Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Hey New York, Recycling’s Back!

GLASS:
Shower door etching of an African emigrant sucking Courtney Love’s breast outside a Wendy’s – no
Stephen Glass – (see ‘Paper Recycling’)
Wine bottles, Cabernet – no (let sit)
Wine bottles, except Cabernet – yes
Bottles of expensive foreign beers – yes
Bottles with “born on” dates – no
Odd-shaped wine bottles designed to draw attention away from lousy wine inside – yes
Deli window with “neck face” spray-painted on it – yes
Glass ashtrays from restaurant that took a 30% hit in profits because of the smoking ban – no
Double pane windows that keep the sounds of screaming homeless from disturbing your slumber – yes
Glass matte of the Ewok Village stolen from a warehouse at Lucasfilm – no
Rose-colored glasses – yes
The glass of water you asked the waiter for twenty minutes ago, damn it – yes

PLASTIC:
Plastic bag used by Gotti mistress to kill herself without any assistance from nobody and don’t you says a word, you understand? – yes
Cher – yes
Soy Milk containers – yes
Plastic food containers for pun-named vegan products like “Soy Vey!” and “Not Dogs” – no
Cassette recording of the “Talking Taxi” campaign which featured a variety of non-celebrities admonishing you for not putting on your seatbelt – yes
American Express Centurion Card – yes
Containers of Tropicana Pure Premium with Pulp – yes (remove pulp)
P. Diddy CDs – no (can’t recycle twice)
Empty Botox syringes – yes
Hilarious post-surgery cone that goes around your dog’s head – yes
Vinyl banner printed with “I’m Aiken 4 Clay” from last year’s American Idol – no
CD compilation of Rocco Siffredi sodomizing Czech harlots – yes
Michael Jackson – no
Laminated “Sore-Loserman” banner from Election 2000 – no
Defective Xbox – (no, save for class action)
Megaphone used by man who lured you into a shady “sample sale” on the sixth floor of decrepit building – yes
Sub-flooring that should have been put under your buckling hardwood floor – yes

PAPER:
Gest/Minelli Wedding invitations – yes
Gest/Minelli Divorce documents – yes
Rite Aid Pharmacy flyer handed to you on the corner of 14th and 7th by Carmen Vazquez of Honduras – yes
The creepy “Alamo Christian Ministries” newsletter left on your windshield – yes
Jayson Blair’s memoirs – no (wait for apology)
Stephen Glass’s memoirs – yes
“Flashdancers” strip-club promo card handed to you by man who fled war-torn homeland – no
Copies of “Taboo” stage play – yes
Box of “World Says No To War” flyers in Spanish – no
Empty cereal boxes – yes
Empty cereal boxed that mention “fiber” or “colon” a little too much – no
Al Sharpton’s copy of “Leadership” by Rudolph Giuliani – yes
United Federation of Teachers “Aniual Report on Are Progresses In Education” – yes
The New York Times – yes (remove any recycled articles)
The 997 remaining headshots from your failed acting career – yes
Printed Pamphlet touting the return of recycling – no (savor the irony!)
Dr. Zizmor’s Subway Ads – yes
E-ticket from Air France, where Business Class is just Economy with less attitude – no

METAL:
Gest/Minelli wedding rings – yes
The star-thing on Janet Jackson’s nipple during the debacle that she’d rather put behind her – yes
A child’s braces – no
A child with braces – no
Metal Gear Solid for Xbox – no
Samurai sword you inexplicably purchased when drunk in Chinatown, you loser – yes
Can of baked beans you bought in Chinatown because its logo is a backwards swastika, which you thought odd – yes
Parking meters – yes (remove coins)
“Under Construction” sign stolen from a building site which advertises a shady, low-quality construction firm with ties to organized crime – yes
Staples – yes
NASDAQ: SPLS – no
Fire escapes – yes
Abandoned bicycle frames – yes
The steel girders from the new West Side stadium that’s so frickin’ awesome that no one noticed $300,000,000 of their tax dollars are going to build it – no

Please remember to leave your recyclables in the proper color-coded bag.
Place the bags on the sidewalk on your pick-up day so that they can be ripped open and the contents strewn outside your apartment.


Previously

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