Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself

“My client professes his innocence. And when I look in the mirror and
see his eyes, I just have to believe him.”
“The facts, which I will present to you, will show that the defendant
is not guilty. My client was nowhere near the scene of the crime. My
client was where I was, obviously, because he is me, and I’m definitely
aware of our whereabouts that night.”
“Truth be told, no one knows what really happened that night. Except me
and my client.”
“I have been accused of a terrible crime. This frightens me both as a
defendant and a lawyer. I don?t want to go to jail, and I’d hate to
lose my first case.”
“When all is said and done, you will have to take all the evidence and
go into the room back there, talk about it, and decide amongst
yourselves on a verdict and whatnot. Right?”
“I want you to take a good, hard look at my client. I want you to ask
yourself if he could be capable of such a heinous crime. But I don’t
want you to take that long, hard look just yet because it will distract
me and I’m not finished talking.”
My first piece published by McSweeney’s


Previously

Complaint: Misdemeanor spelling of food product. Defendant: Street vendor outside American Stock Exchange Report: Officer was giddy over the discovery of incorrect punctuation on an American Stock Exchange doorway when he discovered street vendor peddling improperly named …

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