Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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The Breast That Launched A Thousand Queries

My mother died in 1983, long before the internet ever existed as a public resource. At that time I was far too young, too hyperactively scattered, and probably too weird for her to ever predict what I might one day grow up to be.
For certain, she had absolutely no idea that some day her first son would become the #1 resource for any human who typed ‘nipplegate’ into Google. Worldwide.
It’s a bittersweet achievement for me. Mom will never know that ‘nipplegate’ information seekers from all over the planet are finding Banterist has been declared the world’s foremost resource on Janet Jackson’s tit. Thanks to whatever top-secret mathematical formula Google has put together, if it’s about Nipplegate, then Banterist is apparently the answer. For the time being, anyway.
I may be usurped later, but for now the glory is mine. All mine. You can never take that away, which is potentially sad.
As the current #1 answer to the question ‘Nipplegate’ I wanted to let you foreigners know that the jig is up. You scold us, mock us, tell us that only Americans would get so carried away with a naked boob. You tell us that you and your countrymen are above it all. Well, I have proof to the contrary. Liars.
I know for a fact that a goodly portion of the planet wants to know more about that breast. That dark-areolaed, starfish-pastied breast. I know, because at this moment I man the toll booth on the road to that information. I’m like the overpaid union booth worker, sucking on carbon monoxide fumes and welcoming you to Nipplegateinformationland. By virtue of the power bestowed on me by Google, I am the Nipplegate-keeper.
But, instead of looking back over my shoulder to read your license plates as you head in, I need only flip through the referral logs to know from whence you came.
Hello Dutch people. You’re #1.
After America, you Netherlanders lead the pack. You’re #1 in the international quest for more information on Nipplegate. That quest has brought you right here, to Banterist. Welcome. I’ve been to Amsterdam. Once I bought a stolen bike for $5 from a drug addict there. Interesting city. I’m not a big fan of burly African whores, but I admire your libertarian attitude.
Belgium is next, at #2.
Lots of Belgians coming to Banterist to get their Nipplegate fix. I have to say, I’m a little surprised you’ve made #2. I’ve been to Brussels. Can’t say I remember anything other than an Irish friend who worked for the European Union and a Cambodian guy ironing his shirt for about a nickel. What Brussels lacks in excitement it makes up for in blandness. I hear Bruges is nice. Never made it there. Regardless, I must respect any tri-lingual culture that adores drunk monks and the fruity beer they make.
The Germans are the #3 nipplegate-interested culture.
I like Germans. They’re goofy and well-educated and have strange obsessions with sex that border on creepy. Sex is fun, yes? I like sex! Do you like sex? It’s fun, yes? Yes, fun! Sex! My brother and I met Germans many years ago at a hostel near Galway, Ireland. As our German bunkmates drifted off to sleep, we whispered ‘Please don’t kill us” Repeatedly. You could do that back then. And it was funny. They read comic books and shared delicious Mettwurst sausage with us. Good times. I’m not surprised the Germans rank #3, though I am surprised that they’re not higher than the Belgians.
Canada is #4.
My first visit to Canada was only last year. I love Montreal. Charming, colorful, and home to a variety of new internet pornographers with accents. Canada’s dollar is even lower than the US dollar so they can’t go anywhere, except maybe Argentina, Haiti, or Burma. That explains why so many Canadians are sitting at home in their skivvies typing ‘nipplegate’ into Google. And finding me.
India is #5.
Good people, Indians. In fact, I probably talked to one of you last week when I called Microsoft about my defective Xbox. We use a doctor from India. She’s lovely. No sense of humor, as I’ve learned too often, but a great doctor. She hates cats, with no apologies. I’m kind of surprised to find you here, India. I think it’s because of Gandhi, but I kind of expected more. Shame on you.
France is #6.
Of course France is represented. If there are breasts, there’s a Frenchman skulking around the corner, waiting to pounce when the husband goes to pee. Why are there more Indians than French looking for Nipplegate information? Because there are more Indians than French.
Australia, #7.
Australians are nuts. I’ve watched them throw each other through walls. They’re like insane Scotsmen, but their ancestors were caught. I’ve been wanting to go to Australia ever since Paul Hogan made those shit movies, became famous, dumped the wife and mother of his kids for a Hollywood floozy, and pimped Subaru as he disappeared into oblivion. Now the Aussies come here, because I am the Nipplegate-keeper.
Austria is #8.
Germany Lite. Last time I was there it was mushroom season. Everything was made out of mushrooms. Delicious mushrooms. Does your digestive system have a problem with mushrooms? Mine apparently did. Welcome Austrians, and for God’s sake put some air conditioning in the bars.
UK, #9.
I’m a little surprised. Don’t you guys like boobs more than that? They’re in the newspapers, they’re on Benny Hill. Is it possible you’ve been saturated by too many boobs? Honestly, I thought I’d find a lot more Britons seeking information on Nipplegate. If not out of genuine interest, then to at least to take your minds off of your awkward bisexual prince.
Singapore, #10.
All I can say is I’m sure saying ‘nipple’ is illegal in Singapore, because everything is illegal in Singapore. I’d hate for any of you to get a governmental ass-whacking on my behalf. However, many of you have expressed an interest in Nipplegate and have found your way here. Welcome. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new movement?
Oh, I could go on.
Sweden, Malaysia, Finland, Poland, New Zealand, Turkey, Spain, Italy, United Arab Emirates, Switzerland, Chile, Brazil, Hong Kong, Mexico, Taiwan and Czech Republic ‘ welcome to all of you. I hope you found what you were looking for. Even if you didn’t, rest assured that no matter what you were actually hoping to find when you entered ‘nipplegate’ into Google ‘ it’s bound to be out there somewhere.
Until your search takes you elsewhere, a hearty welcome to all you breast-obsessed freaks, foreign and domestic.


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