Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Us Weekly’s al-Sadr Coverage

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With preggos Gwyneth and Courtney Cox due soon and Heidi Klum knocked up by disinterested 50-something Italian playboy Flavio Briatore, we thought we had a full plate when it came to hot summer news… but boy were we wrong! It looks like there’s a new star on the horizon, and not since the demise of Bennifer has the Us Weekly foreign desk been so abuzz with activity!
Speaking of buzz… the Us Buzz-O-Meter has nearly shorted out thrice due to the constant chorus of readers shouting “Tell us more about Muqtada al-Sadr! Tell us more!”
Well, you know we keep no secrets, so here’s the dish on this Shia shining star!
Usher may be the new Michael Jackson, but when it comes to bad boy antics, hottie Russell Crowe will have to take a back seat to the homicidal-frenzy-inspiring new kid on the block, Muqtada al-Sadr. Even notorious naughty-girl Shannen Doherty would have her hands full with this fiery heartthrob. We’re willing to bet our Uggs she’d be sweltering under a burqua before you could say Sharia.
So, just who is this mob-motivating up-and-coming celeb?
Well, just like Charlie Sheen, Muqtada got a little career push with the help of his well-known dad, Muhammad Sadiq Sadr, a vocal Shia cleric. Mr. Sadr had a Janet Jackson-sized desire for publicity, but that didn’t mesh with Iraq biggie Saddam Hussein, who had him killed faster than Gothika went to DVD. Talk about a celebrity catfight! Muqtada’s dad played with fire and lost, a decision worse than Apprentice Kwame’s idea to invite Omarosa back.
This son-of-a-gun laid low for a while until recluse Hussein split the scene, a la Billy Bob Thorton. But if Travolta can come back, anyone can come back, and now al Sadr’s on the scene with a vengeance not seen since the Tupac-Biggie wars. This is one Fight Club that even superstar Brad Pitt might not want to join!
Fashion police! The black turban al-Sadr wears has a special religious significance, and a lot of folks in his biz are madder than mad, claiming he doesn’t have the authority to wear it. Just imagine if Passion-ate Aussie Mel Gibson declared himself a Bishop and started issuing fatwas! It’s that kooky!
According to our sources in Sadr City (named after al-Sadr’s bigwig, dead dad) the brunt of his fan base is uneducated, armed to the teeth, and always up for a fight… so if you’re thinking P. Diddy’s entourage – so are we!
Still, al-Sadr is no J.Lo – insiders say he has a long way to go before he’s an A-lister, though he might be able to Paris Hilton his way into a party here and there on name alone. To the brunt of the Iraqi population he’s a wanna-be Cruise, but even more reckless than comedian Andy Dick. Not only that, but there’s a “capture-or-kill” policy on him that even Tommy Lee Jones would run away from!


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