Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Superficial Voter’s Guide – NYC 2005

MAYORAL CANDIDATES

Bloomberg.jpg

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
"Republican"

Looks a little like you’ve been confronted by a mob of angry smokers, but it definitely says you’re the boss.

 

Ferrer.jpg

FERNANDO FERRER
Democrat

History is filled with mustachioed politicians, but they rose to power through revolution, putsch or brutality. That’s not coming through here.

 

Ognibene.jpg

THOMAS V. OGNIBENE
Conservative

He’s got the conservative look down. In New York City. Sure to take the Lower East Side by squall.

 

Blum.jpg

SETH BLUM
Education Party

What’cha got in there Seth?

 

Gronowicz.jpg

ANTHONY GRONOWICZ
Green

A party with a one-note platform is slightly absurd, but I can picture you angry over a wounded Spruce. Sold.

 

Silk.jpg

AUDREY SILK
Libertarian

Yearbook committee called. Wants photo back.

 

McMillan.jpg

JIMMY McMILLAN
Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Voter intimidation only works if you’re standing in the booth with us.

 

nophoto.jpg

MARTIN G. KOPPEL
Socialist Workers Party

Can’t be bothered to supply a profile or a photo. Must be busy teaching film.

 

WINNER: BLOOMBERG
RUNNER-UP: GRONOWICZ

 

PUBLIC ADVOCATE

 

Gotbaum.jpg

BETSY F. GOTBAUM
Democrat

May I advocate a new photographer?

 

nophoto.jpg

JAY GOLUB
Democrat

A dentist running against an entrenched incumbent from his own party. Guess I would have skipped the photo too.

 

Lesczynski.jpg

JIM LESCZYNSKI
Libertarian

"And if I win, y’all are invited over for mama’s Crazy Pudding."

 

nophoto.jpg

BERNARD GOETZ
Rebuild Party

Goetz, party of one, your table is ready.

 

WINNER: GOTBAUM
RUNNER-UP: LESCZYNSKI

 

COMPTROLLER

 

Thompson.jpg

WILLIAM C. THOMPSON JR.
Democrat

Nice. Serious. In front of a public building. I trust you to do whatever comptrollers do.

 

nophoto.jpg

HERBERT F. RYAN
Conservative

Didn’t provide a profile or a photo. Must really want to win.

 

Moore.jpg

RON MOORE
Libertarian

Christ Ron. Look like you want to woo voters, not sauté them.

 

nophoto.jpg

DANIEL B. FEIN
Socialist Workers Party

Workers Unite! And get your lazy candidates to submit photos and profiles.

 

WINNER: THOMPSON
RUNNER-UP: No.

 

MANHATTAN BOROUGH PRESIDENT

 

Popik.jpg

BARRY POPIK
Republican & Liberal Parties

The suit says republican and the hair says liberal. Nicely done, you paradox.

 

Stringer.jpg

SCOTT STRINGER
Democrat

Are you sure you’re not the republican? Are you pulling a reverse-Bloomberg?

 

Fields.jpg

JESSIE A. FIELDS
Independence Party

A little flare in the glasses your photographer might have noticed, but it’s friendly and down to earth. Good.

 

Dobrian.jpg

JOSEPH L. DOBRIAN
Libertarian

Strike Three for the Libertarians. I’m not canceling my subscription to Reason, but I give up.

WINNER: FIELDS
RUNNER-UP: STRINGER


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