Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Why Are These Zombies So Brittle?

Hey Gang,

I know it’s been a crazy few months with all the running for our lives and the collapse of society and all that. You’re family to me and I love you, but something’s been nagging at me and I just need to put it out there.

Why are these zombies so brittle?

Anybody notice? You can just prance up and jab a pen knife into their craniums as though they were over-ripe melons.

That’s weird right?

I ask because in the glorious pre-zombie years we all got punched or whacked or fell off our bikes. Did our foreheads shatter like florescent bulbs? No they didn’t. They were resilient. You couldn’t just push objects into our heads. That’s why we’re alive today.

Now suddenly every zombie skull has the structural integrity of a Frito.

What gives?

I’m not complaining, mind you. It’s a good thing! The fact that a petite gal like Isabella can lobotomize a walker with plastic salad tongs — that’s definitely gotten us out of a few pickles!

But why? Why are these zombies so brittle?

And before you shrug it off as a zombie thing: Remember Bruce, the quiet guy who was with us for a couple weeks? He head-butted that renegade biker and knocked him out cold! Then he gets bitten, turns into a zombie and Tommy has to dispatch him with a can opener to the temple. One minute he’s head-butting bikers, seconds later the same skull is a cheap piñata.

That’s just messed up.

So what is it? You die and get osteoporosis? That’s almost as weird as the zombie plague itself. It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s driving me nuts.

Let’s not get fixated on it because we have bigger fish to fry, but it’s something to think about next time you’re gingerly thrusting a nail file through back of someone’s head.

Your Comrade-in-Arms,

Kevin


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