Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Menu

Office Refrigerator Policy

office-refrigerator-policy.jpg

PLEASE DATE AND INITIAL YOUR FOOD.
NOTE CALORIES AND FAT GRAMS IN THE CALORIC INTAKE LOG SO THAT THE COMPANY DIETARY CONSULTANT HAS AN IDEA OF WHAT YOU’RE EATING.
TO BETTER KEEP THE REFRIGERATOR ORGANIZED WE’VE DEVELOPED AN EASY-TO-MEMORIZE SYSTEM:
R – RELISHES ON THE TOP DOOR SHELF
E – EVERYTHING THAT’S SODA TO THE LEFT
F – FOOD
R – RADISHES AND OTHER VEGETABLES IN THE BIN
I – ITEMS THAT FIT IN THE DOOR, GO THERE
G – GET BUTTER IN THE BUTTERPLACE
E – EGGOS GO IN THE FREEZER
R – REALLY SMALL THINGS ON THE TINY SHELF
A – ALL COFFEE CRAP ON THE BOTTOM DOOR SHELF
T – TALL THINGS ON THE TOP
O – ONIONS ARE VEGETABLES (SEE SECOND R)
R – REPEAT
IF YOU SEE A FOOD THAT OFFENDS YOU OR IS OUT OF LINE WITH YOUR DIETARY OR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, PLEASE GIVE IT TO HUMAN RESOURCES FOR BINDING ARBITRATION.
PLEASE DO NOT USE THE BRITA WATER PITCHER IF YOU HAVE NOT ATTENDED ORIENTATION (SECOND THURSDAY OF EVERY MONTH). IF YOU NEED WATER BUT DO NOT HAVE THE CREDENTIALS TO USE THE PITCHER, ASK LUKE IN ACCOUNTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOCKEY AND YOU’LL FORGET YOU WERE THIRSTY.
REMEMBER: THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR SWINGS OUTWARD. PLEASE RESPECT THE DOOR’S SWING ZONE. IF YOU ARE UNSURE OF THE DOOR’S SWING ZONE, PLEASE ASK MANAGEMENT TO INDICATE IT ON THE FLOOR WITH A SHARPIE.
PLEASE TREAT THE REFRIGERATOR AS YOU WOULD YOUR 97-YEAR OLD GREAT AUNT ON A STAIRCASE.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL IT A FRIDGE BECAUSE MANY LARGE APPLIANCES FIND THAT ARCHAIC AND OFFENSIVE.
REMEMBER: THE REFRIGERATOR IS A PRIVILEGE AND NOT A RIGHT.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: HAVE FUN!
Available in convenient workplace poster PDF.


Previously

Finally, someone who'll take that autobiographical libertarian science fiction novella seriously. Downloadable PDF for the office breakroom or nearby telephone pole.

Next

Harper sent me the galleys for the book. For those not familiar with the nomenclature of the publishing industry, galleys are basically what the book is going to look like - subject to further proofreading …