Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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News For Pigeons

Laszlo McFootmissing of Midtown passed away Thursday after drinking a green liquid with cigarette butts in it at the corner of 56th and Park. Cause of death is unknown.
News For Pigeons regrets the passing of Norma “The Bread Lady” Dissender whose combination of loneliness and insanity made her a Central Park regular. Her generosity will be missed. A memorial service will be held Thursday at the fountain, near the half-blind Pakistani pretzel vendor.
Pench Oilyfeathers of Gramercy discovered an uneaten French fry on the road near Toys ‘R Us in Union Square. He was able to eat half of it before he knocked it into the gutter.
Hebb Eyegone reports that the pigeon-proofing under the awnings at Macy’s has been defeated. The awnings provide excellent protection from the elements and ample room for droppings.
A large gathering near Chelsea Piers was disrupted Monday when it was charged by a young human. Sources say the incident was unprovoked. According to area resident Fligo Suitshitter, Chelsea Piers has been the scene of several chargings and is no longer considered one of the top places to roost in the city.
Following a hit-and-run accident on Houston Street, all pigeons are asked to be on the lookout for an Asian delivery man riding a rickety bicycle.
Peck Slowreact was struck and killed by a Department of Sanitation truck early Wednesday morning while sitting on the road outside Sea Wing Seafood on Canal Street. A memorial service will be held in the same location. The body will remain on display until it washes away.
Correction: The pile of breadcrumbs reported yesterday near Arturo’s Pizza at York and 85th was actually a pile of sawdust. We apologize for any confusion.


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Dear Frank, This letter is to elaborate on our discussion of 14 May 2004 in which I informed you that the Medical Examiner's Office would no longer be needing your services. Based on your reaction - …

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