Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Menu

The Craigslist Euthanist Theory

THEORY
A public job listing for an animal euthanist will go over poorly.


SCIENTIFIC STUDY
1:17 PM – The following is posted in the Jobs section of Craigslist:
Seeking Experienced Euthanist for Animal Facility
New Jersey animal science facility seeks an experienced Euthanist. You should be skilled in euthanizing not only standard test dogs and cats, but also horses, pigs, rabbits, monkeys and various rodentia, some birds. If you do not have this experience we will be willing to provide training to an individual with the right qualifications.
This is a full-time job with health benefits. You should be prepared to euthanize 50-250 animals per week, depending on current testing conditions. Please be prepared for this – our last three euthanists have been unable to perform to our standards.
Please send resume and salary requirements. Thank you.

1:45 PM – Email Received:
Greetings….
Could you please consider me for ‘ANY’ job on full time/part time/project basis.
I have been working as a data entry/bookeeping clerk and a website developer for over five years.
If I am not fit for the job posted by you then kindly consider me for any other opening.
My rates are:
$5.00/hour for contract job
$120/week for part time service and
$259/week for full time service (8 hrs)
I can only telecommute, as I am physically disabled and is located “FAR AWAY” from your place.
I am equipped with a Pentium IV PC and 24 hours net connection.
If you have a computer microphone then you can give me dictation to type.

2:02 PM – Someone posts the listing in the “Pets” forum.
“Did you SEE THIS???”

3:03 PM – Email Received
YOUR FAMILIES SHOULD BE EUTHANIZED!
You disgusting excuse for a human being.

3:10 PM – Someone posts the listing in the “Pets” forum.
“Attention all animal lovers…”

3:11 PM – Email Received
how horrific. please stop this animal testing. be kind.

3:19 PM – Email Received
what are the qualifications, ice water for blood?

3:26 PM – Email Received
This ad is very upsetting for any animal lovers. I would remove it if I were you. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

3:44 PM – Email Received
I am very interested in this job. I have many years of experience as a med tech taking blood from humans in a human hospital and am sure that I can perform the necessary work needed to facilitate your research regarding the proper humane discard of animals.

5:00 PM – Email Received
Good Afternoon
I just came across your ad on Criagslist seeking an experienced euthanist for animals for your company. I am experienced in working in an animal hospital where I assisted in euthanasia procedures on a constant level. I was employed there for over 2 years. I enjoyed my work immensely and wish to return to this line of work. Many may call me morbid for enjoying euthanasia procedures, but I explain it like this. An animal in pain or suffering should be given the mercy of peace by euthanasia. I would truly like to be considered for this position and would like very much to be trained to properly perform up to your company’s standards.

5:29 PM – Email Received
You’re disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves

5:38 PM – Post “flagged and removed” by users of Craigslist.

RESULTS OF STUDY
Lifespan of job posting: 4 hours 21 minutes
Summary: There is sufficient reason to believe that job listings for Animal Euthanists are not popular, and most likely will not be productive.
However, even a nauseating job listing will attract some interest from Indian guys offering to work for $5 an hour or job-seeking Sodium Penobarbitol enthusiasts.
Furthermore, it is apparent that the Craigslist community is somewhat censorious, and will vote to remove a job listing for a job they do not agree with, even though it may be a legitimate listing.


Previously

Complaint: Misdemeanor misuse of a homophone - "principle" when "principal" was called for; transfer of error on to a vinyl banner; mounting banner in a window with significant vehicular and pedestrian exposure. Defendant: City Connections Realty, …

Next

"Vote? Sheee, I can't even vote on what I'm gonna have for dinner." -Gentleman's response to a 42nd Street voter registration team "Am I going to be rich when I get older?... My sources say no. …