Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Plight of The Average-Penised

Long before we all knew the perils of putting your email address out in the open, I gave my email address freely to anyone who wanted it. After years out there in the ether, it’s been acquired, traded, sold and borrowed. Now it appears on every possible junk email list known to man.
The end result is that I am absolutely assaulted with copious amounts of spam every day.
Yesterday set a record: 51 junk emails in a 24-hour period. Mind you, this is with Earthlink’s spam filtering turned ON. I can only imagine what would happen if I turned it off. In fact, I may out of curiosity.
Here’s a breakdown of yesterday’s spam deluge:
Breast enlargement for the boobs I don’t have: 1
Casino tips for the online casino I wouldn’t go near:1
Debt relief for the debt problems I’ve avoided: 3
Diploma for the teaching career I don’t want: 1
Exciting business concepts for Pyramid marketing losers: 2
Human Growth Hormone (HGH), the creepy drug: 2
Life insurance: 1
New car prices for the car I’ll never buy since I live in Manhattan: 2
Newsletters claiming I “Opted In” to receive shitty newsletters: 3
No idea what they were pitching because message was blank: 2
Penis enlargement for the penis I’m fine with, thank you very much: 8
Pornographic site with an exciting new vibrator: 1
Pornographic site with farm sluts: 3
Pornographic site with hot anal action: 1
Pornographic site with hot college orgies: 1
Pornographic site with hot twinks: 1
Pornographic site with hot young teens: 1
Prescription medications that do not require a prescription: 10
Radio control cars:1
Sales leads for the sales career I do not have: 1
Scam artist who wants to transfer $48 Million into my bank account: 1
Spam filtering software, with the irony not being lost on me: 1
Weight loss for the weight problem I do not have: 2
Yoga mat, for the trendy hobby I’ll never pick up: 1
A pox on these people. I heard mention in the news this morning of Anti-Spam legislation being tossed around Congress. It’s been tossed around before. Let’s hope it’s not tossed around too much longer. Being reminded on a daily basis that a “Penis Enlargement Patch” exists is unnerving and wrong.


Previously

Seated at the table next to us in this old-fashioned, charming steakhouse, a man and woman. Both early 40s, I'll presume. Both were a little heavyset, the woman more so. She was short, with dirty …

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