Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Dr. Phil’s Meds Expire

A lot of people ask me what the secret is to a successful marriage and I am happy to tell them: it is berries.
It doesn’t matter what kind of berries. That’s not the significant part. Their colors, shape or size is totally inconsequential. What matters is that they grow on bushes or small plants and can be easily smushed into jams.
I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking that’s crazy, you can’t be serious! because that’s exactly what each and every therapist has said. You’re berry-obsessed, said Doctor Fielder. I think there’s too much emphasis on berries in your life, stated Dr. Ziegenfeld. And Dr. Malmstrom said I was berry crazy. But you know what I said to them? I said Berries! That’s because I don’t swear anymore and replace all naughty words and racial epithets with berries. Anyway, there’s a reason those people are no longer my therapists. For that kind of money I want someone who understands berries and how they are the secret to every successful marriage. They can go berry themselves.
So back to the original question. Why do so many relationships fail? Easy:
Berries (not the swear, the plural noun).
When I met my wife at Knott’s I knew she was the right one for me. I could tell that she knew the difference between straw- blue- boysen- and cran-. For example, she’s a waffle. Every day she starts her morning covered in syrup. Perhaps whipped cream. And always, always berries. I’m sorry. She’s human. She’s not a waffle. She’s human. She’s my wife. And she’s good with berries. By berries I mean children. And mutual understanding. Oprah. I’m so sorry. I’m all over the berrying place here. She’s not a waffle. Okay, this is bullberry. I sound like a berrying nutcase. The secret to a successful marriage is not berries. I’m not sure why I thought that. It’s communication. When you’re in a good berry – marriage – you communicate. You don’t keep secrets from your partner. You share everything. If you can’t do that, if you’ve established a secret Post Office box as a drop box for the berry people, then you’ve done your waffle a disservice. When I met my waffle. WIFE. So sorry. I’m coming across like a berryhole.
We’re going to take a short break.


Previously

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