Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Effects Of Toilet Water On The LG VX-7000 Cellular Phone

Hypothesis:
An LG VX-7000 cellular phone dropped into a toilet by an overly-mobile 9-month old will probably not function well.
Explanation:
The prevailing theory among scientists in this field of study is that non-water resistant electronic devices are harmed by immersion in water – whether it be from a toilet bowl or the Hudson.
However, rather than pass a sweeping generalization over all non-water resistant devices, it has been decided that all such devices should be tested individually for the sake of full scientific understanding.
In this case, the LG VX-7000 cellular phone.
This is one in a string of tests of electronic devices conducted by 9-Month Old Scientist, coming right on the heels of the groundbreaking Effects Of A Hardwood Floor On The Logitech Harmony Remote Control, the notable Aerodynamic Properties Of Battery-Operated Devices and the memorable Potential Hazards Of Diaper Cream On Sony Portable CD Players.
Details:
The test was initiated by 9-Month Old Scientist while the Elder Scientist was fetching a bath towel. The decision to proceed came after 9-Month Old Scientist developed the ability to crawl into the bathroom while holding an LG VX-7000 cellular phone, stand with the assistance of a toilet, and deposit said phone into the toilet bowl.
A Ka-Plonk noise served as the indication that testing had commenced.
Upon hearing the testing commence, Elder Scientist attempted to conclude the test and determine the results as quickly as possible.
9-Month Old Scientist then began to study the physical properties of toilet water with his hands, an unrelated test.
Observations:
The LG VX-7000 cellular phone, when deposited in water, becomes wet.
Removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone from the bottom of a toilet bowl is a potentially unpleasant experience, as the size of the phone makes it liable to lodge tightly in the bottom of the bowl. This requires extended hands-in-toilet time which many consider objectionable.
Upon removal of the LG VX-7000 cellular phone, the phone’s lights flashed and the phone vibrated as if a call were incoming. There was no incoming call, and the phone did not cease vibrating as would be considered normal.
The phone powered down without use of the on/off button, again unusual.
When powered up again, the phone began to vibrate. Again, no incoming call, and the vibration would not stop.
It should be noted that the phone was not set to vibrate anyway.
Buttons on the phone did not seem to be responsive, and the on/off button did not produce the desired result. This required a new method of turning the phone on and off, which involved removing the battery entirely.
A decision was made by Elder Scientist to let the phone sit overnight in a temperature-controlled environment, such as the top of the air conditioner. This was done in the interest of removing additional water from the interior of the device. 9-Month Old Scientist was then bathed.
The following day, when 9-Month Old Scientist started work at 5:25am, Elder Scientist re-assembled the LG VX-7000 cellular phone and resumed the test.
It is believed that water has had a detrimental effect to the LCD screen, as it suffers from what can be called “LCD blotching.”
The screen which protects the LCD is now somewhat fogged, like the windows of a 1987 Chevrolet Cavalier.
The phone’s tendency to randomly power-down is troubling.
The camera seems to function normally until you attempt to take a picture. This results in a powering-down of the phone which is not normal, and does not produce a picture.
The voicemail function works and will allow you to leave a message telling people not to call your toilet phone for the time being.
The speaker works when the phone is on – which is sometimes, as it powers down at random.
The Number 7 key is now Speed Dial.
The Number 8 key produces no number 8.
Conclusion:
The LG VX-7000 has a low tolerance for toilet water, and is not a suitable toy for 9-Month Old Scientists.

lg-vx-7000.jpg


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