YANG SHOU
The Guilin ferry eventually drops you off in Yang Shou which is where Jimmy Buffett would live if he were born in a quasi-capitalist, one-party state like China.
If you’re the young English guy who drank the “snake wine” during the cruise, this is the moment when you stagger off the boat and projectile vomit onto the hostess. She will in turn shriek (a universal language, understood by all) and run crying back onto the boat. Welcome to Yang Shou.
You can pronounce Yang Shou anyway you’d like: Yon Shoe, Yong Shoo, Yang Zoo – it doesn’t matter because you won’t pronounce it correctly and will only elicit a Weh?. Fortunately you’re already there.
One thing about Yang Shou is clear: They want your money. From the second you step off the boat you are accosted by vendors. Hallo! Sir? T-Shirt? Postcard? Hallo? It’s like anywhere else in China, but it’s nice and tropical here and the pollution haze is greener because of the lovely mountains.
The vendors all sell the same things and they’re all stationed every four feet – the general theory being you’ll get tired of saying no at some point. Just bear in mind, if you buy something straight off the boat you’ll be marked as an easy target so prepare to spend the next mile being aggressively marketed to.
SHOPPING
The tourist shops in Yang Shou all sell the same things as the shops everywhere else in China – and Chinatown. It’s a haggle-fiesta and everything is negotiable. Anything you buy you will drag back home and then reconsider as in Did my toddler really need a frightening old Chinaman puppet? If you forget to buy something you can find it at Pearl River Mart on Broadway in Manhattan.
BARS
Yang Shou seems to cater to the kind of folks you’d find in Florida: Alcoholics in shorts. The bars all have outdoor seating and large open windows which allow the many beggars to approach you and contribute to your dining experience. We felt right at home as the bar was out of all the good Chinese beers and, like any crap bar in Florida, could only offer Western tinkle brands Heineken and Corona.
This was the only place we’d seen in China that seemed to have people who could actually make cocktails with Western spirits and not their “Mao Tai” rocket fuel.
SNAKE WINE
I’d already eaten a bird’s nest on my journey, declined donkey meat and stared in shock at plates of sautéed bamboo worms and bee larvae. This made me wonder: What does a hungry patron wash all that gorgeous food down with?
The answer? Snake wine.
Snake wine is easy to make. Put live snakes in a bottle of alcohol, seal the bottle, watch them die, let the thing fester in the cellar and open it some day to celebrate a snake wine-worthy occasion, such as the kidnapping of your aunt or losing a toe to cancer.
A Canadian brave enough to have tried it reported that it was “nasty” and I believe him because Canadians don’t lie. And I’ll not forget the Englishman from the boat who speed-barfed on the hostess. Circumstantial evidence, sure, but in the spirit of Guantanamo I’m going to convict the stuff without due process.
Great news for snake lovers: There’s lizard wine – which is just as cruel and vile but made by killing creatures further down the evolutionary chart.
THE MINORITY CAFÉ
A place where you can be free to be whatever the Ku Klux Klan or the British National Party hate. At least, I’m assuming that’s what it is because I never went in.
THE FACE A GUEST SOIL SPECIAL PRODUCT SUPERMARKET
I spent a lot of time trying to determine what this sign was supposed to mean. Then I stopped trying and wept like a gay mullah.
WEST STREET UNDERGROUND DEPANTM STANE
Again, China’s sign-making industry is in need of able-bodied, literate English-speakers willing to work for $2.12 a day.
“…like any crap bar in Florida, could only offer Western tinkle brands Heineken and Corona.”
Hilarious. I call these little snippets of home while on vacation ‘reverse tourism’. As in:
reverse tourism: n. 1. Distinctly domestic experience while abroad. The tour’s McRib box lunch was a humorous portion of reverse tourism. 2. Seeking out the distinctly domestic while abroad (mildly pejorative). After the spending the first night in Amsterdam, the Ligenfelters sought reverse tourism at the Haarlem Hilton.
Well, the last sign was a perfect example of trompe l’oeil. It will clarify the meaning for you to realize that it actually says UnderGTOAND Depantm Stane.
[ Ah, now I UnderStmd. -B. ]
yup, the supermarket name is meaningless. The first character means welcome. the second 2: ordinary soldiers and the last 4 mean specialty
supermarket.
There we have it. The wonderfully meaningful name of: “Welcome Ordinary Soldier Specialty Supermarket”
I speak the language and still don’t get it.
Dysfunctional travel makes for a lifetime of anecdotes and stories. I’m thoroughly enjoying your trip. On the subject of booze, every culture seems to have a drink to separate the men from the boys, if not the stomach contents from the drinker, i.e the worm in Tequila, that amputated toe in that bar in the Yukon, live shrimp in wine, etc. Tell me, what do they do with the snakes after decanting the wine?
I think they’re just trying to shove a lot of meanings into one name. It’s supposed to mean something like “welcome distinguished guests to buy our local products at a supermarket.” Go figure.
to justbecomeamanwhore:
The third character is “soil”, whose lower part is a little bit longer than upper part; while in “ordinary soldier”, the lower part is shorter.
1st character means “welcome”, 2nd “guest”, 3rd “soil”, 4th “special/local”, 5th “product”, 6th “super”, 7th “market”.
so here comes the meaning: “welcome guest supermarket which sells local product that come from soil”, where “welcome guest” serves as the brand of the supermarket, like “publix”.
dude, i think you went to YANGSHUO, not YANGZHOU. those are two completely different places in china. except yangshuo is about an hour plus away from guilin and you can get there by boat and yangzhou is … not.
[ Damned pronunciation thingy. -B. ]
I still don’t understand when people eat pork or beef everyday.
What’s the problem about eating a donkey or a dog ?
I have to admit that the “white” people is currently
the ruler of the world. So, for everyone else, we have to feel shame about ourselves because we eat snakes while you guys enjoying snails.
[ Ewww, snails! -B. ]
Is it the same kind of Snake wine ?
http://www.snake-wine-cobra.com/
[ Yup. It’s indeed a “Rare Gift for Events” such as making your guests projectile vomit. -B. ]
thanks for the inspiration, I was stressed at work but i learnt that life is about living to the fullest and enjoying every moment. Thanks allot.