Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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New York Sidewalk Trivia

The average time it takes any stationary object to be sprayed with dog urine is nine minutes.
The skeletal remains of bicycle frames you see chained to various bike stands and signposts are all part of a massive art project by pointless modern artist Christo.
There are more bacteria on the sole of a single New York City shoe than there are in the entire nation of Gambia.
97% of sentences beginning with “Excuse me” are not apologetic in nature but rather a preface to being asked for money.
Diagonal walking accounts for 77% of all “sidewalk-rage” incidents.
All the brand new boxes for the free weekly The Onion were completely covered by graffiti, stickers, and the ludicrous”Housing As A Constitutional Amendment” flyer within twelve minutes of being placed on the street corner.
“I Survived The Blackout” t-shirts would have been available two hours after power went out, but the artist’s computer didn’t work.
As you walk by Apex Technical School students on 19th and 6th, remember that the number of graduates who went on to lucrative local, regional or national careers in government is still zero.
That guy who told you his alternator was broken and that he needed $32 to get it fixed so he could get back to New Jersey does not actually have a car.
Yes, that was Ethan Hawke.
That gentleman who just tossed the McDonald’s cup, straw, bag, burger box, French fry container and apple pie box on the road emigrated here from Shanghai to live a better life.
The toothless drunk passed out on 7th and 22nd at 10:00am considers himself a victim of tax cuts for the rich, Enron and Dick Grasso’s salary.
A busy hot dog vendor can make over $80,000 a year. A busy Gastroenterologist treating food poisoning cases from that same vendor can make $300,000 a year.
A single stretch of Manhattan sidewalk has more poop-per-inch than an Idaho cornfield on Planting Day.
A zealous, motivated leaflet distributor can annoy over 72 pedestrians per minute.
The shills for “Flesh Dancers” have indirectly contributed to over 329 divorces in the last 5 years.
0% of actors using the $99 headshot service advertised on every light post and mailbox have appeared in theatre, TV or film.
The guy selling the albums on the blanket hails from Somalia, where the warlords have yet to establish copyright infringement laws.
A drunk passed out on a park bench with his penis hanging out can traumatize an average of three children and seven adults an hour.
The individual selling the $30 “backup” copy of the $999 Final Cut Pro program assumes you already have a full-price copy and just need the backup to be safe. He will be crushed if you have lied to him.
That gentleman with the sidewalk yard sale was indeed selling the boot you threw out last week.
People who think they’re experiencing sidewalk déja vu are actually just unaware that the “United Homeless Organization” guy at 17th & Park is reading from the same script as the “United Homeless Organization” guy on 17th & Broadway.
After limited exposure to the elements, a bloodstain will resemble a poopstain. Both should still be avoided.
There is an 84% chance that an arrogant Sex & The City Production Assistant will let you pass if you counter their attitude with the realities of their salary.
All the merchandise on Canal Street would be worth an amazing $93 Billion if it were actually legal and licensed. That would be enough to pay for the rebuilding of Iraq, and purchase more unlicensed merchandise from China.
89% of Segway riders have touched another person while being catapulted from their defective Segway. For 92%, this was their first significant human contact.


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