Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Six Petty Squabbles That Destroyed Mega Force

Mega Force was the most elite unit of the Galactic Army. They prepared for duty with very intense training and enjoyed state-of-the-art equipment. Their members were hailed as heroes in all corners of the universe. Mega Force was disbanded in 2134 because of internal bitching.
The issues:
Laser Beam Sounds
Members of Mega Force could not agree on a sound for their laser beams. Several fought to change the existing laser beam sound from the traditional high-pitched Cheew-Cheew sound to a lower-range Byoo-Byoo sound. This ongoing dispute diverted time and energy that would have otherwise been devoted to more worthy projects – such as keeping Station Beta from being destroyed.
The Patch
Lt. Danté felt the cursive font on the Mega Force patch was messy and that it looked like it said “Mega Fonce.” He wouldn’t let up for three weeks until finally HQ agreed to change the font. When the Tioks attacked New France, everyone’s uniform was in the shop having the patches replaced. By the time they got their new patches sewn on, thousands were dead and everyone was mad at Mega Force. People said they wished the Mega Fonce guys had come instead, because they were faster.
Frivolous Claims
Farschanth translator Captain T’ung was forced to spend three months defending against allegations of sexual harassment from Betty Po despite the fact the Farschanth are genderless and born from fibrous husks.
Sgt. Baker’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Sgt. Baker was teased mercilessly because he would not operate the teleporter until Mega Force members were standing on the teleport pad according to height, name and birthday. Because Mega Force members wouldn’t cooperate, often times it took 40 minutes to get to the planet surface – at which time most hostages were usually dead.
Failure to Scramble
Dispatch Officer Porter refused to call the Advanced Tactical Spacefighter by its proper name, so no one knew what he meant when he said “Launch the dildo boat.”
Lieutenants Brandon and Barnschweiger
Brandon and Barnschweiger tied up the secure communications link calling each other “bitch” for twelve minutes, so nobody heard the message from CENTCOM telling everyone to look out for the supernova.


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