Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Nigerian Email Experiment, Part II

Incredibly, my correspondence with the Nigerian scam artist goes on.
So far, Dr. Abu has continued relentlessly to press me for my bank account information, claiming that he wants to wire $35 million into it for safekeeping. I continue to stall, trying everything possible to milk the comedic value out of this cow.
Even the most non-sensical dialogue seems to go right over the head of the good Doctor. Besides the fact I’m using the name “Michael Bloomberg” and ending letters with nonsense like “Praises and Yogurt!” he somehow doesn’t realize there’s a game being played at his expense.


If you’re not familiar with the first part of this story, I recommend Part I
Otherwise, read on!

So far, Abu and I have been going back and forth working out the details of the transaction. He’s been asking for my phone number, fax number, and bank account numbers. He claims he’ll be going to Paris so we need to wrap things up.


From: abu hassan
Date: 10/17/03
Subject: re: VERY URGENT
DEAR FRIEND,
I’M ALRADY LATE I WILL BE REACING YOU FROM PARIS WHEN I ARRIVE WHY YOU CHOOSE NOT TO GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER / THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU WHEN I ARRIVE.
I HAVE SUBMITTED YOUR FILE WITH THE APPLICATION FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR FUND TO THE OFFICE OF ACCOUNTANT GENERAL CALL CHIEF KAYODE YALODE.
WHAT EVER THEY ASK YOU TO DO PLEASE FOLLOW IT UP TILL I COME BACK TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE RECEIVE THE FUND IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
REGARDS,
ABU HASSAN

An “official” email arrives. My favorite part about this is that the “Federal Ministry of Finance” uses the equivalent of Yahoo email. That, and the fob can’t write or use punctuation.


From: “FEDERALMINISTRYOFFINANCE PAYMENTOFFICE”
Date: 10/17/03
Subject: application/acknowledgement
From the federal ministry of finance
head of international remmittance office
accountant general officer.
Tel:00234-1-*******
ATTN:: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
sir,
appliction was made to this office by the Chairman of Contract Award Committee on foreign payment investigation panel of Nigeria headed by DR.ABU HASSAN. That you have outstanding fund OF US$35M under the contract number 045/nnpc-wr-kd/99 which is to be approve by this office to enable the appex bank credit your bank account.i urged you to wait so that his office will treat your file according to the rule of this government before we finaly advice you on how you will receive your us$35m into your bank account.
please forward your fax number to this email address so that i will fax you the release copy of your approval when the investigation must have been completed.
yours faithfully,
CHIEF. KAYADE LAYODE
Accountant General officer
federal ministry of finance.
N/B:please confirm if this understated bank account which
was submitted to this office is correct for transfer to your bank account.
Washington Mutual
2212-8172-69-122
Benef:Michael Bloomberg
New York

At this point, I feel like the jig could be up any time. I opt to stall as much as possible and have decided that I need not be subtle.

From: Michael Bloomberg
Date: 10/19/03
Subject: re: re: VERY URGENT
Hi Apu!
I’m sorry I have been negligent in returning your message. I have to admit I was slow in part to the fact that my brother Blobar had a hard time believing that this was a proper and legal arrangement. I spent a good amount of time talking with him and trying to reassure him that everything was okay and that my friend Abu has it all under control (you do, yes?).
Anyway, now I have Blobar’s blessing and he thinks it is a good idea to provide my bank account number to a total stranger from Nigeria.
I tried to call your friend on the phone number you gave me but the number was strange and when the person answered they sounded like they might be from Belgium or perhaps Florida. But they definitely did not sound like they were from Nigeria because they did not have a Spanish accent so I hung up the phone before they said “Hello.” Did I make a mistake? I am good in business.
Anyway, the Washington Mutual account is ready but no one had called me on the phone number I gave you. I have noticed a pattern that you do not answer any of my questions. Are you too busy? Sometimes I feel like you just like me for my bank account and not for the friendship. But maybe I am being too insecure.
You would like me in Badminton. I can play very well! I had dinner a few weeks ago with supermodel Heidi Klum. She is very nice but can not use a disposable camera well. You can imagine the photos!
Couplings,
Michael Bloomberg
New York

And a quick follow-up, for good measure.

From: Michael Bloomberg
Date: 10/19/03
Subject: re: re: VERY URGENT
Oh yes,I forget: Please enjoy Paris! The French are lovely people. There is a MacDonalds near Trafalgar square that has AMAZING French fries.
Bannister,
Michael Bloomberg
New York

We lost touch, I assumed Abu long gone, then suddenly:
The Return of Dr. Abu


Previously

The Battle of Geddy Lee The Frowning Upon of Sir Henry Cromwell of Hinchinbrook, 1588 Massacre of the Not-So-Innocents Martin's Theory of Recently Printed Matter Drying Much Quicker When You Wave It Around The Stiffing of Beer Hall Putsch …

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