From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.


Piña Colada Song 2011

I felt compelled to adapt Rupert Holmes’s “Piña Colada Song” for modern times. And I don’t see why he doesn’t, seeing as Elton John does that crap all the time.
I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a tired old playlist
Of my iPod’s best songs
So while she lay there sleeping
I was on Craigslist in bed
And in casual encounters
There was a posting I read
“If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you’d like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape.”
I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I posted on Craigslist
But didn’t spellcheck my ad
And though I’m nobody’s poet
I thought it wasn’t half bad
“yes i like Pena coladas
and getting caught in the rain
im not much into health food
i am into champain
ive got to see you by tomorow noon
and cut through all this red-tape
text me a pic of your body
and not just your face.”
So I waited with high hopes
Into my iPhone it came
I knew her smile in an instant
Though resolution was lame
It was my own lovely lady
I texted, “Oh it’s you.”
We LOL’d for a moment
She texted back, “I never knew.”
That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
That you like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You’re the lady I’ve looked for
Come with me and escape


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