Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Cons of November

In the month of November alone, I received 26 solicitations from con-men seeking an ‘extremely urgent’ form of ‘business partnership.’ The nature of the partnership is that I would provide my bank account information to complete strangers who would then wire me millions of dollars from which I would get a percentage.
You would think that this was an incredibly obvious scam. Just like I don’t need gaydar to see that Liza Minelli married a homosexual, I need not have a Harvard PhD to see the amazing implausibility of this arrangement. But apparently it’s not obvious to everyone. The fact that they keep trying means it occasionally works, and that’s as amazing as it is troubling.
The Feds call it the ‘419’ in reference to the Nigerian legal code it falls under. I didn’t realize Nigeria had a legal code, so kudos to Nigeria – one step closer to civilization.
Not only is the 419 going strong, but more countries are getting in on the action, so it’s become a criminal franchise of sorts. Like an evil McDonalds. Or a more evil McDonalds, depending on how you feel about McDonalds.
After I tallied it all up, in the month of November alone I was offered a piece of over $601.6 Million Dollars of money that would have been considered ill-begotten or shady, if it actually existed. Not bad for a day’s not work.


Total of all fake deals offered me: Over $601.6 million (some did not disclose total cash amounts).
Most lucrative fake deal: $126 Million
Most piddling fake deal: $4.4 Million
Least descriptive fake deal: ‘some funds’
Favorite deal add-on: ‘10% of all kick-backs’
Favorite scammer fake name: Bello Bello
Least believable scammer name: Prince Douglas
Favorite African Dictator name-drop: Charles Taylor
Country where most scams originated: Nigeria
Most surprising new scammer locale: Dublin, Ireland
Most get-to-the-point message subject: ‘SACK. REPLY!’
Most pathetic message subject: ‘Please Help Us’
November’s 419 Contenders:
Name: Ofori Johnson
Subject: Urgent Need
Origin: Monrovia, Liberia
Job: Aide to ex-President Charles Taylor
Amount: ‘some funds’
Outro: ‘Sincerely yours’
Name: James Kola
Subject: GOOD DAY, HELP
Origin: Lagos, Nigeria
Job: Bank Manager
Amount: $15 Million
Outro: ‘Regards’
Name: Kenneth Philip
Subject: HELLO
Origin: Dublin, Ireland
Job: unstated
Amount: $13.45 Million
Outro: ‘Regards’
Name: Richard Cole
Subject: INVESTMENT
Origin: Mauritus
Job: Chairman of Contract Award and Monitoring Committee of the Ministry of Industry and International Trade Development
Amount: $21.8 Million
Outro: ‘Best regards’
Name: Abimbola Moralayo
Subject: Business Proposal
Origin: Nigeria
Job: Lawyer
Amount: $41.5 Million
Outro: ‘Thanks and regards’
Name: Dr. Sue Benard
Subject: Strictly Confidential
Origin: Johannesburg, South Africa
Job: Chief Auditor, ABSA Bank
Amount: $126 Million
Outro: ‘Best regards’
Name: John Nasar
Subject: YOUR ATTENTION IS HIGHLY NEEDED
Origin: Federal Republic of Togo
Job: Chairman, Contract-Awarding Committee
Amount: $26 Million
Outro: ‘I am waiting for your reply.’
Name: Dr. Jude Awka
Subject: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
Origin: Nigeria
Job: Manager, Continental Trust Bank
Amount: $22.2 Million
Outro: ‘Regards’
Name: Serena Jones
Subject: CHARITY SUPPORT
Origin: Ivory Coast
Job: Wife of ‘Dr. Harry Jones’
Amount: $10 Million
Outro: ‘Yours in Christ’
Name: Santos Joe
Subject: Please Help Us
Origin: Abidjan
Job: ‘son of late Mr. & Mrs. Santos William’
Amount: $4.4 Million
Outro: ‘Thanks and God bless you’
Name: Sisulu Lekota
Subject: PROJECT
Origin: Johannesburg, South Africa
Job: Manager, Operations Portfolio, Atlantic Finance
Amount: 21.85 Million English Sterling
Outro: ‘Thanks and regards’
Name: Prince Douglas
Subject: ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION
Origin: unstated
Job: Chairman, tender Board of the Independent National Electoral Commission
Amount: $50 Million
Outro: ‘Thank you for your anticipated co-operation’
Name: Steve Movette
Subject: BUSINESS CONCERN
Origin: Zambia
Job: Board of Contract Award and Monitoring Committee of the Zambian Ministry of Mining and Resources.
Amount: $30.5 Million
Outro: ‘Thank you and God bless as I await your urgent response’
Name: Philip Blah
Subject: GREETINGS’
Origin: Liberia
Job: ‘son of Moses Blah’, exiled Congo VP
Amount: $12.5 Million
Outro: ‘Yours Faithfully’
Name: Prince James Jr.
Subject: THIS IS FOR YOU
Origin: Liberia
Job: Personal Assistant to Charles Taylor, exiled President
Amount: $15.6 Million
Outro: ‘Thanks for your cooperation’
Name: Bello Bello
Subject: SACK. REPLY!
Origin: Lagos, Nigeria
Job: Federal Ministry of Health & Social Services
Amount: $27.5 Million
Outro: ‘Sincerely’
Name: Larry Moore
Subject: LARRY MOORE
Origin: Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Job: Merchant
Amount: undisclosed
Outro: ‘God be with you’
Name: Mr. John Kelu
Subject: ASKING FOR YOUR HELP: mail
Origin: Benin Republic
Job: ‘in hiding’
Amount: ‘millions of US dollars’
Outro: ‘Thanks while waiting for your immediate reply’
Name: Wang Qin
Subject: I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE
Origin: Hong Kong
Job: Credit Officer, Hang Seng Bank
Amount: $28 Million
Outro: ‘Thanks and regards’
Name: Frank Ogbuagu
Subject: Request for a professional business relationship
Origin: Lagos, Nigeria
Job: Director of Project, Chairman, Contract Reviewing and Recommendation Committee
Amount: $45 Million
Outro: ‘Yours faithfully’
Name: Luis De Cosa
Subject: Beneficiary
Origin: Angola
Job: Solicitor At Law
Amount: $5.5 Million
Outro: ‘Best regards’
Name: Luther Bulawa
Subject: Business assistance
Origin: Zimbabwe
Job: ‘son of Steve Bulawa Zhiri’, murdered farmer
Amount: $12.5 Million
Outro: ‘Sincerely’
Name: Engineer Paul Bello
Subject: Urgent Business Need.
Origin: undisclosed
Job: Project Manager, Federal Ministry of Works and Housing
Amount: 10% of all ‘kick-backs’
Outro: ‘Best regards’
Name: Joshua Dagoyaro
Subject: RE: please, you have to respond immediately
Origin: Nigeria
Job: undisclosed
Amount: $18.5 Million
Outro: ‘Best regards’
Name: Mishak Wylie
Subject: REGARDS
Origin: Lagos, Nigeria
Job: Solicitor
Amount: $15 Million
Outro: ‘Yours sincerely’
Name: Chief Blessed Itego
Subject: urgent attention
Origin: Nigeria
Job: Nigerian Chamber of Commerce
Amount: $24 Million
Outro: ‘Yours Faithfully’


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