Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Kanye vs. Kenya

kanye-vs-kenya.jpg
Can a self-described musical genius possibly compare to a small East African republic? Sure! In a world where the Pope can have an opinion on airport body scanners, absolutely anything is possible. We put the post-colonial nation and the tiny-penised Grammy hoarder side-by-side and here’s what we found:
SIZE
Kenya is slightly more than twice the size of Nevada. But Kanye’s ego is larger than life itself. No contest. Point: KANYE
FINANCES
Though Kanye considers himself priceless his net worth is actually in the neighborhood of $25-30 million; certainly not too shabby for a semi-literate, boorish, megalomaniac. But, with its 2008 GDP of $62.4 billion Kenya could buy Kanye many, many times over. It could even afford the hefty $50 million price tag Russia’s space agency would charge to launch Kanye into a geosynchronous orbit. Point: KENYA
CLIMATE
Kenya’s diverse climate ranges from tropical on the coastline all the way to arid on the interior. That’s actually not too much different from Kanye who ranges from heated/angry on the outside all the way to empty on the inside. Point: DRAW
INFANT MORTALITY RATE
Kenya’s infant mortality rate is 54.7 per 1,000 live births, putting it right ahead of Cambodia and right behind Azerbaijan. Kanye finds himself above top-rated Singapore (2.31/1,000) because, as far as we know, the Grammy-winner has neither produced any babies nor killed any during childbirth; a fortunate fact not only for Kanye but for the whole world. Point: KANYE
OTHER NAMES
Kenya was originally called the British East African Protectorate, but since 1920 has been known by his current name. Though originally called Kanye in 1977, the Atlantan has also acquired a variety of colorful names ranging from asshat to festering twatwaffle. Point: KANYE
RELIGION
Kenya is home to a variety of religions including a majority of Protestant and Roman Catholic faithful, as well as Muslims and many indigenous tribal religions. Unfortunately, Kanye’s unwavering faith in himself as the center of the universe is incredibly powerful but not technically a religion. Point: KENYA
LANGUAGES
Kenya’s official languages are English and Kiswahili. Numerous indigenous languages are spoken throughout the country. Kanye’s official language is English (not fluent) and ALL CAPS which he uses in email correspondence. Point: KENYA
HAZARDS
The nation of Kenya is subject to recurring drought and flooding during rainy seasons, both natural disasters that can not be avoided. Kanye is subject mainly to man-made disasters, including but not limited to: disrupting benefit concerts with tirades, disrupting awards shows with tirades, playing the race card, pouting and stomping, and general behavioral malfeasance. Point: KENYA
THE WINNER
We hope Mr. West will take consolation in the fact that he’s totally special and really, amazingly talented and probably should have won if the world wasn’t out to get him but the wee East African republic managed to – just barely, Kanye! Don’t be upset! – squeeze past history’s greatest musician ever. Match: KENYA


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