Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Uses for 311

311 is New York City’s New Phone Number for Government Information and Services. Among the many services accessible through 311, you can:
Find out if the guy who screamed “Take me to a sandwich” at you was ever taken to a sandwich.
Thank the Mayor for making restaurants smoke-free and 30% less profitable.
Report a loud noise that passed by forty minutes ago.
Tell the Mayor about your new improvisational comedy troupe. See if he can get someone from William Morris Agency to come by.
Find out what up with that.
Report quality of life complaints such as blocked driveways, loud youths and lousy quality of life.
Obtain the phone number of any City voicemail maze.
Politely request that real estate mogul Barbara Corcoran cease plastering her face on billboards.
Report any non-emergency Carson Daly sightings.
Find out what the Arabs who run your corner deli were saying about you.
Get a recommendation for a lawyer to help you sue the city because you tripped on a signpost stub.
Report the broken streetlight you reported last week.
Find out what “Neckface” means.
Ask how much this is costing New York taxpayers.
Report non-taxpayers.
Find out if Pedro Martinez ever studied the Japanese martial art of Aikido because the way he threw Don Zimmer down was very Aikido-like and graceful.
Locate a nearby Holocaust-denial group.
Find out when there’ll be more Cynthia Steffe on sale at Loehmann’s. Tell Mayor you got a great deal on a Fendi dress solely because of a missing belt.
Obtain the local garbage pick-up schedule so you can coordinate your soda can farming expeditions.
Ask where the hell the 6 train is for God’s sake.
Find out if so-and-so is on the up-and-up.
Get the latest fashions or recommend a fashion trend.
Ask the Mayor what frickin’ movie they blocked 19th Street for and convey your annoyance at being forced to unload your new Ikea sofa a block away.
Have the operator moderate your game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Get a detailed rundown of current official bribes and what they get you in return.
Ask the Mayor for help with your pirated copy of Microsoft Office.
Plead Not Guilty.
Find out the latest restaurant openings and their estimated closings.
Ask if Al Sharpton is serious.
Report a shameless, healthy twenty-something who is smoking, eating, reading a book, feeding a dog and informing you via cardboard that he’s down on his luck.
Start a rumor about melon-crazy comedian Gallagher and supermodel Giselle.
Get the lyrics to 50-Cent’s P.I.M.P.
Recommend the next Mayor.


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