Banterist

From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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How Animals Have Sex

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When hermaphrodite banana slugs get it on, one of them gets their ten-inch penis eaten – something I’d not known.
This is but one of many tantalizing facts contained in How Animals Have Sex, a book I’d have called Muskrat Love or Flatworms Gone Wild. But I don’t name the books, I just mention them when they are sent to me.
The book is a valuable resource for anyone who craves knowledge or simply wants to see photos of slutty giraffes. The way animals (and several insects) knock hooves is fascinating, and often involves peeing and other odd things you only see in German porn. The photo of a bean weevil penis belongs in a Cronenberg film and will not leave my memory any time soon.
One of the more intriguing descriptions is that of the bowerbird, an anal-retentive creature prone to fits that spends a great deal of time decorating in the hopes of getting laid. In other words, it’s a flying metrosexual.
Other things you’ll glean from this book: The male bee has a 1 in 20,000 chance of having sex – odds that at the very least would have comforted me in high school. I’m better off than a bee! I could have told myself as I ate lunch alone in the theatre balcony.
Like Angelina Jolie, zebra finch females are attracted to men who appear to be spoken for. Symbolism-seeking conservatives will be delighted to know the albatross is another winged contender for Family Values mascot: it mates for life and the sex is wholly uneventful.
The book comes with a priceless chimp centerfold which endeared me to author David Strorm – who seems to be English as he uses words like “flat” instead of “apartment.” To maximize your reading experience, Strorm strategically bolds certain phrases of import such as huge spurts of porcupine wee, amazing panda sex and my fave, traumatic insemination.
How Animals Have Sex is an enjoyable, short and funny book which belongs in the bathroom or on a night stand. It would also make an unpretentious addition to any coffee table. You’re probably not going to read it on the subway though. It doesn’t seem like subway reading, just like The Gift Of Pain was an odd choice for brunch reading yesterday, lady.
This book is a great argument against the Intelligent Design theory, especially once you see the bean weevil penis.
Perhaps you should consider adding How Animals Have Sex to your library.
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