Dear Western Tourist:
Thank you for considering Cannibal Island for your next vacation. For hundreds of years Cannibal Island was a place to be feared and avoided – mostly because of the cannibals – but now they are all dead and we welcome you!
Cannibal Island offers a pristine environment with breathtaking views and, of course, no cannibals. Everywhere you look is worthy of a picture. In fact, we encourage you to bring your most expensive camera without fear of bloodthirsty cannibals taking it, or worse.
From the natural beauty of the island’s 100 waterfalls to the unspoiled beaches of Headhunter Bay, you will be amazed to realize that such a place still exists in this age of steamships and giant sky birds that have people inside them.
On Cannibal Island you will experience a paradise that has not changed in hundreds of years; aside from the no more cannibalism, of course. You can stroll the pathways to the top of Foreign Scream Mountain – where many a condemned visitor took their last breath until cannibalism was frowned upon, as it is now.
Away from the pressures of your big cities and too-fast culture you will feel as though you are at a time and place before electricity, books or law. You can walk barefoot anywhere you please or throw cocoanuts at a friend because on Cannibal Island there are very few rules aside from Do Not Make Eye Contact With The Chaos Monkeys.
Not long ago the only way to visit Cannibal Island was to sail too close to the perilous, lovely, Demon’s Teeth coral reef. Today it is different – thank you to technology. Take the giant sky bird from your home country to Safe Island. On the southernmost beach of Safe Island you will find a rope that leads out to sea. Wear something that floats and shake it. We will pull you over.
Cannibal Island is the tropical paradise that you have been dreaming about. Please, come. We want to serve you.