Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Menu

The Return of Dr. Abu

After my initial Nigerian Email Experiment, I had lost contact with my friend Dr. Abu. The duration of the lapse was long enough that I figured he was gone. Moved on. Caught on to my whole Michael Bloomberg thing. The rambling responses I was sending him. The fact that I never gave him the telephone numbers he was looking for.
But no.
I received an email from him yesterday that totally caught me off guard. ironically, right after I had begun a new email experiment with a con artist in South Africa.
So Abu is back. The tale continues…


From: abu hassan
Subject: re:re: VERY URGENT
Date: 30 October 2003
DEAR FRIEND,
IT WELL NOW THAT YOUR FUND IS READY AND IT WILL BE SHIP OUT IN CASH TO HOLLAND BY THE END OF TODAY.
THE COMPANY INCHARGE OF THE FUND IS CALL OCEAN DIPLOMATIC COURIER AGENCY, THEY WILL BE MOVING THE CASH INTO A TRUNK BOX TO HOLLAND WHICH I HAVE GIVEN THEM YOUR PHONE AND CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS TO REACH YOU ON PHONE AS SOON AS THE CONSIGNMENT ARRIVE BY MONDAY.
PLEASE CO-OPERATE WITH THEM AS THE HEAD OF THE COMPANY IS CALL DR. RAJI WILLIAMS . HE WAS ASSIGNED BY THE CENTRAL BANK TO HEAD THE PAYMENT COMITTEE TO HOLLAND.
I SHALL WAIT TO RECEIVE ANY INFORMATION FROM THEM WHICH THEY WILL PASS TO YOU. PLEASE START PREPARING FOR YOUR TRIP TO HOLLAND AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU PAY THE FUND INTO THE BANKK ACCOUNT. AS SOON AS YOU BUY YOUR TICKET LET ME KNOW SO THAT I WILL FLY DIRECT TO HOLLAND FOR MY OWN SHARE.
REGARDS,
ABU HASSAN.

He’s back! I thought the jig was up. I was wrong. Now he’s allegedly going to Holland. We never even talked about Holland. All I can figure is that somehow he’s confused me for someone else who was falling for the con. Raji Williams will be contacting me? Great!
This arrives a few hours later:

From: abu hassan
Subject: re:VERY URGENT
Date: 30 October 2003
DEAR FRIEND,
THANKS FOR KEEPING YOU SO LONG WITHOUT GIVEN YOU THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE PAYMENT.
THE AUTHORITIES CONCERN FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUND HAS TOLD THAT THE FUND WILL BE SHIP OUT IN CASH TO HOLLAND THROUGH DIPLOMATIC SOURCE BY THE END OF TODAY, THE HEAD OF DIPLOMATIC COURIER AGENCY HEADED BY DR. RAJI WILLIAMS WILL GET IN CONTACT WITH YOU SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW WHEN TO ARRIVE HOLLAND TO PICK UP THE CASH.
INSTRUCTION: THE CASH WILL BE LOADED INSIDE TWO TRUNK BOXES AND A CODE WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU SO THAT WHEN YOU ARRIVE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFIED YOUR OWN CONSIGNMENT.
AS SOON AS THEY REACH YOU BY THE OFFICIALS WHEN THEY ARRIVE HOLLAND AMSTERDAM BY MONDAY, DO NOT HESITATE TO REACH ME AS I WILL LIKE TO JOIN YOU THERE AND RECEIVE THE FUND SO THAT WE CAN GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY AFTER WE RECEIVE THE FUND IN CASH.
THE OFFICIAL WILL HELP US TO OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT WITH THERE CONNECTION IN HOLLAND BANK AND GET THE FUND TRANFER INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
PLEASE CONTACT ME NOW ON THIS NUMBER 00234-**********. REMEMBER THIS NUMBER ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU DONT FORGET IT , IT’S ONLY NUMBER YOU CAN GET ME NOW.
THANKS
DR. ABU HASSAN

Okay, apparently I need to remember this number and always make sure I don’t forget it. Redundant, but whatever. Trunk boxes full of cash? Sounds great! He follows up the following morning, and now I have to wonder if he’s in fact screwing with me me too. It begins to get bizarre.

From: abu hassan
Subject: DEAR BROTHER I’M BACK TO THE COUNTRY
Date: 31 October 2003
DEAR FRIEND,
I FORGOT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE PERSON WHO WAS WRITTEN YOU SINCE ARE MY COLLEAGUE IN THE BUSINESS SINCE I WASN’T ARROUNT, NOW I’M IN THE COUNTRY TO PURSUE THE WHOLE TRANSFER AND SEE THAT EVERY THING WORK OUT FINE.
I ENJOYED MY TRIP TO PARIS AND THEY HAVE A NICE TOURIST CENTRES IN THERE EVERY WHERE IS SO CLEAN AND COOL. I SAW SOME HOTELS LIKE IBIS HOTEL , FUMULE 1 , ETAP HOTEL AND OTHER THING. I WILL LIKE US TO TRAVEL THERE AGAIN WHEN WE MEET IN HOLLAND FOR OUR FUND.
PLEASE LET HAVE A CODE WHEN I WRITE YOU , YOU SHOULD REMEMBER THAT MY ENGLISH AND MY COLLEAGUES OWN ARE NOT THE SAME.
OUR CODE FROM TODAY SHOULD BE [ MY BROTHER ] WHEN EVER YOU WRITE ME ADDRESS ME AS YOUR BROTHER.
MY DIRECT NUMBER IS 00234-**********. I WILL CALL YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS AFTER I MAKE SURE THAT THE CONSIGNMENT ARRIVE HOLLAND IN GOOD FAITH.
HOW IS WHEATHER OVER THERE ?
REGARDS,
YOURS BROTHER
DR. ABU HASSAN

This is awesome. He’s been to Paris – apparently that means he went to Expedia.com and threw the names of hotels at me. And now we have to use code name: Brother. His English and his collegues aren’t the same, whatever the hell that means. He also wants to know the weather. I need to get back to him, but before I can, another dispatch arrives:

From: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA THE GOVERNOR
Subject: VERY URGENT
Date: 31 October 2003
Attn:Michael Bloomberg,
This is to inform you that we have finaly move your fund to our offshore office in Amsterdam. you are hereby request to appear with the deposit certificate and airway bill of the shipment to Holland for pick up.
incase of any question, dont fail to contact this office for futher details.
your phone number is needed as the official will want to contact you by phone.
yours faithful,
CHIEF. KAYODE YALODE
ACCOUNTANT GENERAL

Good, he’s my faithful. Not only does “Central Bank of Nigeria The Governor” use Hong Kong’s equivalent of Yahoo! email, the email address is “josephsanusi@…” which seems odd since he’s claiming to be Kayode Layode, the “Accountant General.” Kudos to Kayode/Joseph for not using all CAPS like my pal Abu. I don’t understand why every subject header has to be “VERY URGENT” with these guys though.
A response is drafted and sent:

From: Michael Bloomberg
Subject: re: DEAR BROTHER I’M BACK TO THE COUNTRY
Date: 31 October 2003
Hello Brother(s)!
I must say I am very confused because I have received many emails from you and I do not totally understand what to do. Do I consider Mister Layode a brother too or only you Abu? This is one thing that confuses me, even though I am normally very good in business.
I understand we will meet in Holland to exchange the funds and finalize everything but I do not understand which Holland you are talking about. I will assume it is the Holland that is in Europe, yes? We have several states here in the United States that have Holland as the name. But I don’t think you mean Holland, Idaho because that is very far out of your way to have to go. They have great potatoes in Idaho. Idaho? Youdaho! (This is a joke we say).
I am able to get a very low cost ticket to London on Virgin (the airlines) and I can then hitchhike to Holland in France with your trunk boxes. I hope they are not very heavy because I have a limit to the amount of baggage I can bring back to the US when I return. Do you need the trunks back? Where did you get them. There was a sale at the Container Store and I can bring some more trunks if you would like them.
The weather here is a lovely 46 degrees (not Celcius!). I am wearing chaps and a wool hat today. Thank you for asking. How is the weather in your place? Cold?
Okay. I will try and call you now. I will say ‘Brother?’ and you can answer how you want because you told me this was the code system you would like to use. But I will say ‘brother’ several times until I am confident that it is you I am talking to ‘ so don’t think I am crazy when I call!
What hotel will we stay at in Holland? Are there movies in the room?
I am very excited! It makes me want to ban smoking in all the bars in the city and cause a 30% cut in the restaurant business! We should open a restaurant with all the money, no? Can you cook?
Your brother,
Brother (Michael Bloomberg)

Okay, I think Abu is catching on. He claims I’m “playing” him. The irony there, of course, is that he’s the frickin’ con man, not me. My failure to provide a contact phone number has aggravated him. I’m debating acquiring a disposable phone number in order to prolong the relationship. Or I could give him the number of a Blockbuster video and have the jig be up immediately:

From: abu hassan
Subject: VERY URGENT
Date: 1 November 2003
DEAR BROTHER,
PLEASE DONT MAKE ME FEEL YOU ARE PLAYING ME AS YOU HAVE NEVER WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THAT WE CAN TALK, WHAT ABOUT IF THE OFFICIALS ARRIVE HOLLAND IN EUROPE BY MONDAY HOW WOULD THEY GET INTOUCH WITH YOU.
AGAIN IF YOU FAIL TO GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER TO SUBMIT TO THEM I WILL TAKE IT AS IF YOU DONT WANT TO HELP ME RECEIVE THIS FUND . REMEMBER THAT YOUR NAME IS THE NAME IN THE CONTAINER THERE NOW SO YOU DONT HAVE TO WASTE TIME.
FOR CHIEF KAYODE, YOU DONT HAVE TO CALL HIM BROTHER SINCE IS NOT YOUR ASSOCIATE IN BUSINESS, HE’S ONLY ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OG THIS COUNTRY.
I REPEAT MY NUMBER IS 00234-**********. IF YOU LIKE CALL ME IF YOU DONT LIKE FORGET IT.
BYE.
ABU HASSAN

This was sadly our last correspondence. Although this guy is obviously busy conning a few folks at the same time, and he’s prone to confusing the cons, so I think I could pop back into his life again in short order.


Previously

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming today. I wasn't a close friend of Charles. He didn't have many close friends, I think. But fortunately this church wasn't too far from where I live so I …

Next

Like many folks, I am annoyed by loud, one-sided mobile phone conversations conducted by individuals around me on sidewalks, in restaurants, department stores and the doctor's office. At the very least, it's discourteous to hoot …

Here are links to things

Follow Brian on Twitter and wait with bated breath for some witty observation about the weather, or baristas.

TV/Hosting Agent

Mark Turner/Alison SfassAbrams Artists Agency
275 Seventh Ave., 26th floor
New York, NY 10001
(646) 486-4600

Literary Agent

Sara CroweHarvey Klinger Agency
300 West 55th Street
Suite 11V
New York NY 10019
(212) 581-7068

Banterist is licensed under a Creative Commons License. © 2003-2015 Brian Sack. All rights reserved. Design by nLight