Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Moving Osama

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Helpful Moving Tips For Fugitive Islamist Lunatics
One Month Before:
-Start shopping around for moving companies as soon as possible. Do your homework. Moving companies are notorious for inflating prices, especially if their trucks have been subject to aerial bombardment from unmanned Predator drones.
-Fill out a change-of-address order with the local post office.
-Make sure to notify friends, fellow jihadists, freaks, nutjobs, lunatics, psychopaths and human blowup-bots of your new address.
-Set up a checking account in your new village to smooth the transition and allow you to set up accounts for utilities.
-Transfer any gym, video rental or mosque memberships.
-Take an inventory of all your possessions in the event you need to file an insurance claim.
-Videotape yourself whining on and on in front of a non-descript backdrop about how the evil Americans and Zionists are making you relocate.
-Get a copy to your friend you-know-who at Al Jazeera.
-Update your magazine subscriptions.
-Make arrangements for transporting pets, breakables, and Stinger anti-aircraft missiles.
-Use up any food items that might spoil during the trip.
One Week Before:
-Activate the utilities in your new cave.
-Arrange for friends and followers to help you move.
-Wrap carpets and turbans to prevent soiling during transport.
-Close your bank accounts and camel the remaining funds to your new bank.
-Give a someone your route, schedule, and a clump of hair so you can be contacted or DNA-matched if needed.
-Pack! For a two-room cave with the bare necessities assume you’ll need 7 medium boxes, 3 large, 3 extra-large, 1 bulky box, 2 wardrobe boxes, and 175 feet of bubble wrap.
-Label your boxes or be sorry later! (i.e.: “Living Room”, “Panic Room”, etc.)
-Make sure your new cave has insurance, and notify your current insurer that you’re vacating your current premises.
-Go off on a rant one more time.
The Big Day:
-Get up early!
-Go through every room systematically, making sure to do a final “idiot check” once the movers have everything on board.
-Die, as Allah deems it time for a goodly assemblage of rockets to distribute a large part of your SUV’s axle up your super-tight, sociopathic, puritanical sphincter.


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