Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Report to Shareholders

dooropen.jpg
I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.
Our earnings in 2004 reflect our commitment to a proactive and aggressive policy of standing outside the 14th Street Chase Bank and holding the door for people.
I credit our success to a simple and effective business model: Hold the door open for people leaving and entering the bank, because that’s where the money’s at.
Last year’s growth trend was no accident, and can be attributed to the fact that by standing in the same place every day during bank hours, we created a rapport with people entering and leaving the building. In other words, we built our brand, and in this business brand is everything. This is in direct contrast to our operations during the previous years in which we wandered dazed and bleeding down 2nd Avenue on an irregular basis.
As evidenced by last year’s outstanding performance, the one-location business model is a key to success in our industry.
In addition to optimizing our location, we introduced our new tagline: Please help me. We noticed a marked difference in returns after the introduction of Please help me, and have permanently phased out Quarter Quarter Quarter which, frankly, was never much of a focus group darling.
In the year ahead we will have our challenges, to be certain. There’s a pregnant teen outside Emack & Bolio’s seeking our clients. There’s been some hostility with the bank management. And I am bleeding. But these are all things that can be worked out.
Frankly, I am not concerned. We have the savvy and reputation that others in our industry lack. And we provide a valuable door-holding experience that Shrieking Pete does not.
I look forward to the year ahead. Under my stewardship I believe we can expect Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries to grow even more. I’m proud of where we are today, and I have you to thank for it.
Please help me,
Tavis E. Williams
Chairman and CEO
Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries


Previously

DONOVAN BLAINE (Dr. Morganville) is forty six and hates life. His fucking friend Lee got a fucking role on the fucking Sopranos and that's bullshit because it should have gone to him. Things haven't turned …

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