Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Menu

Panel Report: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

From the onset, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial.
Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs to be modified by all branches of the armed forces, with the exception of the 223rd Tactical Heterosexual Artillery Brigade, for obvious reasons.
Reasons we should alter the current policy:

  • Of NATO’s 26 member nations, 22 currently permit openly gay individuals to serve. France has gone so far as to demand that all their soldiers be bi-curious in the event of a long siege.
  • In the European Union, only Greece forbids homosexuals from serving. This strikes the panel as weird because they have an island called “Lesbos” and all the famous ancient Greek military guys were super gay. Especially Transvesticles.
  • Russia and China outright forbid homosexuals from serving, so when we go to war with Russia and China we’ll be able to rally gay troops by pointing and saying, “Those guys hate your freedoms and your alternative lifestyle. Charge!”
  • In the seventeen years the policy has been in effect, over 13,000 members of the armed services have been discharged. These are soldiers who were trained at great expense to the taxpayer and who we will need to shoot at other people when the Mayans attack in 2012.
  • Numerous studies have offered conclusive proof that air-to-ground missiles are deadly regardless of the sexual orientation of the launch-button-pusher.
  • People should probably be used to the idea seeing as Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. aired over 40 years ago.

Benefits of altering the current policy:

  • The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy runs the risk of inciting gay soldiers to be like Oscar Wilde and say outrageously witty things to their superiors. This is not good for discipline.
  • Assuming they live up to the stereotype, gay soldiers will make the barracks more comfortable by color-coordinating things. We also believe they have access to discounts on scented candles that the heterosexual community does not.
  • While their straight counterparts are off-base getting drunk and impregnating Okinawans, gay soldiers will use their weekend passes to quietly go antiquing.
  • When observing enemy troops via Predator drone, it’d be cool to have someone in the room who can come up with hilariously caustic comments about their wardrobe, like those guys on the Bravo network.
  • The United States Government could sell Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to the Las Vegas tourism bureau, and recoup some of the cost of discharging 13,000 perfectly good soldiers.

Panel Recommendations:

  • We recommend not kicking gay people out of the armed forces unless they insist on running around in chaps when they’re supposed to be sniping the enemy.
  • We recommend coming up with a catchy name for this new policy of not caring about the sexual orientation of soldiers because all governmental policies need a catchy name. Some ideas:
    Operation About Face.
    Let’s Just Focus On Killing The Bad Guys, Then.
    OK, But Not In The Humvee.

Previously

Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America's complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization's desperation to stay relevant. However, …

Next

Defendant: Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York. Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun. Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun. Count 3: Usage of an …