Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Email

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.
Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.
Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident – a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo’s amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.
Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn’t have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.
For that reason, I am looking to spirit the funds out of the country. To do this I will require the assistance of a reliable party in your country – which is why I am contacting you and not an 18-year old hardcore hottie. In return for your assistance, I will offer 10% of the proceeds ($4.5 Million) and a chance to accept credit cards and enlarge your penis.
To properly execute this transaction I will require your complete cooperation and a Texas hold ’em poker face. You are known as someone who is trustworthy, with plenty of hot singles in your area looking for love. We believe you can help us get out of debt forever.
I await your contact at criminy.c@gmail.com but if you are unable to assist me, I ask that you erase all traces of this confidential, urgent message with the #1 spyware remover on the market.
I look forward to working with you more than a $99 Disney vacation.
Your good friend,
Ethics T. Foreclosure
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