Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Professor Morley’s Scientific Conclusions Regarding Bees

bees.jpg
When bees fight back and sting, they die. Therefore, every living bee is a non-confrontational dandy.
If a bee faces an obstacle in the acquisition of food, such as choosing between pressing a red or green button, the bee will starve to death.
When a bee is placed in a complicated maze the bee will fly out of the maze and go home.
Bees have the same negative reaction to being swatted as a water buffalo does, though they suffer disproportionate physical consequences.
Bees are drawn towards vacuums and repelled by fans.
An adult bee of average weight and size and a sickly dwarven bee will both succumb to hammer blows.
Bees become agitated if you punch their hive. Agitated bees can not tell the difference between the individual who assaulted their hive and the innocent 10-year old boy chained in the corner of the laboratory.
Bees are attracted to and die from Fly Tape, even though it is not for them.
When exposed to the vacuum of outer space, bees lose consciousness and float away in a random pattern.
Bees are not carb-conscious.
A bee can not support the weight of a portrait of Harriet Tubman.
A bee kept under a glass will die of either boredom or hunger. Not sure which.
If you place a tracking collar on a bee, the bee will not go anywhere, rendering the tracking collar pointless.
The Queen bee is the most valuable member of the hive. If the Queen is killed, and you pin the blame on Timmy, the bees will be enraged at him.
Bees have no concept of “mercy” and will continue stinging Timmy despite his claims of innocence.
Bees have an innate ability to dodge arrows.
The United States Postal Service is incapable of delivering a bee in good health, regardless of the size of the envelope.
If there was a belief that bees were immune to boiling water it has been proven untrue.
An agitated bee doesn’t care if you are an attractive Italian woman.
Bees do not pause for picture-taking, therefore they might believe a photograph will steal their soul.
If you bring a hive to a Spelling Bee, the bees will not appreciate it and will sting the screaming, smart children.
Bees are unlike starfish, because things don’t grow back.
A bee will not travel in a straight line, even with proper signage.
Bees can not be incited to revolt, which explains why they still have a monarchy.
Bees have no aspirations beyond protecting and servicing the Queen. No matter how much you talk up the merits of joining the elite group of bees known as Bee Force, recruitment rates will be abysmal.


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