Saddam’s Interrogation Logs

Interrogation commenced: 0735 hours
Colonel Beckwith and I decided to play Good Cop/Bad Cop again. I came into the room as Bad Cop and yelled at SH. He immediately laughed at me because last week when I came in I was Good Cop and had given him a sandwich. I tried to play it off that I had some heartburn and was still Good Cop but “just a little cranky.” Colonel Beckwith tried to cover for me by entering the room as Bad Cop and yelling, but that didn’t seem to work either. SH muttered something but wouldn’t say what.
Interrogation terminated: 0749 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1430 hours
I tried to break the will of SH by showing him an Iraqi newspaper editorial calling for his trial and punishment. SH told me that our Psychological Ops folks obviously printed a fake newspaper. I told him I swore that I bought the paper at an off-base coffee house. He insisted it was a fake. I told him I crossed my heart. He said he did not believe me. I asked him what I needed to do to prove to him that it was a real newspaper and he suggested taking him to the off-base coffee house to see it first-hand. I asked, but Gen. Farley said absolutely no way. SH didn’t say anything else aside from asking how much my PsyOps newspaper subscription cost and if there were any PsyOps coupons in it. I asked where the WMD were and he suggested I look in my copy of “PsyOps Weekly.”
Interrogation terminated: 1540 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0330 hours
Woke SH quite early to catch him off-guard and groggy. I asked “What’s your first name?” and he said “Saddam.” Again I asked, “What’s your first name?” and he said “Saddam.” I kept asking “What’s your first name?” and he kept saying “Saddam.” Once I had a rhythm going, I quickly asked “Where are the WMD?” and he said “Saddam.”
Interrogation terminated: 0338 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2210 hours
I played chess with SH, who is not too bad a chess player. At one point, my Bishop took his Rook. I told him that in the U.S. when you lose your Rook to a Bishop it is customary to divulge a little personal secret, like maybe where the WMD are. He said we weren’t in the U.S., then he took my pawn with the horse piece.
Interrogation terminated: 0122 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2000 hours
I told SH that we would be paid a visit by Baghdad’s longest-running improvisational comedy troupe, and that they often ask for audience suggestions. I had one of the “players” ask SH for the name of something you’d return to a department store. He said “pliers.” They did a quick scene about returning pliers, and then another “player” asked for a geographic location where one might hide WMDs. SH was quiet for a long time, and so I suggested Wal-Mart.
Interrogation terminated: 0122 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1241 hours
After lunch, SH informed us he was willing to talk. Colonel Beckwith and I sat down with him. He spoke for quite some time and answered every question fully. We believe we have made great progress and we are researching the data.
Interrogation terminated: 1551 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0940 hours
Colonel Beckwith and I told SH that we didn’t think it was particularly funny that he had us looking for “Monkey Valley” and the “Camel Ass Testing Facility” when it turned out there were no such locations. Also, we told him we were unable to verify the existence of Mohammad Mohahaha and we do not believe his claims of having built an “Indfidel Ray.” We told him as a result of our disappointment, we would be denying his TV access. He said TV sucks anyway because they don’t sing about him anymore.
Interrogation terminated: 1100 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0250 hours
I roused SH from his slumbers and told him Tariq Aziz was on the phone and wanted to know where the Vx gas was. Didn’t bite.
Interrogation terminated: 0252 hours

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Premiered on McSweeney’s, 4/20/04.
Longer version commissioned by The Independent (UK), 7/29/04