Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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What’s Your Problem?

Your problem
Your Diagnosis
Your Cure
Left your keys in the door all night.
Memory Failure Disorder; Post Bud-Binge Dementia
Donepezil 30mg
Avoiding the doorman because he starts awkward conversations to fill the silence.
Shyness Affected Disorder; Pre-Lobby Anxiety
Buspar 10mg
Gigantic ass from all those Frappucinos.
Venti-Size Posterior Syndrome; Portion Control Dysfunction
Xenical 120mg
Out "with the boys" again because apparently women do not find cigar smoke sexy.
Nicotine-related Female Displacement Disorder
Zyban 150mg
Not the slightest bit attracted to Paris Hilton, and amazed that fantastic wealth can produce a truck-stop whore.
Harlot-Aversion Syndrome; Performance Anxiety
Viagra 100mg
Don’t feel like going out tonight because you’re broke, plus "Timeline" is on Pay-Per-View and you like stuff with knights in it.
Agoraphobia; Social Anxiety
Alprazolam 1mg
Boss is as stupid as the mud at the bottom of Lake Moron.
Employment-related Hypertension
Norvasc 10mg
Don’t feel like going to bed right now, damn it.
Sleep Disorder; Nocturnal Dysfunction
Ambien 10mg
Six black guys dressed like 50 Cent are looking at you and not smiling.
Urban Anxiety Disorder; Gangtsa-Related Dress Anxiety
Lorazepam 1mg
Neck hurts because you tried to impress people with the "Ninja Roll" you half-learned eight years ago.
Martial Arts-related Training Dysfunction
Tramadol 50mg
Totally lost your cool because "Collateral" was sold out.
Hypertension; General Cinema Anxiety
Sertraline 50mg
Finished a bottle of whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes last night.
Post-Party Depression; Alcoholism
Relpax 40mg
Jaw hurts from chewing gum and making those snapping noises that annoy everyone in your proximity.
Wrigley-Affected Dysfunction
Celebrex 100mg
Prefer to read The History of Pirates than sex-up your very pregnant wife.
Third Party Presence Anxiety; Pre-Natal Performance Disorder
Cialis 20mg
Still blaming 9/11 for your vague sense of unease, even though you only watched it on TV.
Non-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Paxil 20mg
Can’t get the coffee stains out of the mug, no matter how hard you try.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; Caffeine Addiction
Zoloft 50mg
Wife talking about her upcoming birthday as you decide to check your emails and stub your toe.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Concerta 27mg
Your improvisational troupe is not funny. Comic Ability Delusion Disorder Prozac 20mg

Previously

GRAMMAR COP Complaint: Misdemeanor misspelling of "Russian" - an adjective and noun relating to the country, language and culture of people who often wear shiny gold pants; painting said misspelling on a stretched canvas surface; calling …

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