The village bar, so called because it’s the bar and in a village, is a smallish one-room affair. There are a handful of tables and folding chairs likely purchased from the equivalent of a Bed Bath & Beyond were such a thing to exist here.
There is one beer on draft. Several beers are available in bottles. The bottles are stored next to the bartender, stacked three cases high. This explains why your beer is warm.
A pint of beer will set you back 65 cents. A bottle runs about 78 cents. Assuming you have a few dollars, you will be able to experience the whole range of warm beers and the cold draft one. If you’re in the mood to dine, potato chips are available. There is an electronic darts game for your pleasure, wedged between the wall and the bar. Make sure no one is sitting at the bar or they will be sitting in between the electronic dart game and your darts.
The front door of the bar was recently bricked over because village people felt it was wrong for a bar’s door to face a church and school. The entrance is now in the back, with the door opening on to anyone who may be playing darts.
The bathroom is remarkably clean, considering it is a bathroom in a village bar and that it is unisex. The bar is not handicap accessible, nor are there any plans to make it such. Smoking is totally allowed, and in fact may be mandatory.
The village is home to several folks, many of whom know each other. They may or may not be congenial depending on several factors, including but not limited to whether you slept with someone’s significant other, or told someone’s significant other that their significant other has been sleeping around. Some of the folks you may encounter include:
-A gentleman your brother-in-law knows who is celebrating his birthday and is so drunk he can barely stand up.
-A gentleman with an eye patch energetically declining the last cigarette. This is apparently due to the widely held belief here that “even a whore” wouldn’t take someone’s last cigarette.
-A gentleman passed out face down on a table. I was told this is called “stamping documents” because the posture resembles a bureaucrat hunched over a desk.
-A gentleman who gained an extra girl because his friend is “stamping documents.”
-Various people staring at you because you’re not from the village.
-A gentleman named the equivalent of Martin, described as the “gasoline guy.” He lives near the village pharmacist and would like to discuss rising oil prices.
-A couple married for eight years with an eight year old daughter.
-A lady who works at the town hall. She is considered a power player because she can get you in to the big New Year’s Eve party.
The village bar is open from whenever until sometime. Air conditioning is manual. The village bar does not accept credit cards, but you can run a tab and pay later. They trust you. Dress code is farm casual. Reservations are not necessary. The village bar is located on the village’s main street, right around the church, school and everything else for that matter.
Bravo! This is the funniest and probably most astutely accurate description of the Eastern European village tavern. It is not a pub; it is not a bar, but a relic of old times – a bitter ode to post-communism and alcoholism. After reading this piece, my Dell smells sauerkraut, pilsner, and lard. My cholesterol level peeks at 4,000. And my life expectancy is negative. Oh, how I miss these taverns. Listening to the stories, getting drunk, and having no clue that $5 gives a five-day hangover. These were the moments when I grew as a person.
This blog is a joy to read. I found you via Mukiwa and am so pleased that he found you..
So, while the New York-based editor is in Poland, an English woman in Switzerland found Banterist on a blog out of Zimbabwe? TOO MUCH CULTURE. Once I can manage more than a frustrating 28K connection I’ll have to check that out. Happy holidays in the meantime.
Now, that’s what we call International! or very frightening. Happy holidays to you too.
What are you laughing at ? You gave us (Poland and all Western Europe) to the russians at Jalta conference after II World War as a gift, and now You are wondering, why we are so poor? Read some history books ( there are still some libraries in USA? ) . Did I make some mistakes in the Language of Shakespeare? Oh, forgive me. It’s a good reason to laugh at us as any other. We have to know also german and russian languages , let’s say, fluently. You dont know any foreign languages at all – so laugh !
Smieje sie, “Peasant”! Przepraszam, ale mowie po polsku dobrze, moja zona jest polka, i bardzo lubie polske. Mozesz pisac dobrze po angielsku, ale twoj problem jest, ze nie rozumiesz wszystkiego, co czytasz. To jest humorystyczne.
No dobra, nie obrazilem sie :) A swoja droga to jak sam dobrze wiesz, Polacy lubia sie z siebie smiac, ale pod warunkiem ze robia to oni sami, a nie ktos inny. Hmmm. mnie to tez dopadlo :-))) Pozdrow Zone :-))) A tak przy okazji , jakby? trafil na strone, na ktorej ktos nabija sie z Twojego kraju to jakbys zareagowal? Jednego slowa pozytywnie o Polsce nie napisales.Albo ja slepy jestem / (eng. “ok, never mind. Just, as You know , people in Poland like to laugh at themselves, but they dont like, when someone else tries to do so. Greetings for your Wife , Brian !!! (…) ”
Huh, its not abot politics or history, its all about the sense of humour, buddy ..apparently you dont seem to have one, Peasanat..Um, to make it clear, Im polish, too.
Well, I am Polish too, and I do have a sense of humor. However, this site seems to contribute to the worst of stereotypes about Poland. And the entire field trip focuses on economically underprivileged and thus not very typical places. It is possible that the author, as declared here, likes Poland, but I could never tell it from the articles. Why? because amidst his “witty” remarks, I found hardly anything positive about Poland. This may be humorous, but is extremely one-sided, and does not take into account, that those who read it may, and in fact quite certainly, have never been to Poland and thus will know nothing about the country except for the fact, that we get drunk with cheap warm bear or Russian booze, have aggressive dogs named lame names, and have stores full of ridiculously named merchandise. Such a shame the fabulous George Foreman grill is not available here… My 2 cents
Everytime there is a post about Poland it seems that a bunch of Polish people get all pissy. They complain about how Brian is one sided and that’s he’s always knocking Poland becuase it’s not as well to do as America. While this may give people the wrong impression about Poland what you have to remember is that this site is dedicated to humor. Not your sense of humor, brians sense of humor. It’s that way becuase when people come here, they come here to read what he writes. They find his sense of humor amusing. They are not, on the other hand, coming here for tourism information. If people want to go to Poland and then they come here and read his posts and then decide that Poland isn’t for them, then they probably didn’t want to go to Poland in the first place. I, on the other hand, am now thinking about visiting there based on the things he said. While you see it as beeing poor I see it as being nice. Quaint might be the right word. Maybe this is the wrong view to have, maybe I have been misguided, Maybe when you accuse Brian of knocking your country it’s becuase you feel it really is that bad, and so are constantly seeing the negative side of what he says. At least now I have a reason to go there. If I do ever make it there, when I have to figure out where I’m going to visit and what I’m going to do I’m not going to come back to Banterist and reread all the posts about Poland. I’m going to go to web sites dedicated to Polish tourism and get information that is Biased in favor of Poland instead of, as you see it, against.
P.S. I attended a publis school in Wisconsin so if my grammar is not up to par I sincerely appologise.