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From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Us Weekly Visits The Fuhrerbunker

Usually it’s the Gestapo rapping their knuckles on your door, but this week Us was the one doing the knocking – and on the big, metal door belonging to none other than Adolf Hitler!
The Fuhrer invited us to join him on his special retreat as he takes a well-deserved break from his duties as leader of the Reich to spend some quality time with gorgeous and lively fiancée Eva Braun, best friend Blondi, and the usual entourage accorded the chief of a police state.

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“Honestly, I’m a little shy,” says the laid-back Austrian, “There’s nothing I like better than sitting in my little room with very thick walls, receiving reports on how great the war is going.”
Though suffering heavy losses in the two-front war he started, a confident Hitler tells Us the time is ripe for victory and that he’s right where he wants to be: in a bunker waiting for the imaginary Panzers under Gruppenfürer Steiner to rout the Soviets and win the war.
Hitler tells Us about the grand city that Berlin will become – a metropolitan masterpiece designed by heartthrob Albert Speer. “Wait ’til you see the Volkshalle!” he tells Us, “It will be incredible! INCREDIBLE! INCREDIBLE!”
His optimism is contagious. “There will be no Jews,” says Joseph Goebbels, his Propaganda Minister.

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Where does he get the boundless energy it takes to conquer the world? Friends say it’s his genuine love for the Fatherland, though a source close to Nazi doc Theodore Morell tells Us it might be a regimen of amphetamines and cocaine eyedrops. When an Us reporter mentions that rumor, Hitler laughs heartily before she is escorted upstairs to the leader’s beautifully landscaped schootingraunds.
When Us asks about his steamy underground romance, Hitler stays mum, but sources close to Us say something’s in the air and there could be exciting news any moment.
“The Soviets will be here in two days,” Martin Bormann tells Us, “Heil Hitler.”

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Previously

Defendant: Heavy.com, proud and apparently loaded Drudge Report sponsor. Count 1: [Dropped, due to clashing style manuals.] Count 2: Misdemeanor spelling: "tirade." Count 3: Exposing a large audience to grammatical mischief via high-traffic, over-glorified link site run by …

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