Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Dear Gary

garybaby.jpg

Got your Christmas Card. Ethan looks adorable. I was going to make some joke about him looking more like the postman, but that’s as tired as Joan Rivers. Plus, he really does look like my postman so I don’t want to cause any trouble.
Hope all is well with you and the family. I’m sure the new baby is a handful. We have had no luck at having a kid so far, actually, so you can imagine that the photo of your adorable little tyke is like a cheerful dagger to our souls. A tiny, holiday-themed, smiling dagger in a green hat. Ewa thinks you’re mocking her uterus or maybe a tube or two. I told her that’s silly talk, that you have never met her, much less taken a disliking to her uterus. I told her that sending baby photos is common practice in this country around Christmas, or anytime for that matter, and you were simply proud of the new baby. But she doesn’t understand. She just shakes her fists at the heavens (ceiling) and screams Why not us, God, why?
But not to worry. Doctor says everything’s in order and we just need to keep trying. In the meantime I put a few oranges in a pillow case and named it Bradley, but it seems to offer her no comfort. Anyway, Bradley is doing fine.
I take it you’re doing well in other endeavors besides the baby, which you have and we don’t. You’ll be happy to know TiVo has taken a liking to you and has been recording things that have you in it. I finally got around to watching Undercover Brother and was impressed with the size of your role. The movie was pretty funny too.
One of Ewa’s favorite shows is Malcom in the Middle and I get a kick out of seeing you pop up on that now and then. I point at the TV and say, ‘That’s Gary!’ and she says ‘So what?’ and I say ‘You know, Gary — with the baby!’ and then she makes the connection and shakes her fists at the heavens (ceiling) and starts screaming again. Fortunately, TiVo lets you pause live television so I can freeze the action until she calms down. That way we don’t miss anything. TiVo’s great.
I just watched a recently TiVoed (new verb) episode a few weeks ago. It was very funny. I sank into a mild despair and started to think that maybe I made a huge mistake in not moving to Los Angeles myself. I worried that had I followed your lead, I too might have had a sizable film role by now. Then I remembered that I didn’t move there because I never took to Los Angeles and in fact spend a lot of my spare time praying for the Big One.
If that happens please know our thoughts and prayers will be with you. We’ll be hoping that you, Leslie and the baby you have and we don’t find an ice floe and make it to safety. If you could pick up my cousin along the way that would be nice but I understand if steering the floe is too difficult. Look for a white guy with dreadlocks floating near Melrose.
So, hello to the family and happy holidays! Hopefully next year we’ll have a baby we can send you a picture of. Otherwise, God help me when we get your card.
Brian


Previously

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