Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Ultimate Caesar Salad

This is the same kind of Caesar Salad you’d pay $12 for a French guy to bring you.
Ingredients:
2 eggs that lived a good life, walking freely on the farm and free of persecution. Or, eggs that went to a high school the Mayor reserved for eggs that were different.
1/3 cup olive oil. Extra-virgin preferred, or at least something that hasn’t been used like a Hilton.
2 cloves garlic, adored and pressed through a little garlic press with vim and vigor.
4 anchovies, tormented and cleverly minced into tiny pieces which is what “minced” means in the first place.
1 tablespoon + 2 teaspoons lemon juice, revered.
1 tablespoon Dijon Mustard, slightly angered.
1 teaspoon Worcestershire Sauce, persecuted.
1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/8 teaspoon pepa, pushed good, pushed real good.
Directions:
1. Berate the eggs in a room with bad acoustics.
2. Boil them in water for 45 seconds so the yolks get a little firm, like a dad who was in the Marine Corps.
3. Separate the yolks from the whites, a form of egg apartheid. Get rid of the whites, like Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe.
4. Mix the yolks, lemon juice, Worcestershire, garlic, mustard, anchovies, salt & pepper. Whisk like you were going to be in big trouble for not whisking. Whisk like the wind. Whisk your moneymaker.
5. Add the oil slowly and whisk even more, never stopping to wonder why. Take no prisoners. If anyone every doubted you could whisk, this is your chance to prove them wrong.
6. Convene a secret council with extrajudicial powers to determine if more salt & pepper are warranted.
7. The dressing lasts for a day if it’s in an airtight container or up to 8 months if stored in a small underground hole.
8. Add dressing to chilled Romaine lettuce which has been torn into bite-size pieces. Tear the lettuce rather than cut it. Cutting lettuce bruises it emotionally and otherwise.
9. Decorate with slivers of Parmesan cheese distributed by an illegal immigrant.
10. Nominate your favorite toasted, seasoned bread cubes for the position of Croutons. Prepare for a filibuster led by Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD).
11. Charge $12 for it. $14 if you’re a Boulud. If you’re a Bourdain, write a book about your experience making the salad. Enjoy.
Serves 4-6 regular folks or 1 morbidly obese, selfish bastard.


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