Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Understanding Your Cable Bill

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EQUIPMENT CHARGES
DVR Service Rental Fee
This is the charge for the Scientific Atlanta Digital Video Recorder that crashes every 3-6 months and erases all your programs.
HD Upgrade Fee
This is the charge for upgrading to the HD cable box that records your favorite programs in High Definition before crashing and erasing them.
Additional Converter Fee
This is the charge for the convenience of having additional cable boxes that can crash and erase your programs in different parts of the house.
Accessories Rental Fee
This is the monthly rental charge for the remote control that comes with your cable box. The remote allows you to control your cable box from the comfort of your sofa, unless the cable box is in the process of crashing, rebooting and erasing all your programs.
Service Protection Plan
This charge will keep us from charging you for coming out to replace the DVR when it crashes and erases all your programs.
TAXES AND FEES
Franchise Fee
This is the charge for being a customer of the only cable company you can be a customer of.
FCC Regulatory Fee
This charge helps the government protect you from nipples.
Access Fee
This charge insures that you have access to the cable programming you are paying to access.
Utility Tax
This charge improves your municipality, or the mayor of your municipality, depending on your municipality.
PACKAGES
Basic
Includes just enough programming to make you realize you need more packages.
Lonelyhearts Package
Includes SciFi, CatFancy, Friend On Demand and Nothing But Fuddruckers channel.
I Think My Wife Left Package
Includes ESPN, ESPN Classic, ESPN2, ESPN Latino, ESPN Classic Latino 2.
Original Programming Was Inspired By HBO Package
Includes Showtime.
I Will Watch Anything Package
Soap, QVC, HSN, Game Show Network, Video Feedback, TV Guide.
Electric Nanny Package
Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Please Stop Crying On Demand.


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