Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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This Monkey Means Love

rubber monkey.jpg
Honey, honey. Happy Anniversary. I bought you the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee. I love you.
Wait, don’t make a face like that. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “What will I do with an animatronic monkey?” “Why would you buy an animatronic monkey for my anniversary?” “What were you thinking when you purchased an animatronic monkey from the Sharper Image?”
Trust me, honey, there’s a reason I bought the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee. And never forget that I love you.
Honey, first of all, this is a Sharper Image Worldwide Exclusive. You can’t get it anywhere else. It’s unique. Just like the ball that said “Fuhgeddaboudit” when squeezed. But this is no talking squeeze-ball. It’s a life-like animated rubber bust of a chimpanzee that I suppose I’ll put on the table over there.
Honey, I love you. The Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee has four distinctive moods: “Curious”, “Happy”, “Fearful” and “Feisty” – so in many ways he’s just like me. When I’m away you can look at the rubber monkey bust on the table – or maybe bookshelf – and think of your husband and our love.
And when I get home, I can trigger the monkey’s moods with a remote control. It will be great, honey, because you can say something and I can tell you to look at the monkey to see how I feel about what you said. For example, when I come home with a $150 animatronic rubber monkey bust and place it on the table and you start cursing me, I can press the “Fearful” button. You will see the fear I feel, but you will see it expressed through the soulful eyes of a rubber chimp.
Honey, I don’t want you to think this is another pointless toy built by baffled Asians and destined for the attic. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is not Robosapien or a Lightsaber. This is a monkey, and we came from monkeys. His appearance is remarkably lifelike! Even the catalog will tell you it was painstakingly crafted to exacting standards. Do you have any idea how exacting the standards are for a rubber monkey head? Very. I’m sure of it.
I love you, honey. I think the Sharper Image “Alive” Chimpanzee is the ultimate anniversary gift. We’re going to learn together what it’s like to be in the presence of a chimpanzee. And his soulful eyes track movement, so as we walk around the living room together it will be like someone else, a rubber monkey, is experiencing our lives with us.
Best of all, for $29.95 the three-year replacement guarantee insures that our robotic chimp will be with us for at least three years. Looking down at us from the bookshelf, or maybe the table. Maybe the counter by the phone. He’ll be there, sensing our presence, twitching, reacting, surprising guests. It will be great, as long as we keep his batteries charged.
Happy anniversary, honey. I love you.
Look at the rubber monkey head. I’ll press the button to show you how happy I am.


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