Defendant: The United States Postal Service
Count 1: Negligent spelling.
Count 2: Reproduction and distribution of grammatical malfeasance on federal property.
Report: Officer was attempting to mail a small package – a process made complicated, frustrating and time-consuming by the United States Postal Service. While standing in a line rivaling the size of Disney World’s Magic Mountain attraction on a Spring Break holiday, officer noticed criminal signage (Exhibit A) and apprehended it digitally. Despite the length of time spent in line, officer was seemingly unable to take a decent photograph, which he blames on the iPhone’s shoddy camera.
Fine: $110 worth of Simpsons stamps. Or a functioning automated teller machine in the lobby that can take the place of ten postal clerks by working efficiently, not stopping for lunch breaks, and communicating in English.