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.
A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.
Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you’d like, but right now I’m being summoned to a hostage crisis.
Monkey-less, I might add.
Sincerely,
Sgt. Liss
Based on a true story.

Effects Of Toilet Water On The LG VX-7000 Cellular Phone

Hypothesis:
An LG VX-7000 cellular phone dropped into a toilet by an overly-mobile 9-month old will probably not function well.
Explanation:
The prevailing theory among scientists in this field of study is that non-water resistant electronic devices are harmed by immersion in water – whether it be from a toilet bowl or the Hudson.
However, rather than pass a sweeping generalization over all non-water resistant devices, it has been decided that all such devices should be tested individually for the sake of full scientific understanding.
In this case, the LG VX-7000 cellular phone.
This is one in a string of tests of electronic devices conducted by 9-Month Old Scientist, coming right on the heels of the groundbreaking Effects Of A Hardwood Floor On The Logitech Harmony Remote Control, the notable Aerodynamic Properties Of Battery-Operated Devices and the memorable Potential Hazards Of Diaper Cream On Sony Portable CD Players.
Details:
The test was initiated by 9-Month Old Scientist while the Elder Scientist was fetching a bath towel. The decision to proceed came after 9-Month Old Scientist developed the ability to crawl into the bathroom while holding an LG VX-7000 cellular phone, stand with the assistance of a toilet, and deposit said phone into the toilet bowl.
A Ka-Plonk noise served as the indication that testing had commenced.
Upon hearing the testing commence, Elder Scientist attempted to conclude the test and determine the results as quickly as possible.
9-Month Old Scientist then began to study the physical properties of toilet water with his hands, an unrelated test.
Observations:
The LG VX-7000 cellular phone, when deposited in water, becomes wet.
Removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone from the bottom of a toilet bowl is a potentially unpleasant experience, as the size of the phone makes it liable to lodge tightly in the bottom of the bowl. This requires extended hands-in-toilet time which many consider objectionable.
Upon removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone, the phone’s lights flashed and the phone vibrated as if a call were incoming. There was no incoming call, and the phone did not cease vibrating as would be considered normal.
The phone powered down without use of the on/off button, again unusual.
When powered up again, the phone began to vibrate. Again, no incoming call, and the vibration would not stop.
It should be noted that the phone was not set to vibrate anyway.
Buttons on the phone did not seem to be responsive, and the on/off button did not produce the desired result. This required a new method of turning the phone on and off, which involved removing the battery entirely.
A decision was made by Elder Scientist to let the phone sit overnight in a temperature-controlled environment, such as the top of the air conditioner. This was done in the interest of removing additional water from the interior of the device. 9-Month Old Scientist was then bathed.
The following day, when 9-Month Old Scientist started work at 5:25am, Elder Scientist re-assembled the LG VX-7000 cellular phone and resumed the test.
It is believed that water has had a detrimental effect to the LCD screen, as it suffers from what can be called “LCD blotching.”
The screen which protects the LCD is now somewhat fogged, like the windows of a 1987 Chevrolet Cavalier.
The phone’s tendency to randomly power-down is troubling.
The camera seems to function normally until you attempt to take a picture. This results in a powering-down of the phone which is not normal, and does not produce a picture.
The voicemail function works and will allow you to leave a message telling people not to call your toilet phone for the time being.
The speaker works when the phone is on – which is sometimes, as it powers down at random.
The Number 7 key is now Speed Dial.
The Number 8 key produces no number 8.
Conclusion:
The LG VX-7000 has a low tolerance for toilet water, and is not a suitable toy for 9-Month Old Scientists.

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Unclaimed Finances of The Rich & Famous

Every year, millions of dollars in assets remain unclaimed because the rightful owner could not be located – usually because they moved to a new address or died while doing drugs at the Viper Room. Unable to distribute these funds, but required by law to hold on to them, companies simply keep cash and stock sitting in accounts in the event their owner ever comes calling. While searching an asset-tracing database for some long-lost cash of my own, I wondered who else might have a little missing money somewhere. The answer? Apparently everyone. The winner? Screen legend and anti-Semite Marlon Brando who has an unclaimed check for $48,007.94 with his name on it. Someone tell Christian.
Here are some others. Addresses removed because that wouldn’t be nice.

Celebrities:

ANISTON, JENNIFER
LOS ANGELES, CA 90036
$107.75 TIFFANY MERCHANDISE CREDITS

CLOONEY, GEORGE
BEVERLY HILLS CA 90212
$180.00 WARNER BROS. FILM AND ENTERTAINMENT

REEVES, KEANU
LOS ANGELES CA 90048
$85.60 PACIFIC BELL

EASTWOOD, CLINT
$186.38 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$724.51 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$137.01 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY

SIXX, NIKKI
LOS ANGELES CA 90069
$912.30
FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY
$220.96 CEDARS SINAI MEDICAL CENTER

Celebrities who hath shat upon the institution of marriage:

PITT, BRAD
RESEDA CA 91335
$85.87 WARNER BROS

BARRYMORE, DREW
HOLLYWOOD 90028
$84.66 MCA RECORDS INC

SPEARS, BRITNEY
ORLANDO FL 32809
$828.29 CAST & CREW TALENT SERVICES INC

JOLIE, ANGELINA
BEVERLY HILLS CA 90212
$602.83 PROGRESSIVE TITLE COMPANY, WESTLAND ESCROW DIVISION

GABOR, ZSA ZSA
LOS ANGELES CA 90077
$129.35 WARNER BROS. FILM AND ENTERTAINMENT

SHEEN, CHARLIE
LOS ANGELES CA 90024
$560.12 FIREMAN’S FUND INSURANCE COMPANY

Continue reading…

Report to Shareholders

dooropen.jpg
I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.
Our earnings in 2004 reflect our commitment to a proactive and aggressive policy of standing outside the 14th Street Chase Bank and holding the door for people.
I credit our success to a simple and effective business model: Hold the door open for people leaving and entering the bank, because that’s where the money’s at.
Last year’s growth trend was no accident, and can be attributed to the fact that by standing in the same place every day during bank hours, we created a rapport with people entering and leaving the building. In other words, we built our brand, and in this business brand is everything. This is in direct contrast to our operations during the previous years in which we wandered dazed and bleeding down 2nd Avenue on an irregular basis.
As evidenced by last year’s outstanding performance, the one-location business model is a key to success in our industry.
In addition to optimizing our location, we introduced our new tagline: Please help me. We noticed a marked difference in returns after the introduction of Please help me, and have permanently phased out Quarter Quarter Quarter which, frankly, was never much of a focus group darling.
In the year ahead we will have our challenges, to be certain. There’s a pregnant teen outside Emack & Bolio’s seeking our clients. There’s been some hostility with the bank management. And I am bleeding. But these are all things that can be worked out.
Frankly, I am not concerned. We have the savvy and reputation that others in our industry lack. And we provide a valuable door-holding experience that Shrieking Pete does not.
I look forward to the year ahead. Under my stewardship I believe we can expect Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries to grow even more. I’m proud of where we are today, and I have you to thank for it.
Please help me,
Tavis E. Williams
Chairman and CEO
Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries

Community Theatre Bios

DONOVAN BLAINE (Dr. Morganville) is forty six and hates life. His fucking friend Lee got a fucking role on the fucking Sopranos and that’s bullshit because it should have gone to him. Things haven’t turned out for Donovan and he wishes he went into insurance like his dick brother Alfred. Donovan has appeared in the Carnival Cruise Line production of Les Miserables and is a founding member of The Chuckles, an ensemble of clowns that terrify terminally ill children in various hospital wards. His real name is Ted Weed.
MISSY MACDONALD (Madame Sylvia) Missy returns to the stage after unsuccessfully trying to tackle Los Angeles, where she was eaten alive by fellow actor/she-vipers. She was an ideal pick for the role of Madame Sylvia because both characters are dull, insecure and quite lonely. Missy’s father ran off when she was six, so she’ll sleep with anything.
BRAD TARTHOFFER (Mr. Griggers) Brad’s dilemma of being broke all the time is due in part to his doing community theatre for $20/week. He is a homosexual.
DANNY TYSON (Mr. Banana) This is Danny’s first play, which will become painfully obvious in about three minutes.
CHRISTOPHER BRIT (Dr. Camden) Christopher was on One Life To Live in 1984 but talks about it like it was yesterday. He had three lines he delivered poorly but insists they never used him again because the show’s regulars felt threatened. Christopher was a shoo-in for the role of Dr. Camden after the first choice came down with the flu.
DEREK BEEMER (Angelo) Derek most recently performed Shakespeare Gone Wild in the back of the Williamsburg Ale House because he doesn’t have a very good agent.
TARA DIPHESIO (Dania) Tara always thought it would be better than this. She doesn’t know what happened. She recently auditioned for an experimental film and had to take her top off. Her manager operates out of his apartment.
LAILA TATE (Melissa) Laila has coasted on her stunning looks for years, often snatching key roles from more-talented but less-attractive women. Laila is very aware that she is onstage and if you cough it will throw off her whole performance.
CHRIS ROSENWIG (Passerby) Chris notified every casting director and agent in town about his four-line role, indicating that he takes himself way too seriously.
KERRI SIPES (Dr. Chandrae) Kerri won’t stop talking about the fucking Meisner technique.

A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs

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I created Citizen Change last year with one goal and one goal only: I wanted folks between 18-30 years of age to get out there and rock the vote.
And when November 2nd came around, and those extra 40 or so folks went to the polls, I realized we had succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. We rocked it, indeed. Politics will never be the same.
I can’t tell you the immense pride I get from having made a difference – from rocking something like the vote. And it made me think.
Diddy, you awesome. Diddy, you going to heaven. Diddy, let’s rock something else.
That’s right. I want to rock something else.
Sure, I could just call it quits now, mumble “Mission accomplished” over the melody to John Mayer’s Daughters, and all would be fine. But Citizen Combs doesn’t want to stop there. Citizen Combs believes in our youth, and the power they have to make a difference. Citizen Combs wants you by his side as we fight together for change.
Our victory last November proved that we’re a force to be reckoned with, that we’re unstoppable. For that reason, we shouldn’t stop.
It occurred to me last night while sitting under my personal umbrella that it would be foolish to waste the momentum we have. Since Citizen Change was created with change in mind, it should continue to focus on change. Change is good. So right now, I’d like to change the way you watch television.
I’m asking you to get out there and buy TiVo, or die.
I know this sounds extreme – that you should die if you don’t go and purchase TiVo – but I feel strongly about it. Real strongly. Plus, it’s a catchy slogan. Farnsworth thought of it. He thinks of things when he’s not holding my personal umbrella.
TiVo or Die.
Seriously, TiVo will change the way you watch television forever. It’s revolutionary. I love TiVo so much, I don’t even turn a TV on anymore unless it has TiVo. It’s not worth it. I have parted ways with good friends because we don’t see eye to eye on TiVo.
Once you get used to TiVo, there’s no going back. Sometimes when I’m in Leo DiCaprio’s basement screening a film and I miss a crucial plot point, I want to rewind and see it again. Then it occurs to me:
Diddy, you awesome. But this is a screening, Diddy. It ain’t got TiVo, Diddy.
Then I’m in a funk downpour that even a personal umbrella can’t protect me from.
So, TiVo or die.
You can pause live television. Never again will you miss 60 Minutes because you were interrupted by a noisy fax, phone call or your personal umbrella handler.
TiVo is like a friend, too. But not an entourage friend. A real friend. TiVo gets to know you and what you like to watch. Based on that, it finds shows it thinks you might want to see. Then it records them for you, like a ho trying to win you over. TiVo’s like:
Diddy, you awesome. And Diddy, I know you like antiques, so I recorded a lot of shows about them. TiVo love you, Diddy. TiVo you friend.
And don’t just take my word for it, even though you should. In the next few weeks you’ll be seeing lipsynctress Ashlee Simpson take to the streets to encourage you to get TiVo. Role model 50 Cent will be representing with a big TiVo medallion he’s going to wear. Janeane Garofalo will be on O’Reilly Factor – and this time she won’t get eaten alive because she’ll be talking TiVo. And everybody will love TiVo. Even conservatives. But Citizen Change is non-partisan, so that doesn’t matter none.
And that’s just the beginning. We have a lot of change on our agenda, because we’re Citizen Change, and change is half of our name. Once we’ve made people see the way of TiVo, we’ll be changing other things. Like the way we look at votive candles – perhaps the most under-appreciated candles in the world.
But that’s a fight for another day.
For now, it’s TiVo. TiVo or die.
Peace.
Sean
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Dear Person Who Hacked Paris Hilton’s Cell Phone

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By making Ms. Hilton’s phone book and emails available for all to see, you provided me with much entertainment on a lazy Sunday. I thoroughly enjoyed the fruits of your labor, gleefully imagining the fury that would be directed at Ms. Hilton after Eminem received his ninetieth wake-up call from some adoring, aspiring wigga. I thought long and hard about calling up “Dad” and cursing him for producing such a monstrosity and unleashing it on the public. I spent valuable seconds wondering if a mundane entry like “Rite Aid” was for a pharmacy – or a drug dealer. I wonder if “Egplant dike ass” will be upset when she recognizes her phone number.
Though I was pleased to see the number for “Feed the children” in there, she didn’t gain any points with me. I can’t stand her and neither, obviously, can you.
We share the same distaste for the girl. We’re appalled by the vapidity, the hubris, the logic-defying celebrity status bestowed on her by dunces. You cringe as I cringe. You shake your head as I do. You don’t get it as I don’t get it.
No doubt you were as traumatized as I was that the video of her humping an opportunistic sleazeball didn’t send her off to oblivion – but rather made her bigger and more powerful. Just like the blob in The Blob. I saw this as a sign that the world was going to Hell, and so did you. Indeed, perhaps she’s Satan in a tart costume.
Speaking of Satan – who do you think would email back if I sent “Christ” a message? She can’t be that connected, can she? He’s there in her address book, two up from Chris Judd, just under “Mr. Chows.”
Though I find Ms. Hilton a classless drain on all things decent and believe she cheerfully, vacantly represents almost everything that’s wrong with society today, my contempt for the strumpet ends at calling her names. You? You’ve got moxie, my boy. You take action.
Now, what you did was wrong of course. Your callous disregard for collateral damage was on par with the average Islamist. Come tomorrow – after having received countless emails and phone calls from freaks worldwide – hundreds of innocent and not-so-innocent people or their assistants will be forced to spend their President’s Day obtaining new phone numbers and email addresses.
Because of what you did to Ms. Hilton, other folks were hurt or placed in harm’s way. Ashlee Simpson might get a call reminding her that she’s a fraud perpetrating a joke on the song-downloading public. Ditto Lindsay Lohan. And Lauren Popeil, heiress to Ronco, might be hounded by people upset that her dad’s Food Dehydrator is a piece of crap.
A lot of folks – and inexplicably Pauly Shore – were caught in the crossfire. So shame on you.
But how totally, totally awesome.
Sure we’ve all seen Paris naked, committing oral sodomy in night vision, but your felonious adventure provided pretty much anyone with internet access the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the little portion of Paris they hadn’t yet seen. The Paris who, according to her personal notes, has to “Get birth control kill pill.” The Paris who has “Tell ken about jess trying to bone JT” as a to-do. The business-savvy Paris who plans to “Do that’s hot tank tops like chrome hearts iold english writinh that’s hot with crosses and tiatas.”
Thanks to the overwhelming Paris Hilton media offensive (pun intended), the content of her Sidekick phone was actually the only Paris-related thing left for the general population to find out about. Now that you went the extra mile and provided it to us, I can’t help but wonder: is she over?
Of course she isn’t. That would simply be too lucky. Sure, we’d love to think of her being dis-invited to parties and airbrushed off magazine covers. But it’s not going to happen. I wouldn’t say we’ll always have Paris, but she’ll be desecrating the culture a bit longer. Sigh.
Not to say the sacrifice you’ll be making is in vain; you gave us brief joy and a glimmer of hope. For that, I thank you. No doubt a good portion of the public thanks you. Pauly Shore, ironically, probably thanks you. In fact the only people not thanking you would be the heiress herself, and 500 of her closest “friends.”

The Starbucks Glossary

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Antiventi
A person who rejects company size lingo and orders their beverage in small, medium and large.
Botulidm
Discomfort associated with a barista pressing a dirty thumb on the lid’s sipping-hole while affixing it to your cup.
Chainchronicity
When you can stand in one Starbucks and see another, such as at Astor Place.
Coffotomy
Removal of unwanted beverage by pouring it into the trash, usually to make room for milk.
Coffusion
When two or more customers reach for the same beverage, unsure of its ownership.
Delait
When you are forced to wait for the milk thermos you need.
Denialinated
A high-calorie, high-fat beverage such as the Caramel Mocha ordered with skim milk to reduce guilt.
Hesitip
The act of waiting until the employee can see you place money in the jar, so you can get credit for it.
Neglact
To forget that the customer wanted room for milk and fill the cup to the brim.
Textibitionist
A person seated so you can see the mediocre screenplay on his laptop.

The Apple iPad

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Meet iPad, the newest innovation from Apple, designed exclusively for your dad.
With its minimal learning curve, iPad eliminates the potential for trouble and helps your dad answer those recurring questions once and for all. Say goodbye to Where did the browser go? How does this shut off? and Why is it asking me for a password? With iPad, that won’t happen. Ever. Because iPad was engineered with ease of use in mind. That means less frustration for your dad, and less time spent coaching him on force-quitting Internet Explorer.
iPad maximizes productivity. Since there’s no cursor, your dad won’t spend seven minutes searching for it.
iPad comes in two colors: white and yellow, and two styles: regular and college rule. The wide range of third-party pens and pencils means your dad can accessorize iPad exactly to his tastes. No iPad is the same, except for the ones that are!
iPad Features:
Ease of Use
iPad’s operating system eliminates the confusion of folders and disk hierarchies. Retrieving files no longer involves calling you for help. Instead, your dad simply has to check his jacket pocket.
Unlimited Storage Capacity
iPad can be placed in a desk, briefcase or glove compartment.
Word Processing
Your dad will be up and running instantly with iPad’s powerful word processing system. iWrite is completely user-friendly and relies on your dad’s own handwriting recognition capabilities. iWrite is capable of handling any language, any font, any time.
Graphic Design
Every iPad comes with the ability to draw pictures – limited only by your dad’s creativity and skill.
Scheduling
iPad’s scheduling system is easy to use. Your dad simply writes down where he has to be and at what time. Then he looks at his watch to determine what time he should leave to get there.
Communication
Whether your dad wants to reach a friend across the street or across the globe, all he has to do is compose his message, place it in an iVelope, drive to the Post Office and send it.
Powerful Internet Connectivity
No.
iPad Requirements:
Flat surface
Lead or ink

Cats Do Not Like Change

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Cats do not like change – which explains why they do not like being relocated to new houses and why they rejected Kerry’s message, overwhelmingly voting for Bush in the recent election.
With their preference for routine, it’s quite understandable that many cats are troubled by the appearance of new humans in the household. When presented with such dramatic change they react in one of two ways:
1. They hide under the bed or behind furniture.
2. They eat the dramatic change.
To determine the course of action your feline acquaintance has chosen is easy: look under the bed and behind the sofa. If your cat is not found there, odds are he’s considering the consumption track.
Furthermore, if your cat is seated three feet from the new human and looks pensive, he’s more than likely abandoned a defensive posture and is instead developing a plan that may contain a tragic eat-your-child scenario.
If your cat has reached this state, you’ll need to sit down with him and have a chat – which is French for “cat”, ironically enough.
Reassurance is key here. If you can ease a cat’s fears that he’s being moved to the side, he is more likely to accept the new addition and adapt to it – rather than devour it during naptime. Even though all your actions speak to the fact that he is indeed being put to the side, it should be easy to convince him otherwise – he has a brain the size of a fig. He lacks fully developed logic and reasoning, like a press release from Barbra Streisand.
Use a soothing voice, reassuringly put your hand on one of the cat’s thighs and explain to him why he should not eat your child.
Try reason: I put a lot of work into this child, and I would appreciate you not eating him. He is very nice.
If reason fails, try bargaining: If you do not eat the child, who is very nice, I will give you extra tartar-control snacklets.
When all else fails, you may have to threaten: If you eat this nice child you will get a serious misting from the spray bottle, and you hate that.
It is important to remember that all you are doing is buying time. At some point, hopefully, the child will develop defensive and offensive capabilities. He will also be too big to eat.
After the umpteenth time your cat’s tail has been treated like the starter-cord from a lawnmower, he will realize – too late – that he should have acted on his initial impulse. The ability to see long-term is what separates us from animals that chase light from laser pens.

The Political Capital MasterCard

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With the MBNA Political Capital MasterCard, every dollar spent or vote received will earn you one Political Capital Point. You can use your points for valuable travel, hotel and shopping rewards, or simply to further your mandate. Even better, Political Capital Points can be transferred into most Frequent Flyer and 527 Group accounts. With Political Capital Points, how you use them is up to you!

 

Points:
Redeem for:
1,000 $10 Sausage Orgy at Waffle House
1,800 Medley of decorative soaps from Bed Bath & Beyond
2,500 $30 worth of patriotic iTunes from the Apple Store
4,000 Michael Moore’s underwear (XXL) and hat (M)
10,000 MP3 of Moby, Springsteen and P. Diddy weeping
14,500 Roget’s Vocabulary-Clinic DVD Set
30,000 60 Minutes of Dan Rather cursing like a sailor
75,000 "Happy ending" massage from Ann Coulter
100,000 Taunting Blogad on The Daily Kos
200,000 Positive mention in the New York Times
475,000 Khofi Annan streaking naked down 2nd Avenue
800,000 Rights to "Still The One" by Orleans
1,250,000 Vacancy in the Palestinian Authority
2,796,147 The electoral votes of Ohio
4,500,000 A shocked look from John Kerry, many others
10,000,000 Uncontested Hyperconservative Supreme Court appointment
15,000,000 Roe v. Wade
18,500,000 Complimentary Drilling, Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
20,000,000 Flawless regime change – Middle East or Old Europe
25,000,000 Enthusiastic applause during any United Nations address
35,500,000 Giant "I’m The Boss Of You" Planetary Billboard
40,000,000 Any enriched uranium Kim Jong Il has lying around
42,000,000 Coordinates of bin Laden’s dialysis clinic
59,000,000 Christ Returns, constituency rises to chorus of angels

Helpful Plastic Surgery Tips

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Plastic surgery works best when not a manifestation of inner turmoil and despair.
When confronted with your husband and a young woman having sex, consider plastic surgery to be an option. However, divorce and Second Degree Homicide under Mental Duress are also viable options worth considering, especially when plastic surgery may fail to win your philandering husband back.
Putting $50,000 into your kitchen leads to a better kitchen. Putting $50,000 into your face does not necessarily lead to a better face. This is because your face is not a kitchen.
To judge the success of your plastic surgery, stand outside. If people try to chase you off of a cliff with pitchforks, consider finding another plastic surgeon and getting a second opinion.
That said, individuals who make their living performing plastic surgery are not likely to admit you do not need plastic surgery. This is true of most professions. A car salesman will always try to sell you a car, even if you resemble the front-end of a Dodge Durango 4-Wheel Drive.
Moderation is not a vice. If your Day Runner contains notations such as “Get plastic surgery” more than three times in a given month, you are in danger of being overzealous.
Some alternatives to plastic surgery include: strategic use of blush and eye-liner, brushing teeth, and encouraging others to love you for who you really are.
If who you really are has been completely replaced by the monstrous visage you have created, stay indoors and watch Twilight Zone episodes Eye of the Beholder, A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain and Number Twelve Looks Just Like You. You will be somewhat comforted and well prepared for your deathbed epilogue – to be delivered by Rod Serling.

How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History

Adolf Hitler
Tammy wouldn’t like Hitler’s sense of humor and would give him a frowny face every time he told a joke. He would invite her to his parades and she’d tell him the goose-stepping looked “gay” and that she “didn’t get” the swastika. This would undermine his confidence and make it harder for him to retain an iron grip on power. “I don’t know what you see in that Goebbels,” she’d say. “He seems like kind of a loser.” Her constant criticisms would result in Hitler and Goebbels not hanging out as much. As a result, Nazi propaganda would suffer. Tammy would also insist that they forgo his favorite watering holes and instead go to places she likes. The putsch would then happen at a tacky folk-music bar with her ex-boyfriend playing guitar. Most of Hitler’s friends wouldn’t have shown up, because they couldn’t stand the constant arguing. In the middle of their relationship, Tammy would tell Hitler she was going on a trip with some guy she worked with. With Hitler’s self-esteem in the gutter, he’d lack the support and influence necessary to invade Poland and start World War II. Eventually, he’d break up with Tammy and call Himmler, whom he’d blown off for two years.
The Titanic
Sharon would go into the captain’s quarters and refuse to leave. “I just want to talk,” she’d say, “I just want to talk.” He’d beg her to leave, but she would just keep telling the captain she loved him and wanted to talk. “I don’t want to talk,” he’d say, “I don’t want anything to do with you.” Sharon would tell him that’s not true and that she knew he loved her. She’d say she wouldn’t let him break up with her anyway. The captain would threaten to call the police. “Go ahead,” she’d say, “I’m not leaving.” Frustrated and desperate to get away from her, he’d flee his quarters and run on deck, where he’d spot the giant iceberg. “Goodness! Go a few degrees port-ish,” he’d tell the folks piloting the ship-averting potential disaster. Sharon would be unaware that she saved so many lives, as she would be busy trying to feed the captain’s cat a tomato-because she thinks cats can eat them. After finally exiting the captain’s quarters for good, she’d leave a long message on his voice mail telling him he was an ugly loser and everyone hated him. Then she’d make out with his first mate.
September 11
In the middle of planning a surprise attack on civilians, Osama bin Laden would be invited to meet Anna’s family in rural Pennsylvania over Christmas break. Osama would get along fine with the overbearing mom and timid dad until the mom went through his bags and found Anna’s marijuana and birth control pills. Having triggered the mother’s dormant psychosis, Anna would then be dragged upstairs for six hours of being called a whore. This would be discomforting to Osama, who would sit in the living room freaking out. When Mohammed Atta called to check in, Osama would be totally frazzled. “Hold off on the martyrdom ops, dude. I’m up to my ears in shit,” he’d say. Anna and Osama would decide to cut the trip short and leave the next day. The following morning, Osama would sit in the freezing car for another three hours while the mom wrapped up calling her daughter a whore and drug addict. While her dad remained in the house peering from behind the curtains, Anna’s mom would come out to curse at Osama for ruining their daughter’s “white wedding.” Osama would be forced to spend the next year dealing with Anna’s being disowned. While tending to her subsequent nervous breakdown, he’d neglect his evil endeavor, which would give a vigilant INS the chance to notice that several pilots-in-training had no interest in flaps or landing gear.
Cuban Missile Crisis
Maggie would regularly call Castro “Mr. Poops,” which he’d find endearing but, at the same time, childish. Though she’s an extremely beautiful and sweet girl, Castro would have a hard time finding her sexy, because of the childlike demeanor. Every time he said, “So …,” she’d finish with “… buttons on your fanny.” Again, something he’d find cute but weird. Castro would find it very hard to stay threatening on the phone with Kennedy, because she would make puckered-up fish faces as he talked. She would only communicate with him in babyspeak, which he would accidentally carry over into his conversations with the Soviets. After hearing Castro say, “Toodles, my noodle,” Khrushchev would call a little powwow at the Kremlin. The Politburo would decide that Mr. Poops wasn’t the best person to mind their nuclear weapons. There would be no missile crisis. A few weeks later, Castro would call the relationship quits when he hears Maggie pee.
Waco
Kelly would keep trying to get David Koresh to have sex in the shower. “C’mon, baby doll,” she’d say in a Southern twang. “C’mon, baby doll.” He would be very concerned about the FBI/ATF forces amassed outside his compound, but she would only talk about sex. She’d tell him to try some ecstasy because the sex would be great when on ecstasy. About 12 minutes later he’d realize he was chemically impotent, but that would be OK with him. He’d just smile. “What’s the matter, baby doll,” she’d ask. “You gay, baby doll?” He’d take deep breaths and sink into the bed as his pupils dilated to maximum. Having discovered the remarkable texture of Kelly’s fake breasts, he’d start rubbing them lovingly and telling her how fantastic they were. The warmth of her skin would resonate as awesome ATF agents beautifully entered his wonderful bedroom and fired two gorgeous rounds into his eye.
Originally appeared on McSweeney’s.

The Baha Men Commission Report

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Preface (xvi):
“We learned that the institutions charged with protecting our border, civil aviation, and national security did not understand how grave this threat could be, and did not adjust their policies, plans and practices to deter the dogs from getting out.”
Page 26:
Military Notification And Response
NORAD: We have a report the dogs got out. Can you confirm?
ASPCA: Repeat, please.
NORAD: CENTCOM is telling us the dogs got out. Can you confirm?
ASPCA: Dogs?
NORAD: Yes.
ASPCA: Let me check. [8 second silence] Yes, they got out.
NORAD: Who let the dogs out?
ASPCA: Who?
NORAD: Who.
Page 81:
“The INS initiated but failed to bring to completion two efforts that would have provided inspectors with information relative to the objective of dogs not getting out – a proposed system to track canine movements, and an incentive system centered around small biscuits.”
Page 101:
“Say, a doggie is nuttin’ if he don’t have a bone. All doggie hold ya bone, all doggie hold it.”
Page 191:
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Page 265:
“Deep institutional failings in our government were exploited. The question is whether extra vigilance might have turned up an opportunity to keep the dogs in.”
Page 327:
“Most disturbing to this committee is the fact that since their release in 2000, neither the Baha Men nor the United States government have answers. This committee finds it unacceptable that to this date when asked who let the dogs out all we can answer is: Who?

A Gentleman’s Guide to Labor & Delivery

THE EARLY STAGES
Nobody really expects their baby to arrive on the due date, which is why the night before it’s perfectly normal to go out and have many adult beverages with your friend while your wife stays at home groaning with pregnancy-related pains and annoyances.
That said, you should not be surprised when she calls you at 2:15am the date of expected delivery to tell you she doesn’t “feel well.” This is in fact woman-code. Rather than alarm the male by screaming “It’s happening!” the female has learned over thousands of years to simply hint at being “unwell” so as to encourage the male to finish his mojito, pay his bar tab and return to the domicile.
Unlike movies and television suggest, the beginning of labor is not an occasion to rush to the hospital at 100 miles per hour. Rather, it is time to prepare oneself mentally for the coming event: the $24 taxi fare. It is also not unusual for impending parenthood to cross your mind.
Childbirth classes encourage those in early labor to mill about the house, take a long stroll, do laundry or even as we’d been told with a straight face, “see a movie.” Unfortunately for us, Alien vs. Predator was not playing anywhere near us in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Instead, my wife cleaned the kitchen while I repeated “Are you sure? Are you sure?” until I was able to catch a quick nap, its quality greatly reduced by the aforementioned adult beverage consumption.
Eventually there will be a moment when your wife believes, quite strongly, that it is time. No matter how much the male asks “Are you sure? Are you sure?” the answer becomes and stays “Yes!” delivered with an increasing amount of confidence and belly-holding. At that point, no matter how much of a nap he is wanting, the male must concede defeat and assume that his partner really is sure. To the male this means he is soon to be a father. To the female it means she is soon to be a mother, married to a drunkard.

Continue reading…